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my friend: APARATO

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by casekonly, Jul 16, 2004.

  1. casekonly

    casekonly Veteran Member

    Joined: Aug 6, 2002 Messages: 8,264 Likes Received: 5
    ok, this is a guy i've known for a while and he's got a myspace blog. this shit is completely fucked up and i thought i would share it with people who like to read fucked up shit.

    smoked almonds

    Tommy Chong has got to be my most favorite person in the world. I mean, who else goes to jail for selling bongs? Nobody. That's like going to jail for having ice skates that are a tad bit too sharp. If I was Melissa Ethridge i'd have Tommy Chongs baby instead of that fat freebase smoking gun toting bastard she stole sperm from that one time at band camp. Also, I just heard that Cheech Marin is going to do another movie with my most favorite person in the world (tommy chong). This little tidbit made me smile. See it was Cheech who wouldn't do the movie a few years ago because he thought he was too good or to straight to do anything remotely WEED related. "No," said cheech, " I HAVE TO DO WALKER TEXAS RANGER!". If there is anything gayer than "Walker Texas Ranger" on that godforsaken slave box I haven't heard of it yet. Not only that, BUT IF BY SOME SLIM CHANCE THERE IS SOMETHING GAYER then they should call NAMBLA and have them do commecials for it. In the commecials i demand that they have hardcore penetration scenes. It's only right.

    Speaking of hardcore gay man boy action , I went to the store today and bought some grapes. Man these grapes were fantastic. Not only were they seedless but I ate like half the bag on my way to the register meaning i got to relish in their tastyness and pay less for them at the end of my orgasmic feeding session. The whole way there I thought to myself that they should PUNK little orphans instead of dumbasses like The ROCK or EVE. I mean who really cares to see EVE act like the ghetto trash she really is when she's put into a stressful environment? I already knew she has no relevant social skills and i don't need Ashton Kutcher to pound it into my head like some man pounding a boy's ass after the NAMBLA convention. The perfect PUNKed show would be orphans getting tricked into thinking they are being adopted by someone rich. Like, Michael Jackson. I think this would make one hell of a show. Don't you?

    So, get this. At the register... they have a deal for two tins of smoked almonds for 5 bucks. See, i'm the guy on the airplaine that asks you for your pack of smoked almonds if you haven't ate the one assigned to you. Yep, that's me. I LOVE SMOKED ALMONDS. You know what i love more than them tho? Licking my fingers after i've ate a sizeable ammount. Then after my belly is full of salty nutty goodness(no this isn't a double entendre but if you want it to be then maybe you are gay and jesus wont let you into heaven) i use the can as an ashtray. There is nothing as perfect in this world as a can of smoked almonds. Because after eating smoked almonds there is no activity that brings more joy then smoking a cigarette. The fact that the can makes a perfect ashtray just proves my point that they are the most perfect creation nut makers ever came up with. You can take that to the bank.

    I am unlike anything you have ever seen

    There is harmony in disharmony. I mean, behind the clouds, the sun is shining. It could be worse
    and eventualy it will be worse because feeling bad is just a new sensation. Tomorrow is another day
    and you will survive. See, every cloud has a silver lining. Plus, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. After the rain comes a rainbow and making a bad decision is better than making no decision at all. There are no words for emptiness and your time will come. Because, it is the inside that really matters and it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

    Wisdom is not truth. See, there are lies, damned lies and statistics. Truth is nothing but a feeling that something is true and who cares about reasoning anyway? It's always darkest before the dawn because every rose has its thorn and it has to get worse, before it gets better. So, cheer up, it's not the end of the world! This too, shall pass! Life's not so bad, when you consider the alternative. You see, zero is sometimes better than nothing. I know that most of the work out there is being done to counter the effects of other people’s work: when we all agree to work half as much, the total result would be the same. Everything is vanity and the more things change, the more they stay the same.

    Making a decision is easy: when the difference is big you know what to choose, and when the difference is small, it does not really matter what you chose because life is a bitch. I love being free, it's the best way to be because you see, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Midnight is where the day begins and all good things come to those that wait. Time is a cure because when you give space to time, time will fill space and one day you will wake up, and it will all fit together. Only time will tell and the waiting is the hardest part. You see this is a process of eliminating options because life is so short, you want to experience as much as possible and the truth is just as meaningful as the lie. Which just goes to show you that there is no comfort in the truth. Secrets are secret and they keep you from the street.

    When in doubt, consult your inner child because if it doesn't come naturally, leave it because importance is always relative and indecision is the key to flexibility. Most people don’t even know why they feel they have to work. They haven't yet realized that you get nothing for free and the world goes to shit if they don’t do whatever it is they are doing first. Not only that man but they seem to think that when the work is done, they will have time for themselves. But they wont. See, life is hard. Life sucks, and then you die. Then again, life is not that hard, because it only needs some positive thinking because there will come a day when all the work is finished or when it is too late to finish it. They need to know that waiting always lasts long and if they wait long enough some day their ship will come in. Untill then they must always remember that no news is good news and the sharper the berry, the sweeter is the wine.

    Truth is relative and poor planning on your part does not create an emergency on my part. See if you always complain when your work is being interupted you'll soon stop when you realise the interuptions are your work. Such is life, and it's getting sucher and sucher.


    So here I am, in the future. I'm drinking bathtub wine and huffing lots of paint. People look down on folks that huff paint but I say it's a great way to relax and think about deep philosophical issues that may be clouding your daily life and/or perplexing you to the point that the brain can't stand it anymore and you have to go out and have sex with stationary inorganic objects. But then again, I guess nothing really makes sense while huffing paint and drinking bathtub wine. Not even taking a dump. There is no good answer to the conundrum that is life. The question itself begs to be answered with even more questions. And then there's the crack. Jesus is inside of crack. I shit you not folks! You want to see jesus and ask him questions and have him do your dishes/laundry/groceries? Smoke some crack. Not only is jesus inside of crack he IS the crack. It's like someone put jesus in a junkyard compactor (you know the type that turn junk cars into square blocks of metal) and hit the "on" button. Trust me on this one folks because me and Keith Richards have had enough conversations with jesus to make this idea not just a theory but actual scientific FACT. If you put crack under a microscope it is as if you were looking at the shroud of turin. Buy some crack and try it for yourself if you don't believe me!

    I'm not advocating the use of crack I'm just saying you should check it out under a microscope. Furthermore who even WANTS to talk to jesus or have him do one's chores? I sure as hell don't. He'd probably fuck it up. After all, anyone that has anything to do with crack just fucks things up in the end. That is what happens and this is a FACT. Also, Keith Richards is a fucking liar. His breath stinks and the stench isn't cigarettes, folks. You know what it is?? Dead people. Yes, you read it correct. DEAD PEOPLE. There is no mistaking the putrid stench of homosapien corpse on someone's breath. Believe you me i've been around the block a few times and have hung out with cannibals before so i damn well KNOW that fucking stench. It sure doesn't smell like a dozen roses. When me and Keith hung out (we've since grown apart) he always wanted me to "have dinner at his place" or "try his homemade beef jerky" or "smoke some crack". As if i couldn't take a hint. I wasn't born yesterday you know. I'll break it down for you folks:

    Smoking crack makes you see/speak/be with jesus. In essence making you a cannibal or one susceptible to the cannibalistic lifestyle.

    If jesus = crack
    And jesus also = cannibal enthusiast (wine=blood & bread=flesh)
    Then Keith Richards+crack = cannibal

    This isn't new , it's been covered before and I'm sure if you have any sort of internet prowess you have stumbled upon similar verisions of this very theory. It's all true and not theory at all. I just use the word "theory" so all the nay-sayers can feel better about themselves ( well i guess i fucked that up now ). Call Keith and ask him yourself if you don't believe me. I'm sure he'll act like he doesn't know what the hell you are talking about because he's so spaced out on jesus. Even if he does say something to you it'll all sound like garbled muffled sounds of a man with a mouthful of human flesh. I dare any one of you out there reading this to debunk my theory.

    totaly kickass day

    Ok, so today I called up my best friend who is also a famous rockstar. I'm going to leave out the name because he wants to remain anonymous. Anyhow me and him went to the mall and got totaly trashed on airplane glue and gasoline. So , John and I are trying to walk around the mall and his fake moustache keeps falling off. I asked him why he doesn't just grow a real moustache and he just shrugged it off and said he doesn't want to get crabs again. I said that we should get something to eat and we went to the Olive Garden for some cheese burgers. Once there we ordered mince meat pie and proceeded to rub it all over our genitals. JBJ had the great idea of sending it back to the kitchen under the false pretense that it was way too salty. As luck would have it he somehow fooled the waitress into tasting it to make sure and we all had a good laugh. The waitress's name was Nancy and she had enourmous breasts. John and I invited her back to his place and we took turns sticking vegetables in her love holes. I forgot my camera (video and photo) Needless to say my dad was really pissed about that.

    So after we had our way with Nancy and the crisper drawer we dropped her off at the local church because she said something about "feeling dirty". John signed her boob (she asked) and we were off to score some more airplaine glue. You'd be suprised how much airplaine glue Jon Bon Jovi goes thru in a day. I mean, all it takes me is one tube but that guy could literaly put Hobby Lobby out of buisness. Good thing he's a rock star because I'm sure he'd be broke by now with a habit like that. So, after we scored the glue we got some bags and decided to go "down the shore". For anyone not from new jersey this means "to the beach". Driving down the parkway huffing airplaine glue is not exactly easy but old John pulled it off like a pro. The whole time he was talking about some benefit show he was going to do for "women who had their tits lobbed off due to cancer". Personaly , I think all that glue over the years has made John one jaded rock star. But, who am i to judge. Plus, I think rockstars are supposed to be jaded. I don't know what i'd do if i got breast cancer but i can guarantee you it would not be pretty. Imagine Charlie Manson pissed off and multiply that by Ted Bundy pissed off now square that by Hitler pissed off. If you aren't good with math this would roughly equal REALLY PISSED OFF. If you are good with math then you are a better person than I am. Plus, i hate your fucking guts but if you could i'd love you for you to do my taxes.

    Anyhow, a few dead pedestriants later we are at "da shoa" and it's looking mighty nice. Tons of women walking around in bikinis and flashing us because "OMG IT'S BON JOVI". Needless to say I was pissed because we never went back to my place for any image recording devices. I always wanted to be like that guy that does GIRLS GONE WILD. I had missed my chance which is basicly the story of my life. So we park the car and slip into the speedos. I stuff a dead racoon in the backside of mine and John used a skunk. I picked this trick up from another rock star friend of mine and you'd be suprised howmuch chicks absolutely DIG it. So here we are strolling down the boardwalk with dead animals in our speedos and snagging broads (and their numbers) left and right. John ofcourse has me beat in this department but it's only because he's famous and does benefit shows for women with no tits. I was not born so lucky but i WAS born with an enourmous cock and a face that screams "you know you want to fuck me!". We met these really sexy twins and decided we needed to get more vegetables and a hotel room. Needless to say these two were freakier than we had expected and brought their mom and pop along because "they are big fans". John mentioned that he gets this all the time and I couldn't help but think "gross". A man's got to have standards and mine are no shriveled up roast beef sandwiches dripping flourescent poon juice. Anyhow I sent the 'rents out to the gas station for a couple gallons of premium and a case of glue because I decided then and there that we were going to have a party! Plus I wanted to warm up the twins with a few ears of corn and this mean butternut squash John had in the trunk for special occasions. Would you believe the chicks thought we were going to make them something to eat? Real amateurs. But they were so tight they literealy stripped all the kernels off the corn. PERFECT. So in come the 'rents and start yammering up a storm so John signs the old lady's festering crotch to calm her down a bit. I showed pop how to use the butternut squash and he eventualy revealed to me how he's been doing this for a while. Shy bunch i tell ya. We left the hotel room about 2am and decided to head on down to McDonalds.

    At McDonalds John starts telling me about how he has these fantasies he's been having lately about my cock in his ass. To tell the truth i really dont' swing that way but i really couldn't pass up the oppertunity to fuck a rockstar. Would you? So we go back to his place and i try to get him pregnant. No vegetables this time because all he's got in his fridge is astro glide and Colt45's. I know what you're thinking but i'm totaly against any type of glass being rammed inside of the human body. I have morals you know. John thanked me for fulfilling his fantasy and gave me a ride home. I don't think i'll be hanging out with him again anytime soon tho. I'm not really into guys at all. I heated up a salsbury steak TV dinner, watched golden girls and went to sleep.

    that last one, i'm told, was done while he was high on morphine.
  2. Nekro

    Nekro Elite Member

    Joined: Feb 19, 2003 Messages: 2,568 Likes Received: 1
    Awesome status.
  3. wiseguy

    wiseguy Elite Member

    Joined: Mar 1, 2002 Messages: 2,543 Likes Received: 1
    im too tired to focus on the writing, but from what i read, it is fucking radicular.
  4. villain

    villain Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2002 Messages: 5,190 Likes Received: 2
    very.... interesting
  5. High Priest

    High Priest Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 1, 2002 Messages: 4,928 Likes Received: 4
    Too Black, Too Strong.
  6. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
  7. bEka

    bEka Junior Member

    Joined: Aug 13, 2003 Messages: 155 Likes Received: 0
    he added me to his friends list yesterday
  8. EyeforAnEYE

    EyeforAnEYE Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 29, 2003 Messages: 4,199 Likes Received: 3
  9. why write?

    why write? Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 19, 2003 Messages: 5,859 Likes Received: 1

    KING BLING Guest

  11. MrChupacabra

    MrChupacabra 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 10, 2001 Messages: 10,940 Likes Received: 683
    I've only gotten around to reading one of his journals, but it made me laugh, so hes cool in my book.