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me and ROB, hungover like a mutha fucka

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by mental invalid, May 31, 2002.

  1. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8



    i guess ROB is looking for donations, so do what your "free will" tells ya...there is a link to the paypal page on his home page....help a brother out huh?

    ARIES (March 21-April 19)

    When I launched my career as a horoscope columnist, my Aries editor advised me, "Always emphasize the Big Three. Money, love, and power are what people care about most." When he realized after a few months that I'd just as soon write about Jungian archetypes, tantric rituals, and lucid dreams, he downsized me. To this day, I'm chronically worried I don't give you Rams enough lowdown on the Big Three. Luckily, that's not a problem now, because I can in good conscience assert that the future is pregnant with opportunities for you to become more powerful by spending money on love . . . to grow richer by being a powerfully sensitive lover . . . and to attract more love by bringing greater subtlety to your pursuit of money and power.


    TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

    I'm pleased to announce that the cosmos has given you poetic license to be very demanding this week -- as long as you're not rude, frivolous, or unreasonable. Here are some examples of ultimatums that will pass the test: "I demand that everyone has to get drunk on the truth with me;" "I demand to grow younger every day;" "I demand that everyone I love has to help me undo the black magic I've inadvertently performed on myself." On the other hand, Taurus, the following ultimatums are not acceptable: "I demand tribute, you fools;" "I demand that a surrogate mommy has to cut all the crusts off my sandwiches;" "I demand that the river has to flow backwards."


    GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

    I think it's high time you dreamed up a few new vices. The old ones barely tweak your guilty conscience any more, and they certainly don't pack the educational punch they once had. Personally, I'd love to see you try some really rambunctious diversions, like eating ripe figs while playing with rubber duckies in a public fountain with your silk pajamas on, or toppling the icons and idols you once believed in but no longer do, or finally risking what you were forbidden or too inhibited to do when you were in tenth grade. But of course it's totally up to you how you want to depart from the same old boring mischief. P.S. Don't you dare tell anyone I've suggested this.


    CANCER (June 21-July 22)

    I propose that you play a prank on yourself, Cancerian. While putting on your shirt or blouse some morning, fasten the top button in the second hole, the second button in the third hole, and so on all the way down. Then preserve this dishevelment the rest of the day, summoning all your dignity in the face of odd stares and snide comments. If anyone says, "Hey, your shirt's buttoned wrong," reply, "No it isn't. I buttoned it this way on purpose." And the purpose of this exercise? To practice maintaining your composure and sense of self in the face of a twist that might normally throw you off-center. It'll be a great rehearsal for the other challenges headed your way.


    LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

    Before proceeding any further, please arrange for a bright companion to rub your shoulders while thinking tender thoughts about you. This is no joke. I urge you not to read on until you are feeling well-loved and appreciated. Why? Because it will drive home the point that you are most likely to express your full potential in the coming week if you are steeped in the sympathetic influences of people who see the best in you. Don't just wait around and hope for this to come your way by accident. Get out there and make it happen.


    VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

    It's the Rock Star Phase of your astrological cycle -- a time when you have license to inject your confidence with the metaphorical equivalent of steroids. Therefore, I'm pleased to grant you the authority to whisper or bellow the following truths thousands of times in the coming week.
    1. "I am a graceful genius who motivates people to do what's difficult but right."
    2. "My well-hung mind is a fount of healing surprises."
    3. "I am a fascinating fertility god/goddess with a knack for continually reinventing the art of liberation."
    Now make up ten more affirmations to add to these, Virgo.


    LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

    I predict that even those of you who are devout atheists and orthodox agnostics will have a brain-cleansing, heart-expanding, sphincter-relaxing religious experience this week -- though you might go through contortions trying to deny that's what it is. Just imagine what awaits you, then, if you already kinda sorta believe there's more to reality than what your five senses reveal to you. Let the divine mutation begin! Can you say Halle-freakin'-lujah?


    SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

    Before I become a geezer, I hope to eradicate all my "isms." I've made stunning progress at purging the sexism, racism, classism, and looksism I absorbed while growing up. I've still got a way to go with my ageism, egotism, and capitalism. And then there's signism, as in showing favoritism towards certain signs of the zodiac. I've worked hard to be absolutely impartial, but lately I've received e-mails from readers complaining that I'm way too soft on Scorpios. One Capricorn said my messages to you resembled "mushy love letters." All I can say in my defense is that I get turned on by anyone who devotes ingenious courage to dismantling their dogmas. Your sexy efforts in this regard have more than earned my mushy love letters. Please continue.


    SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

    What do you say we get drunk, stay up all night, and talk about our relationship, Sagittarius? Unless of course you're an alcoholic, in which case let's not get drunk. But in either case, let's definitely err on the side of playful poetry, not smarmy sincerity. Let's promise never to use the expressions "I'm feeling vulnerable" or "I hear what you're saying." Instead, let's communicate our true colors by finger-painting on the walls and singing our favorite songs at the top of our lungs. We can tell each other's fortunes, stage a burping or laughing contest, and make funny faces until we're so punchy and our defenses are so low that we spill all the priceless secrets that are aching to erupt. Any other ideas? Write and tell me at [email protected].


    CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

    What's the greatest lie in my life? Maybe the way I try to hide how sensitive I am to people's criticisms. Or maybe my tendency to pretend it doesn't bother me that my music has never gotten the attention I wish it had. And how about yourself, Capricorn? What's the most glaring dishonesty in your life? Whatever it is, I predict it'll soon crawl into your lap and demand that you change your relationship with it. Whatever you do, don't spit on it, ridicule it, or ignore it.


    AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

    I hope you're in the habit of remembering your dreams each morning. You had a really important one recently. In it, you were exploring the pleasures of chocolate-flavored toothpaste and a brand new aerobic workout that involved a tandem "sexercise bicycle." Here's my interpretation of the dream's meaning: In your waking life you're on the verge of finding ways to make self-discipline feel really good. One more thing, Aquarius. Do you recall that other dream you had, in which I gave a guinea pig a makeover before escorting it to its big audition? The guinea pig was a symbol for you.


    PISCES (Feb 19-March 20)

    I dare you to write a letter to the person you'll be one year from today. Tell this Future You that you've taken a sublime and exuberant vow to accomplish three amazing feats by then. Say why these feats are more important to you than anything else in your life. Describe them. Brainstorm about everything you'll do to make them happen. Draw pictures or compose collages that capture your excitement about them. Promise that you're ready, for their sake, to sign your passion on the bottom line. When you've finished this letter, mail it, along with a self-addressed stamped envelope to me at PO Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915. I'll mail it back to you in June of 2003.
  2. Rob is totally on a hangover...he also lost all his money...no prediction this week, just a dirty plan in order to collect and then sell pisces art...
  3. BIG T

    BIG T Member

    Joined: Sep 20, 2000 Messages: 976 Likes Received: 2
    damn thanks for the ideas Rob.... i was geeting bored of being the town drunk!
  4. Smart

    Smart Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 14, 2000 Messages: 17,017 Likes Received: 177
    this makes me a little uncomfortable... you know, I like Rob, but I don't "like" like him...
  5. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    smart and rob are sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.....;)

    get me outta work....
  6. beardo

    beardo Guest

    holla holla..

  7. --zeSto--

    --zeSto-- Guest

    "sexercise bicycle."

    oh ROB... please behave!
  8. A Fire Inside

    A Fire Inside Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 5, 2001 Messages: 1,836 Likes Received: 0
    I'm Straight Edge... but I see where he's coming from with this one. It actually really kind of somewhat makes sense to me this week.
    I have someone coming over tonight after I get off work, and well, I just see where he's coming from. Thanks Rob and Mental!
  9. platapie

    platapie Guest

    SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

    One Capricorn said my messages to you resembled "mushy love letters." All I can say in my defense is that I get turned on by anyone who devotes ingenious courage to dismantling their dogmas.

    who let the dogs out?!

  10. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
  11. EatMorGlue

    EatMorGlue Senior Member

    Joined: Dec 22, 2000 Messages: 1,919 Likes Received: 1
    damn... i don't believe in horoscopes at all (yet i check it anyways) but mine is so on point this week it's nuts.


    im glad i read this horse shit on a monday instead of infecting my brain w/ it on a friday.....
  13. TEE_rase_war

    TEE_rase_war Senior Member

    Joined: Dec 6, 2001 Messages: 1,717 Likes Received: 1
    that would tarnish all that is good on the weekend

  14. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    hahaha.......whats the matter heshie?

    dood your look on things fucking kills me.....kill em all and let god sort em out....


    word nigga, i live the fast life...yay to the dome like woah!