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nickelodeon kids show stars, where are they now?

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by OptimusPrime, Oct 20, 2003.

  1. OptimusPrime

    OptimusPrime Member

    Joined: Mar 5, 2002 Messages: 546 Likes Received: 2
    Nickelodeon Kids Show Stars: Where Are They Now?

    I often forget this in my bitter old age of 21, but the television of my youth wasn't a raging, fiery drunkard spitting mouthfuls of staticky venom and retarded nonsense at me. In fact, it was once a gentle beast, one that you could cradle in your arms and spend hours playing with in joyful abandon. Television had a great smile back then, with radioactive eyes that would pierce into your corneas, jackhammering information straight into the fabric of your brain. When I was a wee midget-like lad, my favorite channel was Nickelodeon, a cable network aimed at children and stupid people. I haven't watched Nickelodeon in the last decade or so, and from what I understand it's now nothing but preteen lesbian detective shows and bootleg Mexican snuff tapes tied together with stylish Gen X video editing techniques, which are the visual equivalent of being beaten in the face with a strobe light by a homeless transvestite named Birdie. I got to thinking about the golden days, when kids shows were safe for children and not secretly geared towards dirty old men and riddled with senseless commercial indoctrination. Whatever happened to the stars of my favorite shows back then? Where is David the Gnome or Maya the Bee? The mystery of their fates, and the fates of other childhood legends, inspired me to do some research. For those of you who don't know, "research" is the SA codeword for "bullshitting." But don't let that stop you from taking everything I write as empirical truth.

    David the Gnome
    In a most unfortunate twist of events, David the Gnome turned out to be quite the pervert. After receiving an anonymous tip, authorities raided his home, a hallowed out tree, and found an extensive library of pornographic images on his computer, which appeared to feature young gnome children wearing little more than their pointy hats. Further exploration of the tree revealed video equipment, digital storage media, and hidden rooms and compartments. Upon interrogation, David admitted to being part of a massive gnome porn ring, which used domesticated foxes as couriers. Gnomes involved in the organization would ride on foxes, rendezvousing at strange times and places to exchange the latest pictures and videos. There is no telling how many gnome children were victims, but it's safe to say too many.
    David's wife Lisa denied any knowledge of her husband's wrongdoing and continues to defend his innocence. When asked to comment, a female neighbor gnome who wished to remain anonymous described David as "a peaceful man who was friendly to all nature." She added, "This sort of thing just doesn't happen. I can't believe it happened."

    The Cast of Pinwheel
    Pinwheel is one of the stranger things I remember. I spend a lot of time pretending I don't remember Pinwheel, but I do remember Pinwheel. I remember it all too well. As amazing as it sounds, I'm about the only one on the planet who remembers this show, but that's okay since it just helps fuel my elitism even further. Pinwheel had a very diverse cast, which included a black guy who traps sounds in boxes, hobo bug puppets, a mime, and another puppet that collected weeds and lived in a basement. There were also additional puppets and minorities in the cast, not to mention other oddities likely derived from excessive drug usage. I hate to say it, but it seems like hard times hits everybody sooner or later, and the Pinwheel gang is no exception to the rule.

    The RIAA had serious issues with Jake, the African-American man who trapped sounds in boxes. It seems he was pirating a great deal of copyrighted material from recording artists with those boxes of his, and so he ended up with substantial fines that will haunt him until the day he dies, at which point they will begin haunting his living relatives. The hobo bugs met an untimely end when they overdosed on insecticide. There is only so much poison the body can take, and they took a little more. Ebenezer T. Squint, the green-skinned scrooge, got busted for growing copious amounts of marijuana in his basement dwelling. While he claimed it was for medicinal purposes, the sheer volume of his stash led to a stay in jail. The mime lady just turned out to be a deaf mute that was frantically trying to get help in finding her missing child. The other stars remain in obscurity like so many unwrapped Christmas presents.

    Marc Summers of Double Dare
    Double Dare was an early form of gross-out reality TV based around kids challenging each other to do disgusting things, like roll around in green slime and collect fruit juice in head-mounted measuring cups. This disgusting fluid-focused insanity would go on to influence future shock comedians like Tom Green, the "stars" of Jackass, and even Japanese filmmaker Takashi Miike. Double Dare was hosted by Marc Summers, an alien from the planet Ralzak IV. When political strife erupted on Ralzak IV, Marc Summers and thousands of other Ralzakian agents were recalled home by the Ralzak IV Supreme Council to fight in the Great Ralzak IV Independence War of Time Cycle 47211. Marc Summers received the prestigious Supreme Council Award for Courageous Action for his, well, courageous action on behalf of the Ralzak IV Supreme Council. I'm just kidding, Marc Summers is all washed up.

    Maya the Bee
    Maya didn't live long, sadly. She died in a vicious boiling water attack that claimed her entire hive. The buzzing finally ceased as the last of her tiny frame gave way to the blistering heat of the water. Her death was agonizing and unholy. Quite befitting of a lowly pest.

    Mr. Wizard
    Mr. Wizard was arrested for practicing wizardry, a crime worthy of certain damnation in most parts. Before submitting to authorities, he summoned several golems, erected a terrifying wall of fire, and caused the sky to rain kidney stones. Once the chaos was brought under control, he was tried according to his crimes against God and then set ablaze. His body did not melt, though; instead it dissolved into soot and poisoned all the witnesses with cancer.

    The Cast of You Can't Do That on Television
    There were roughly 500 kids who appeared in this show, and for the sake of brevity I'll just say that they're all very much deceased. Even Alanis Morissette, who started here, is now incredibly dead. One interesting fact is that Barth sold his hamburger restaurant and made an unsuccessful bid for mayor of a small Minnesota town. He was unsuccessful because he was a Canadian citizen and had no business trying to run an American town.

    Well that was certainly depressing, but then so is everything I do. The truth about all those shows you grew up with is that they are best left in the past, because you were much more gullible then. I'd have to do a lot of crystal meth before I could ever find myself sitting through an entire episode of David the Gnome. I suppose I just stumbled upon the perfect excuse to take up drugs since that whole "my life is a terrible sham" explanation is so cliché these days.
  2. Swiffer Jet

    Swiffer Jet Elite Member

    Joined: Jul 14, 2003 Messages: 2,669 Likes Received: 0
    i remember that show Figure it Out with sommer sanders as the host. oh my shits, was she hot. she is too fit for my liking lately though.
  3. king kong

    king kong Banned

    Joined: Jul 24, 2003 Messages: 2,292 Likes Received: 0
  4. mr.yuck

    mr.yuck Veteran Member

    Joined: May 12, 2000 Messages: 6,952 Likes Received: 6
    Hahaha this is undoubtedly one of the greatest things that I have read in a long time. Thank you so much for that trip down memory lane.:lol:
  5. the_gooch

    the_gooch 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: May 15, 2002 Messages: 11,566 Likes Received: 431
    you can't do that on television was and still is one of my favorite shows. i remember when i was a kid having a crush christine


    far right red shirt

  6. suicidebombr

    suicidebombr Member

    Joined: Aug 23, 2003 Messages: 979 Likes Received: 0
    remember Eureka's Castle? i fucking loved that show.:love2:

    *edit - i still watch the christmas special every year. i have it on tape.:smiles:
  7. Kyuzo

    Kyuzo Banned

    Joined: Mar 13, 2003 Messages: 585 Likes Received: 0
    HOLY SHIT i remember that

    thanks for pinning a name to that show
  8. Vanity

    Vanity Veteran Member

    Joined: Apr 11, 2000 Messages: 7,673 Likes Received: 6
    i thought this was gonna be about blu cantrell
  9. suicidebombr

    suicidebombr Member

    Joined: Aug 23, 2003 Messages: 979 Likes Received: 0
    if you're talking to me, no problem.

    *edit - what about Blu Cantrell?:confused:
  10. nomadawhat

    nomadawhat Veteran Member

    Joined: Aug 24, 2001 Messages: 5,001 Likes Received: 2
    "i don't know..."

    oh wow... i used to love this show and it had completley slipped my mind... HA, garth..hahha...
    and damn i would of given anything as a kid to get on double dare or what was that otherone???...funhouse?
  11. i11igul

    i11igul Senior Member

    Joined: Jun 5, 2003 Messages: 1,810 Likes Received: 0
    marc summers does that show unwrapped on the food channel now
  12. KALIS

    KALIS Junior Member

    Joined: Nov 20, 2002 Messages: 161 Likes Received: 0
  13. MOOGLE?

    MOOGLE? 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: May 23, 2000 Messages: 11,495 Likes Received: 502

    christine in 1999..now called jay
  14. the_gooch

    the_gooch 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: May 15, 2002 Messages: 11,566 Likes Received: 431
  15. space base

    space base Senior Member

    Joined: May 4, 2003 Messages: 1,765 Likes Received: 0
    Dude Ranch
    Salute Your Shorts
    Clarrisa Explains Its All
    Alex Mack
    My Brother And Me
    that Scarie Stories one
    All That
    Keenan & Kel....

    I used to watch that shit.