Not So Good Advice

Be warned, the following may not be good advice.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's ass, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large red furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.

Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweet corn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your wife from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for."

the last few things you posted just look like those shitty emails i used to get on aol when i had no idea there was any other way to get online back in the 7th grade. no offenceface....but CMAAAAAAAANNNNNNN. give me the fucking shovel...ill dig the fucking whole. holy god kid.

Originally posted by Kr430n5_666

the last few things you posted just look like those shitty emails i used to get on aol when i had no idea there was any other way to get online back in the 7th grade. no offenceface....but CMAAAAAAAANNNNNNN. give me the fucking shovel...ill dig the fucking whole. holy god kid.

Makros I'm not a kid and no one else is bitching. As a matter of fact mine have been on the front page most of the day. I don't bitch about your posts don't whine about mine.

The first thing was a sense of dropping away, but to say downward would be too simple. There were all sorts of frequency modulations and crescendoed stacatto pops as the trip descended. This sound data was quiveringly involved with these visual architectonic dream waters that were beginning to emerge, dripping and slipping amongst themselves, and my being became overwhelmed by vacuous, gravity-like suction experiences which impelled me further in. Around me I felt a crowding in of beings as if the Celtic Faerie land of Fay had become momentarily co-present with where I was. I sensed them, but did not experience these creatures. The sucking experience took over for a while then, driving the morphological acrobatics of spacelove that lay before me. There was something about it that makes me think of a voluptuous alien seductress with big, fat lips pulling me to her body in the weirdest feeling embrace ever. It felt like I was being smeared sensually and lustfully around the space in some sort of vacuum-tube funhouse. At this point (maybe a minute into the experience) I started picking up something like the Escher painting of all those sets of stairs with figures descending by all manners of gravity, only its surfaces were emerald isles of what I can only describe as fractal Medusa liquid, serpentine and sexy. There was a thought that I was in a room full of aliens and they were playing with me, but that somehow they had conspired to make me this way - the alien carney music bar on the planet Tatooine in the Star Wars trilogy seems relevant.

i thought some of them were pretty good, like the smoking one. haha.

i thought it was pretty funny

....inhaaaaaaale....exhaaaaaaaaaaale...siiiiiiiiigh.

SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!