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Men Versus Women

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by bobobi11, Jan 25, 2002.

  1. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    RELATIONSHIPS

    First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were bonking on a semi-regular basis."

    SEX

    Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

    Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

    HANDWRITING

    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

    Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

    BATHROOMS

    A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

    The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

    MAGAZINES

    Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

    Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

    GROCERIES

    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

    A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

    CATS

    Women love cats.

    Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    GARAGES

    Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

    Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

    MOVIES

    For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

    For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

    THE TELEPHONE

    Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

    A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

    LOW BLOWS

    Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

    The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

    The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

    ADMITTING MISTAKES

    Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

    The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

    OFFSPRING

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    CAMERAS

    Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state- of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

    Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.

    LOCKER ROOMS

    In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

    Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

    LAUNDRY

    Women do laundry every couple of days.

    A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

    TOYS

    Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

    Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

    PLANTS

    A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

    MUSTACHES

    Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

    There are no women who look good with mustaches.

    NICKNAMES

    With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

    But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Louse.
     
  2. -Rage-

    -Rage- 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Apr 12, 2001 Messages: 10,006 Likes Received: 27
    Dear god.
     
  3. dukeofyork

    dukeofyork Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 9, 2000 Messages: 1,589 Likes Received: 1
    there are too many points that i can relate to on this one to single out...
     
  4. vinyl junkie

    vinyl junkie Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 17, 2002 Messages: 4,725 Likes Received: 0
    i just did laundry yesterday for the first time in a couple of months... it always feels strange to have clean clothes...
    "laundry day is a dangerous day" --Rocco

    also, toys: todd mcfarlane has ruined me. 'nuff said
     
  5. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest

    "A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."

    Daddys lil Monster! grrrrrr…watch out she packs a mean Mouse Punch!


    LOL…good shit here.
    I think my questions have finally been answered!
     
  6. Abracadabra

    Abracadabra Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Dec 28, 2001 Messages: 22,906 Likes Received: 113


    WHEN?????????

    you show me a women that admits to a mistake, and i will show you a microsoft product that never breaks down.
     
  7. dukeofyork

    dukeofyork Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 9, 2000 Messages: 1,589 Likes Received: 1
  8. Pilau Hands

    Pilau Hands Guest

    hahaha ho ho ho me oh my

    yeah ok...i haven't gotten a haircut in months, i don't shower, i kick my cats, lock my kids in a drawer, but damnit...

    where the hell is my ham sannich?
    woman!
     
  9. Cracked Ass

    Cracked Ass Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 24, 2001 Messages: 7,898 Likes Received: 47
    It's all true, but I differ with the above list in 2 ways:
    1. I like foreplay.
    2. I never kick the cats. I like cats.
     
  10. swif1

    swif1 Veteran Member

    Joined: Dec 13, 2001 Messages: 7,067 Likes Received: 28
  11. swif1

    swif1 Veteran Member

    Joined: Dec 13, 2001 Messages: 7,067 Likes Received: 28
  12. iCEBERG

    iCEBERG Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 22, 2001 Messages: 2,039 Likes Received: 0
  13. Unregistered

    Unregistered Junior Member

    Joined: Nov 30, 2001 Messages: 154 Likes Received: 0
    If DaVinci was still alive and a fighting man, I'm certain he would kick the shit out of whoever originated this statement.
     
  14. Unregistered

    Unregistered Junior Member

    Joined: Nov 30, 2001 Messages: 154 Likes Received: 0
    VIBRATORS
     
  15. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
    http://www.netgoth.org.uk/people/8657.jpg'>
    "makro looked at me once....i love him. oh wait i just heard he thot i was a can of poison eyes with stupid lips."
     
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