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my hot dogs are my co-stars.

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by beardo, Feb 5, 2002.

  1. beardo

    beardo Guest

    From The Onion:


    By Christopher Walken
    Frank commentary on Hollywood from someone who knows
    This week, The Onion picks up another popular syndicated column: Christopher Walken's "Walken in L.A." For the last two years, Mr. Walken has provided his readers with consistently insightful commentary into the entertainment industry. His column already appears regularly in Variety and Rolling Stone, as well as in dozens of smaller newspapers and magazines. We're proud to welcome this celebrated actor and columnist to our pages.

    Do you enjoy eating hot dogs? I hope you won't be put off by my frankness when I tell you that I absolutely love them. In fact, I enjoy no food item more than a freshly-boiled hot dog. Now, I've done a lot of movies, and it's true that I've worked with quite a few celebrities who did not share this opinion. I'm sorry to say that these people have always angered me.

    There are two types of people in this world: those who eat hot dogs whenever it is possible to do so, and those who opt to do other things with their free time. Who do the latter think they are kidding? What pastime could be more rewarding than the consumption of hot dogs? I haven't yet found one, and I don't expect to in my lifetime. Unlike other foods, hot dogs can be eaten at any time, in any place, and it is not necessary to cook them. Now, I ask you: Why not eat hot dogs? They are delicious.

    I carry a bag of hot dogs with me wherever I go. I eat them from the bag whenever I get the urge, regardless of the circumstances. When I make a movie, my hot dogs are my co-stars. If, in the middle of a scene, I decide I want to consume a hot dog, I do so. I waste the director's time and thousands of dollars in film stock, but in the end, it is all worth it, because I enjoy eating hot dogs more than I enjoy acting. This bothers some people. I was supposed to portray Batman, but when Tim Burton learned of my hot dog cravings, he asked Michael Keaton to wear the cape. To this day, I am peeved about this.

    When we filmed The Dead Zone, I ate over 800 hot dogs a day. It was necessary. My character needed to come across as intense as possible, and I found the inspiration for that intensity in my intense love for hot dogs. The director, David Cronenberg, said that he would never work with me again. I kept eating hot dogs when the cameras were rolling, and that seemed to bother him. I say @!#$ him. He doesn't even like hot dogs.

    I would like to end by emphasizing once again that I really like to eat hot dogs. If any of you people disagree, I loathe you. I despise you. Not only that, but I also despise all your loved ones. I want to see them torn to pieces by wild dogs. If I ever meet you in person, I'll smash your brains in with a @!#$ bat. Then we'll see who doesn't like hot dogs.


    this is the funniest shit i have ever read in my entire life.
  2. suburbian bum

    suburbian bum 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Jan 30, 2001 Messages: 14,673 Likes Received: 3
    couldent you of picked a better article from the onion, your making it look dumb.
  3. alkaline

    alkaline Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 2, 2001 Messages: 3,097 Likes Received: 0
    I don't like hotdogs ... please don't smash my brains in with a @!#$ bat.
  4. Pilau Hands

    Pilau Hands Guest


    how excruciatingly dull!!!!

    THE DEVIL! Senior Member

    Joined: Aug 11, 2000 Messages: 1,045 Likes Received: 0
    I was Rolling sushi today, and I got the bright Idea to put a raw hotdog in a roll. I sliced, and ate it in front of the Sous Chef. He suggested Ketchup & Mustard. It was MAD fucked up. The sushi roll for Japanese baseball in 2002.
  6. beardo

    beardo Guest

    are you people kidding me? this is the funniest shit ever. hot dogs are never not funny. imagine christopher walken's voice as you read it.


    THE DEVIL! Senior Member

    Joined: Aug 11, 2000 Messages: 1,045 Likes Received: 0
    I saw "The Arsonists" open for KRS-1 last week, one of the MC's did a fuckin' killer Walken impression..............
  8. Pistol

    Pistol Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 12, 2001 Messages: 19,363 Likes Received: 299
    Hot Dogs. yum
  9. juggernaut

    juggernaut Member

    Joined: Nov 12, 2001 Messages: 414 Likes Received: 0
    the clenchers for me were:

    "my hot dogs are my co-stars." and:
    "Then we'll see who doesn't like hot dogs." beating peoples' heads in with a bat isn't funny, but the follow-up had me laughing. funny article all the way through.

    * i just noticed this line:
    "i hope you won't be put off by my frankness..."
  10. i had just been listening to an opie and anthony bit, where jay mohr is on and doing a christopher walken impression DEAD ON.
    "why listen to the radio? you own the album..."

    so i totally heard it in his voice and laughed...
    people say he is as creepy in real life as he is in the movies
  11. Pistol

    Pistol Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 12, 2001 Messages: 19,363 Likes Received: 299
    ...And then we'll see who doesen't like hot dogs
  12. beardo

    beardo Guest

    bump for hot dogs
  13. Pistol

    Pistol Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 12, 2001 Messages: 19,363 Likes Received: 299
    Bump cause I just had to let everyone know I had 2 hotdogs right now.
    They ARE my co-stars.
    ...And then we'll see who doesen't like hot dogs
  14. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
    "if you cut the thread there...then no one will be able to see me. come on. why do you gotta do that? thats mean. hmph."