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me, myself, and i....ROB

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by mental invalid, Feb 27, 2004.

  1. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    just scooped 3 feet high and rising from a used bin, its been on constant rotation.


    Free Will Astrology
    horoscopes for week of February 26, 2004

    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    You know that library book you checked out in 1999 and still have in your bookcase? It's time to return it to the library, preferably along with a partial payment. Remember the unconscious way you broke up with one of your old flames? It's time to send an apology. How about that dumb thing you did to sabotage your own happiness once upon a time? Isn't it about time you forgave yourself and shed your lingering remorse? Hell has frozen over, Aries. Pigs have grown wings. Make the atonements you thought you'd never make in a thousand years.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    University students in Poland have discovered an unexpected way to boost their grades: wearing red underwear while taking tests. Ever since researchers presented evidence of the "red underwear effect," clothing stores have reported a run on scarlet-hued bras, underpants, and boxer shorts around exam times. Maybe it's merely the result of mass hysteria, but what difference does it make if it truly enhances the students' performance under pressure? I suggest you consider hopping on this trend, Taurus. What have you got to lose from regularly donning red skivvies during this, the final-exam phase of your yearly cycle?
    Life will bring you entertaining revelations in the coming week, Taurus. .

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    If oil companies were given a green light to drill Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, they'd ultimately produce 42 million gallons of black gold every day. America's dependence on foreign oil would diminish, which might in turn reduce its inclination to use military force to ensure its supply. But there is a simpler way to accomplish the same goal. If the fuel efficiency of SUVs were boosted a mere three miles per gallon, America's daily oil consumption would decrease by 49 million gallons. I suggest you keep this scenario in mind, Gemini, as you head towards a turning point in your personal life. Rather than exploit and pollute one of your natural talents for a seemingly good cause, I suggest you seek an alternate way to accomplish that good cause. It may take a relatively minor adjustment.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    In an effort to improve the image of the pit bull, New York City has officially changed the dog's name to "New Yorkies." I propose that we Crabs try a similar experiment. Isn't it time we try shedding our linguistic connection with the killer disease? How about if for the next three weeks we call our sign "Thunderbird" or "Quantum Flux" or "Vanquisher" instead of "Cancer"? Let's see if it stimulates subtle changes in the way we think about ourselves. It's the perfect time to try it. We're currently in an astrological phase when we have maximum power to transcend limitations.

    Leo (July 23-August 22)

    Let's do a check-in, Leo. In the first eight weeks of 2004, how well have you taken advantage of the stellar wealth-building opportunities? Have you been doing the inner work necessary to increase your value? Have you unleashed your imagination in a quest to heal and supercharge your relationship with money? Have you started to lay the groundwork for the livelihood you want to be doing by March 1, 2009? It's prime time to intensify your efforts in all these tasks. P.S. I suggest that you also cultivate relationships with collaborators who can help you attract resources you'll need for a long time.

    Virgo (August 23-September 22)

    Lent is the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter when devout Christians commemorate the 40 days that Christ allegedly spent resisting the devil's temptations in the wilderness. Growing up Episcopalian, I was taught to imitate Jesus every year at this time by giving up something I had a strong attachment to. My usual choice was candy. It so happens, Virgo, that even if you're not Christian, the coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to renounce three experiences that you have become a bit addicted to. Those experiences are berating yourself, denying yourself pleasure, and giving till it hurts. I urge you to give them all up between now and April 10.

    Libra (September 23-October 22)

    It's time for a check-in, Libra. What progress have you been making in your work on this year's major assignment? As I suggested two months ago, you should expedite the dying of the Old You, preparing the way for the birth of the New You later in 2004. So have you been taking brave steps to liberate yourself from the past? Have you opened yourself to the possibility of making radical departures from business-as-usual? Do you whisper the word "resurrection" to yourself as you fall asleep each night? If you've been carrying out this quest in even a half-assed way, the coming week will bring you a poignant gift.

    Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

    Your ability to speak moving words and initiate useful changes is at a peak. So is your knack for revealing your inner beauty and attracting the help and attention you want. How will you wield these awesome powers? Like a manipulative megalomaniac bent on ruling your little corner of the world, always angling for personal gain? Or like a fascinating fount of blessings, eager to share your wealth as you hunt down inspiring adventures with relentless ingenuity?

    Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

    Northern California, the place I call home, has more spiritual workshops per capita than anywhere else on earth. On a given weekend, you can choose from yoga retreats, meditation classes, astrology intensives, and a hundred other adventures in woo-woo. Grizzled veterans of the scene have a phrase to describe the attitude of workshop leaders who are overly proud of how enlightened they are -- who ooze a pretentious solemnity that belies the divine grace they're supposedly championing. The term is "stinky Zen." It's a perfect way to convey the fact that humorless self-importance can sabotage even the finest ideals. Be on the alert for this stench, Sagittarius -- not only in New Age types, but in everyone else, too. I nominate you to be the earthy whistleblower who makes sure that all the deep truths stay fun and funny.

    Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

    Some British celebrities turn down the honors their government proposes to bestow on them. For example, actor Albert Finney refused to become a knight, saying it was "a disease which perpetuates snobbery." Similarly, some people reject gifts they can't use or don't want. My friend Glenda's uncle offered to give her an ostrich farm in Louisiana on the condition that she move there and oversee its operation. No thanks, she said. I advise you to be on the alert for meaningless honors and pseudo-blessings like these, Capricorn. Don't let them distract you from the real thing, which will arrive later.

    Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

    At no time in the week ahead will you be struck by lightning, squeezed by a giant python, or blindsided by an old nemesis. I do predict that an unexpected force will hit you upside your attitude, but it will be the kind that's good for you. Here are some examples of what form this intervention might take. You could be splashed with a squirt gun by a friend who wants to break down an awkwardness or formality that has undermined your closeness; you could be hit with rolled-up socks thrown by a child who has something important to tell you; or you may be hugged with surprising ferocity by a person who is suddenly sorry to have been taking you for granted.

    Pisces (February 19-March 20)

    Some astrologers believe that an unusually high percentage of babies born on February 29 grow up to be bisexual. I would go further and say that people born on that day are more likely to become bisexual, transgendered, double-jointed, ambidextrous double agents who are equally skilled at accessing both their left and right brain. Even you Pisceans who were not born on that exceptional day will be injected with a hefty dose of the February 29 spirit this week. It should be an excellent time to have your cake and eat it, too.
  2. caL

    caL Senior Member

    Joined: Feb 7, 2003 Messages: 2,056 Likes Received: 0
    ok so im taurus, so this week i should expect a fine ass hoe in a red thong, bring it on.
  3. DETO

    DETO Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 25, 2002 Messages: 11,348 Likes Received: 155
    whoa! that was pretty accurate!
  4. SteveAustin

    SteveAustin Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 12, 2002 Messages: 7,042 Likes Received: 2
    I do everything half-assed...bring on my presents bee-hotch!
  5. --zeSto--

    --zeSto-- Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2000 Messages: 6,979 Likes Received: 2
    ya know ya want it !

    ---------------------- song of the week: David Bowie - Modern Love

    Aries: (March 21—April 19)
    God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.

    Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
    Everybody starts his or her life as a tiny blastula. Thanks to a pair of mad scientists and their temporal-reversal ray, you'll be the first person to end life as one, too.

    Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
    You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.

    Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
    Everyone worries about what Fate has in store for them, but don't fret. You won't feel a thing.

    Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
    Tom Jones is a born showman and a true professional. He's not going to stop his whole show, even if he does see you in the audience.

    HAHAHA --- Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
    Your spouse is finally getting tired of your shit. Find some other way to spice things up in the bedroom.

    Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
    After a lifetime of trying to be quixotic, you've only achieved a vague sort of windmill-otic quality.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
    This week marks a personal transformation when you're doused in kerosene, set ablaze, and somehow transformed into a beacon of hope and love.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
    With railroads continuing their decades-long slide into obsolescence, one would think you'd be responsible for fewer locomotive crashes.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
    You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
    Well, let that be a lesson to you about going around throwing out bathwater without checking its contents first.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
    Replacing you with a machine would have been overkill. Your functions are being handled by a hideous piece of public art.
  6. afraidoflife

    afraidoflife Member

    Joined: Apr 13, 2003 Messages: 322 Likes Received: 0
    Nothing is fun or funny anymore.
  7. yoshy

    yoshy Member

    Joined: Jun 23, 2000 Messages: 738 Likes Received: 0
    word thunder pants
  8. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest

    I havent been doing shit half assed.
    Lagging....thats what I do best!
    hahaha...wheres my gift?
  9. effyoo

    effyoo Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 2, 2002 Messages: 4,703 Likes Received: 0
    Rob says I'll get the red thonged hoe, or i should be wearing a red thong, or something, and the onion says i'll die and und up as sperm.

  10. Jackson

    Jackson Veteran Member

    Joined: May 21, 2002 Messages: 7,345 Likes Received: 122
    From Fugly.com's Whoreoscopes:

    Feb. 19 - March 20
    If you and your partner have a spat, it's partially because you don't agree and partially because your nerves are on edge and partially because you relationship is falling apart and partially because they are cheating on you and partially because you're gay. Give it up.

    March 20- April 19
    You're a hard worker, but today expect complications. You may not have much time for family. Schedule a meeting with them for tomorrow like they're some kind of business associate or something. That’s so condescending and makes you look like even more of a dick. You're a terrible husband/wife/mother/father/child.

    April 19 - May 20
    If a loved one complains about a lack of funds, stay cool. Instead of getting upset, use this as your inspiration. Get them to do all sorts of degrading things that they'd never do if you weren't holding the money over their head. See how low they'll stoop and then call them a worthless whore.

    May. 21 - Jun. 21
    You may want to stay close to home and tidy things up. It may take a lot of scrubbing to get that huge bloodstain off the carpet, but when the cops start asking questions, you'll be glad you put in the effort.

    June 21 - July 22
    Is somebody telling you to do something stupid, like jumping off a building to see if you can fly? You're a nice person, but this could rattle you. Maybe you ought to do what they ask. That's a good way to prove it won't work.

    July 22 - Aug. 23
    Someone has slipped LSD into the last thing you ate or drank. Stay calm, and get to a hospital as quickly as possible. You're just going to have to ride this one out.

    Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
    No more money's in it for you, if you're right. You might want to bite your tongue and let the other person find out the hard way. It will be funny watching them go broke and have to give up their house. Maybe their spouse will divorce them too. If this happens, offer you condolences, but secretly try and date their ex. You can chuckle to yourself every time you see either one of them from then on.

    Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
    You're sharp, but you may also be irritated. You're never going to find the answer you're seeking by worrying about it. Ask an expert to help. Call 411. It's really a misnomer that they only handle telephone directory information. You can find out all sorts of things from these friendly people. If they don't have the answer right away, ask to speak to their supervisor.

    Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

    If you have financial difficulties, don't try to borrow the money now. You can get what you need another way. You can steal it, blackmail your neighbor or sell drugs. If you have young children, you can pimp them out to Japanese businessmen. Financial opportunities are all around you.

    Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
    If you and a friend aren't getting along, it might not be the other guy's fault. It doesn't really matter though does it? You're not about to admit you’re wrong, you ignorant fucking prick. It's all about you isn't it, you dick.

    Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
    You may have to get together with loved ones during the day for your relative's funeral. What? Didn't anyone tell you they died? You idiot, you'd better hurry or you're going to look like a real asshole.

    Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
    Things may not go quite as planned. You might find you don't have enough to buy what you want. You'll find a way. You always do since you're so addicted to the stuff and don't want to go through the sweats and vomiting again. That methadone doesn't do a fucking thing for you either.
  11. Rodney Trotter

    Rodney Trotter Senior Member

    Joined: Aug 23, 2001 Messages: 1,683 Likes Received: 1
    The big question is, do I swap my copy of JVC Force - Big Trax, for a copy of Boostin Kev - That Be Boostin, with that kid in Sweden?

    This doesn't help at all.
  12. rental

    rental Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 1, 2001 Messages: 7,641 Likes Received: 2

    fuck. whats scary is that this could be accurate.