Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's

http://theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4119&n=1

thought this was thread worthy, shit is bananas!

Wow, i wish i had one of those near here.

Fish McGriddles? :yuck: No thanks.

But i like the sound of them McRibNuggets.

*edit, now that i think of it those rib mucnuggets is all id want em for. Hahahaha triangular shaped balls, i kind wish this place was real just so i could buy a 10 gallon bucket of McRib sauce

If this is for real, I don't trust it! :yuck:

hahaha i would eat there

Originally posted by SF1@May 17 2005, 01:50 AM

If this is for real, I don't trust it! :yuck:

Quoted post

This places your defense of "Behold a Pale Horse" in a whole new light.

You did notice it was from the onion right?

It's not real SF1.

what's the deal with behold a pale horse?

it's been recommended to me a couple times, but other than that i haven't heard anything.

the deal is it's a fantastic tale of an ex-naval intel officer named william

cooper who claims to have been privy to all sorts of black ops by the

US govt. aliens and the whole nine. this is the guy who 'found' an ultra

top secret document called 'silent weapons for quiet wars'(you can find this

through google) in, get this, a used printer at some little used goods store.

sf1 believes the book is non-fiction.

sounds like i have more important books to read before that one

motherfuckers would eat that shit anyway if it was for real :gaga:

whats even funnier is that gurnee illinois is known for miles of strip malls selling only defective stuff. like the polo horse riding upside down

LOL...

:D

Some customers said the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's is not for them.

"I'll never take my children there again," said Anita Sibakis, mother of three. "They opened up the Happy Meal and there were headless Mulan figurines in there. It scared the bejesus out my youngest."

NOTES ON WILLIAM COOPER AND OTHER RECENT CONSPIRICISTS

By Budd Hopkins

On November 10, 2001, I was in Mobile, Alabama, speaking at a "Journeys Beyond" conference. Five days earlier, sheriff's deputies, attempting to serve a warrant, were shot at by conspiricist William Cooper who gravely wounded one of them, deputy Robert Martinez. The other deputies returned fire and Cooper was killed.

For those unfamiliar with his activities, William Cooper was once a divisive, almost unavoidable presence at UFO conferences and on the radio and the Internet. His wild and woolly stories were completely unbelievable, though a loyal band of followers clung to his every word. At the time, the belief that JFK was murdered by a CIA cabal was not at all unusual, but Cooper gave the killing his own weird twist. Kennedy was shot, he claimed, by the driver of his car in the middle of the Dallas parade. This Secret Service hit man, he said, turned away from the steering wheel and fired point blank at the president, narrowly missing Mrs. Kennedy, John Connally and Mrs. Connally.

I once asked a Cooperite why the CIA would carry out the murder in the middle of a parade when all eyes were on the president's car, pictures were being taken, films were being shot, and three eyewitnesses (the Connallys and Jackie Kennedy) were only a foot or so away from the gunman. The Cooperite answered that since this method was so daring, no one would ever believe that it was done that way, and so the CIA could easily get away with it. And Cooper's idea of the motive for Kennedy's assassination? To keep him from revealing what he knew about the UFO coverup!

I wondered at the time of Cooper's demise how long it would take before a myth of martyrdom would arise among his fellow conspiricists. I knew that this alcoholic, emotionally disturbed man would eventually be enthroned in the far-right's Valhalla of "government victims" - innocent, peace-loving martyrs like Timothy McVeigh, James Earl Ray, David Koresh and a strange assortment of white supremacists, psychopathic homophobes and killers of abortion providers.

Well, I saw signs of Cooper's elevation five days after his death, when I was attending that conference in Mobile, Alabama. A confused young man approached me and referred to the government's "murder" of William Cooper. In the telling, the rural sheriff's deputies who tried to serve their warrant soon after metamorphosized into a sinister government SWAT team. The mythmaking machinery of paranoid rumor and Internet misinformation was on the way.

What sort of man was the late William Cooper? Shortly after his death, he was described by his friend Bill Hamilton as "an inveterate liar," and a man who "had a real love for booze and firearms." Hamilton recalled that Cooper once invited him to go to a gun show with him to "buy a type of gun that would blow a hole in an engine block. I asked why I would want to do a silly thing like that. His reply was that I should protect myself against the government." Even more significant was Hamilton's delicately worded statement that Cooper "had a difficult time telling truth from fantasy." A perfect description of the conspiricists' central affliction.

I first came into Cooper's crosshairs through the efforts of a New York City doctor, an emotionally disturbed man who wrote to Cooper to accuse me of being a CIA agent. Apparently this doctor said that he knew I was a secret CIA agent because I had told him so! (That's the way we undercover types always work: "Hello there, I'm a secret CIA agent. Don't tell anyone, particularly Bill Cooper.")

This ludicrous accusation appeared in Cooper's magnum opus, "Behold a Pale Horse," a book which also included the infamous anti-semitic, 19th century Czarist forgery, "Protocols of the Wise Men of Zion," Hitler's favorite late-night read. Cooper's personal style of hate-mongering manifested itself over and over again in many different areas. After UFO Magazine editor Don Ecker exposed his lies about his military records, Cooper responded by claiming that Don's wife and fellow editor, the delightful Vicki Cooper, was a former prostitute. It was, of course, a charge made up out of the whole cloth and as disgusting a false accusation as Cooper ever made.

The New York doctor in question, Cooper's source of the CIA charge against me, has harassed me for years, sending scores of letters and leaving bizarre messages on my answering machine. Once he accused me of hiring CIA agents to dress up as Con-Edison workers to dig up the street near his office so that the noise of the drilling would bother his patients. He accused me of "complicity" in the murders of both Martin Luther King and President Kennedy. In one message he listed the major traitors to America, intoning in a deep, portentous voice: "Alger Hiss...Benedict Arnold...Walter Andrus...Budd Hopkins..." Paranoia - as well as politics - makes strange bedfellows.

All the doctor's messages weren't so absurd and amusing, however. One, delivered in a cold, sepulchral voice, was simple and chilling: "I place a curse on your daughter's head." Grace was only about twelve years old at the time, and though I said nothing to her about the threat, not wanting to frighten her, for a while I tried to be near the front door to check the street whenever she went in and out of the house. And there was another message, one which finally sent me to the police: "My mind is completely gone," he said. "Now I know I can kill."

But back to Cooper for a moment. In 1992 I had major surgery. My right kidney was removed because of an encapsulated cancerous tumor, and as part of my recuperation I left the city for a short rest. When I returned, I found that Cooper himself had left a series of messages on my answering machine. He had apparently come to New York the week I was away to give a talk. His first message demanded that I attend his lecture and answer his "charges" against me, but he very generously offered to let me in free. The second bullying message was rather more vicious, saying that if I didn't come it would be an admission that I was a CIA spy, and, his language coarsening, he threatened me with even more attacks. (I assumed he had conferred with his source, my harassing doctor, about my having sent disguised CIA men to dig up the street.)

In the third message, Cooper, adopting an amazingly inept Russian accent, pretended to be a friend of Bill Cooper and warned that I had better, goddamit, show up at his lecture, OR ELSE!. For his last message, Cooper dropped the phony accent and the fake identity and berated me so obscenely that I cannot reprint it here on a family website.

I'm dwelling on all of this unpleasantness because there are still so many active conspiricists among those interested in UFO phenomena. As Cooper demonstrated, common sense is the first victim of this kind of paranoid thinking, an unfortunate situation since we need all the common sense we can muster. But I believe it is equally important to understand some of the mechanisms behind a great deal of current conspiracy thinking. One basic mechanism is the need to establish the hated group, the feared enemy, as the real cause of whatever bad thing happens in the world. Thus, to Cooper and the militia groups, Tim McVeigh didn't bomb the federal building in Oklahoma City, he was somehow a dupe, and the real bombers were the Drug Enforcement Agency and the FBI!

Come again? A number of government agents from different departments were killed in the blast, so why would the DEA do such a thing to its own people? Well, the conspiricists say, nervously shuffling their feet, the DEA maybe did it so the government would be able to disarm the citizens. Or something like that. Or whatever. Clearly, their hatred compels the belief that the DEA really did murder their own.

As we have seen over and over again, among conspiricists fanatical hatred and crippling paranoid fear will always edge out rational thinking and common sense.

Moving up towards the present, what are the myths-in-formation about the horrors of September 11? Already various conspiricist Muslim sources have said that suicidal Jews did the hijacking and brought down the towers in order to falsely blame the Palestinians and other Arab nations and groups. The latest mythlet is this - 4,000 Jewish workers stayed home from their jobs on Sept. 11 because they all knew about the plot. The FBI and the CIA hadn't heard anything about it, apparently, because thousands of Jews can communicate without any leaks and are really good at keeping secrets.

But as we all know, a large percentage of those who died that tragic day were Jewish office workers! This kind of conspiratorial myth-making is utter and despicable nonsense, yet it somehow gains some currency within society's paranoid fringe. Turning truth and logic upside down, it makes the victims the perpetrators.

Which brings me now to our field, UFOs and the abduction phenomenon, where we have lived with the knowledge that at least some branch of the government has for decades concealed from the public what it knows about UFOs. But now this generally accepted truth has been wedded to a ludicrous assertion by yet another medical conspiricist, Dr. Steven Greer. Greer ties the coverup issue to his absurd claim that all UFO abductions are really being carried out, not by the aliens, but by his own hated enemy, some dark, unknown "black" branch of our own government!

In the same way that some militant Muslims assert the Jews bombed the world Trade Center, Greer asserts that the government - made up, after all, of our fellow human beings - is abducting and carrying out traumatic, quasi-medical procedures on its own innocent citizens. The aliens, whom he believes are benign and helpful, are, like Bin Laden and Al Qaeda, being falsely accused by the evil American government.

Since I have investigated UFO abduction cases which date as far back as the 1920's, by Greer's logic Calvin Coolidge's administration and Roosevelt's and Hoover's and Harding's all contained a black "secret government" which possessed the technology, the motive - whatever that may be - and the infallible secrecy to carry out abductions on thousands upon thousands of American children and adults over most of the twentieth century. This idea is not only preposterous, it is insulting to the vast number of abductees who recall exactly who did abduct them and what was done to them.

Worse, these unfortunate abductees are being emotionally abused in several stages: by the aliens during the abduction, by government officials who deny the existence of UFOs, and finally by Steven Greer, who denies the existence of the alien abductors they remember vividly, thus implying these traumatized people are dupes or fools.

What we need within the world at large and in the UFO community in particular, is a mighty influx of common sense and the courage to call idiotic fanaticism by its right name. The militia types should admit that it was one of their own, Timothy McVeigh, who committed mass murder, not the DEA which they hate and whose employees were among McVeigh's victims. The militant Muslims must face the fact that other militant Muslims perpetrated the atrocities of Sept.11, not the Jews, who, along with thousands of others of various races, religions and nationalities, were their innocent victims.

And Steven Greer must admit that non-human alien beings are carrying out these traumatic abductions, not some hated - and probably imaginary - political cabal of our fellow Americans. The abductors who traumatize small children are not Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in rubber alien masks, no matter what else you think about them.

The William Cooper story is sad in a hundred ways. The paranoid path he chose, and the gun-toting belligerence with which he walked it, were probably symptoms of a severe mental illness which was never addressed. Cooper was a sick, deluded man who caused a great deal of harm to himself and to many innocent people, and for too long his crazed conspiracy theories damaged the credibility of serious UFO research. And yet - to end on a positive note - his unhappy, divisive life is something we can all learn from - especially, perhaps, budding conspiricists like Dr. Steven Greer.

Copyright © 1999-2005 Intruders Foundation. All rights reserved.

you know the onion is fake right?

^^^^yeah I hope everyone is aware of that...

i love the onion.

bump.

i just saw this thread for the first time.