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My job as a lifeguard, acid, menustration, dogs..

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by ElectricitySucks, Aug 18, 2005.

  1. ElectricitySucks

    ElectricitySucks Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 13, 2001 Messages: 6,395 Likes Received: 24
    For those of you who dont know me, (roughly 98% of you) i work as a lifeguard at a condominium pool. Its amazing. I am overpaid for the amount of work i do...which consists of sitting on a chair, sitting on floaty noodles in the water, sitting wihile reading magazines and books, watching tv, and occasionally, when noone is in the pool on a cloudy day, having sex in the clubhouse for 2 hours on big leather couches. of course, when people are in the pool, i have to watch them, but half the time noone comes...which is where my fun comes into play. but nothing ever "exciting" happens..like in most regular jobs.


    apparently today was a very different day. alot of people came to the pool because its about 90 degrees and families brought friends and their friends brought their friends and the such. so it was pretty busy.


    so im doing my regular job, sitting on the chair looking at people, while i constantly rermind myself how awesome my job is. This all started to change at around 3:00. i see this woman, blonde, 35, comes over to me. shes still in the pool and im sitting outside the pool in a chair. she looks at me and says "i dont think the kids are allowed to have swimmies in the pool." (swimmies= those air inflated things around kids arms who cant swim) so im like "ha.......uhhh." shes like "yeah, read the rules." so im confused as fuck and im reading the rules on a big sign, and NOWHERE does it say that. so i explain to her, that HELLO KIDS NEED THOSE THINGS OR ELSE THEY WILL DROWN AND DIE.


    It was at this time when i realized this woman was acting rather strange and maybe she was on some sort of medication (acid, whiskey.) a few minutes go by. she goes up the stairs to get out of the pool and she almost trips 3 times getting out. she then proceeds to her chair, barely making it without falling flat on her face. she gets to her chair, looks up, down, and lets herself drop from the standing position onto the chair, making a loud noise. at this time, i try to forget what i just saw. a few minutes later, i look back at her and her hands are in her bikini, near her roughly 35 year old vagina. she is not a good looking 35 year old either.


    something is wrong.


    i look the other way, but i find myself looking back constantly at what is happening. (there are about 40 other people seated around her, but thankfully are unaware of what shes doing.) she gets up, goes to unlock the gate, but cannot. (everyone needs a key to get in/out of the gate) she walks in a sqiggley line to someone, telling that person to open the gate. her appearence is hooker-like, her eyes are three quarters closed. i felt like i was in a scene of fear and loathing in las vegas, only i was sober, and this lady is talking to herself, walking around, and touching herself in the company of 50 people.


    an hour goes by. a golden retriever the size of a hummer jumps into the pool. dogs are not allowed anywhere near the pool. the owner instructs me to get the beast out by using the skimmer net which is 2 feet by 6 inches. the dog is 6'4.


    a few minutes go by and a group of 5 15-16 year old girls who had been drinking come into the pool. 2 of them vomit in the pool. vomit is not allowed in the pool. everyone in the pool quickly evacuates in disgust and anger.

    about half hour goes by when 2 landscapers start yelling at each other in the pool area. one of them has a weed wacker.

    i sense danger.

    they are yelling in spanish at speeds i cannot comprehend. i point to the gate to tell them to leave. they start yelling at me. i cant understand spanish at mach 5. the verbal fight ends and the physical fight starts between them. uh oh. they are fucking each other up and im pushing them out of the gate so i cant be held liable for broken body parts from one of these guys who need that money..

    at this point, i dont know what to do. i have a cracked out lady jerking off, a dragon in the pool, annoying 15 year olds, vomit in the pool, and a full out fight i cannot translate into english. although im pretty sure it was about one of the guys planting flowers in the wrong spot. so i called my boss.

    me: chris..hey its electricitysucks, theres something wrong at the pool, i need backup.
    tom: whats wrong electricitysucks?
    me: i just need backup. now.

    to make the long story shorter, everyone filtered out of the pool around 6 and the havoc stopped. but it looked like someone had left their belongings in a chair. i go over to the chair and i realized it was the lady that was on drugs stuff. there is dried up blood along with a tampon on the seat, along with her hat, towel, ect. obviously she did not want to come back for her things after what she had done.

    i clocked out and drove home.
     
  2. Element 518

    Element 518 Junior Member

    Joined: Oct 28, 2003 Messages: 134 Likes Received: 0
    I don't even know what to say to that.
     
  3. casekonly

    casekonly Veteran Member

    Joined: Aug 6, 2002 Messages: 8,264 Likes Received: 5
    wow. what a day.
    this shall be my reminder that
    my days do not suck ass.
     
  4. Bumboclot.

    Bumboclot. Member

    Joined: Jul 16, 2005 Messages: 994 Likes Received: 46
  5. why write?

    why write? Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 19, 2003 Messages: 5,859 Likes Received: 1
    hahahah i love this story
     
  6. CRAMPS

    CRAMPS Senior Member

    Joined: Jun 6, 2003 Messages: 1,600 Likes Received: 0
    this...is...great


    my "regular" job has had nothing this awesom...ever.

    just a drunken indian who would come into working beaten with a tennis raket by his wife so he had little square prints all over him....but thats it
     
  7. JohnnyHorton

    JohnnyHorton Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 2, 2002 Messages: 2,201 Likes Received: 0
    wow man
    thats a sit com like series of events
    congrats on making it out alive
     
  8. fermentor666

    fermentor666 Veteran Member

    Joined: Sep 27, 2003 Messages: 8,152 Likes Received: 15
  9. ElectricitySucks

    ElectricitySucks Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 13, 2001 Messages: 6,395 Likes Received: 24

    i prefer getting paid to watch tv or at least play with the noodles in the pool..but not deal with fighting, vomiting, or hippies. it was a confusing day.
     
  10. why write?

    why write? Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 19, 2003 Messages: 5,859 Likes Received: 1
    atleast you got paid for that
     
  11. MrChupacabra

    MrChupacabra 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 10, 2001 Messages: 10,940 Likes Received: 681
    Wait, so someone yacked in the pool and the people got out and you just kinda chilled there? If so, thats awesome. If you had to attempt to clean vomit out of a pool, i'm very sorry.
     
  12. ElectricitySucks

    ElectricitySucks Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 13, 2001 Messages: 6,395 Likes Received: 24

    i turned up the chlorine past the lethal limit to kill the vomit. and put a shitload of deadly cleaning chemicals in the water, which put minor burns on my hands.
     
  13. bufme1

    bufme1 Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 21, 2001 Messages: 2,340 Likes Received: 2
    a guy shit on the floor of my work once.
     
  14. MrChupacabra

    MrChupacabra 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 10, 2001 Messages: 10,940 Likes Received: 681
    I hope the next child who gets in the pool dies due to the chlorine and other chemicals. Make sure to blame it on acid-menstruation lady
     
  15. destroya

    destroya Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 30, 2002 Messages: 1,714 Likes Received: 2
    i thought this part was hilarious.

    :$:
     
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