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mosquitos. a true story.


duh-rye-won

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last year, before i moved to the honkey kong, I had a big bbq at my parents crib on strong island. good food and a wholesale beverage retailer a few blocks away made for a totally excellent jam. a light afternoon drizzle couldn't even spoil the fun. as expected, serious krunkification ensued. mama and papa iquit even held their own in the company of my alcoholic goon squad who terrorized the usually peaceful backyard.

 

well all good things must come to an end. the sun went down and the moon came out. i was fucking shithoused, and barely noticed that the party had dwindled down to just a few. mama and papa iquit were sleeping upstairs and me and my hometown crew burned a farewell blunt and were just cold lampin' on a beautiful summer night in the backyard. the only problem was the mosquitos.

 

me and my boys were all on the deck huddled around this big outdoor wood burning stove thing that my parents bought. this thing is fucking awesome. makes a chilly night perfectly comfortable and cozy and keeps those little west nile carrying fuckers away. the mosquitos were brutal. we were safe sitting by the fire, but we were just mesmerized by the huge swarms of these bastard at every light. it must've been the rain, but i have never seen such huge swarms of the little vampires in my life.

 

the monster blunt reduced to nothing more than a roach that got flicked into the fire and the crew bounced. i spent a few minutes trying to tidy up the backyard a bit, but i could barely walk, the mosquitos were in effect, and it was way too big of a job. fuck it. i was going to sleep. I walked into my kitchen from the backyard and made my way to the fridge for some water. drank a tall glass as a hangover preventative, and as i drained that last sip i saw it.

 

"oh fuck. ohhhhhhhhhh fuck. i am waaayyyyyyyyy to high to deal with this right now. fuuuuuck."

 

fucking mosquitoes EVERYWHERE. one of my douchebag burnout homies left a screen door open. the mosquitoes had fully infiltrated the crib. my parents kitchen looked like a fucking national geographic documentary. "ohhhhhhhh fuck fuck FUCK". hundreds of the fuckers swarmed every light in the kitchen. i was completely lit and had no idea how to handle the situation. leave it till the morning? nah i can't do that. it's 4am and my parents will wake up way before me. i ain't gonna leave this for mom and dad after throwing me the ill bbq jammy jam. fuck. what to do, what to do........ fuck, i don't know.

 

so i go upstairs and wake up my dad.

 

"dad. dad. DAD."

 

"huh? the fuck?"

 

"sorry dad, you gotta come see this. it can't wait till morning"

 

"ahhhhh thefuuuuuck did you doooo?"

 

so papa iquit rolls out of bed in the tighty whiteys. fat, drunk, hairy, and stumbling out of bed, i get the somewhat disturbing notion that i'm following right in his footsteps. oh well, he's a cool guy... so we get downstairs and i tell him to look up.

 

"ahhhhhhhh fuck"

 

"yeah, i know. sorry"

 

my dad is silent for about 20 seconds just looking up. kinda smiling, he knows it's funny even tho it's a pain in the ass. my dad's a real smart fucker too, and i know he's coming up with a plan. i suggested shutting the lights off and leaving lights on outside so they would just bounce, but he didn't even hear me because he was in full-on macguyver mode. and, well, he's a burnout and tends to space the fuck out on ya. finally he says follow me and goes for the closet. he was like hannibal and i felt like murdock workin' on the plan. or maybe face. definitely not B.A. tho, i mean, lets be real. but i could hear that A-TEAM theme song in my head while i watch my father reach down into the closet. i tried to see past his fat, hairy ass but i couldn't see what he was doing. then he comes out with the vacuum cleaner. he looks at me and shrugs his shoulders.

 

no joke, my father starts humming the fucking ghostbusters tune while he plugs in the vacuum. he was fucking wasted, and i just started dying laughing. so there's my dad. fat, hairy, wasted and standing on a chair in the kitchen in his tighty whiteys vacuuming mosquitoes off of the ceiling while humming the ghostbusters song. i grabbed a dustbuster and joined him. it took about 30 minutes. then my father told me i was an idiot and that my friends were bunch of idiots and he stumbled off to bed.

 

THE END

 

well, i said the story was true, i never said it was great.

 

your friend,

iquit

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Guest BROWNer

i have encountered too many hardcore evil encounters with

mosquitos.

once i was camping off this lake in the interior, the

outside of my tent was completely covered in mosquitos and

the sound was unbelievable. this was when i treeplanted, and

when you are out in it for 10hrs, it starts to fuck with your mind.

i have seen people seriously

lose their marbles due to insane mosquito situations.

also seen quite a few people's faces totally balloon up from

excessive bites..

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Originally posted by ~KRYLON2~

your old man probably got the idea from watching next friday, you know the scene where they are smoking weed and they used the vacuum to suck the smoke. i actually tried that with a friends shop vac and it worked pretty well

 

great idea for a bong.

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ha-ha...nice.

 

one of my old neighbors vacumed the dirt out of her yard after my dad planted a tree. she also hooked a hair dryer up via an extremely long extension cord...so she could dry the leaves on her tree after it got wet from my day watering the yard.

 

crazy? just a little bit. she tried to run the neighbor kids over...constantly.

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