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let her die comfortably.

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by gfreshsushi, Feb 11, 2004.

  1. gfreshsushi

    gfreshsushi Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 21, 2003 Messages: 2,244 Likes Received: 1
    so i just got one of the worst phone calls of my life.

    my grandmother is in the hospital and probably won't make it to tomorrow. she has been recovering from pneumonia for about a week now, and it has caused congenetive heart failure. according to my dad, that translates into her heart being too weak to pump through her system, so it's backing up and her lungs are filling with her blood. she has been on a respirator for a few hours, and if her condition doesn't improve by tomorrow afternoon, they're just going to unplug the machines and "let her die comfortably."

    jesus, that sounds so fucked. let her die comfortably drowning in her own blood.

    my grandmother and grandfather (my father's parents) are the only grandparents i've ever had; my mom's parents died before i was born. my grandfather has developed alzheimer's and doesn't recognize his own children anymore, let alone grandchildren. the only person he still knows and can refer to by name is my grandmother. if she goes, statistically speaking, he won't be far behind.

    my grandparents are the entire reason i am who i am. they may not understand me or the way i've chosen to live my life, but they do their best to remember the names of the bands i'm in, where i'm working, what i've been up to, always being supportive of the decisions i make, even to the point of defending me to my parents. my parents were divorced when i was less than a month old. my grandfather asked my mom when we came to visit where she wanted to live. they had a few drinks, and she told him where, if money was no object, she wanted to live and raise my older sister and me. she got a phone call about a month later from my grandfather telling her to pack her bags. let me say this again: my grandparents bought my mother (their ex-daughter in law) a house because she couldn't afford one. this is the kind of selflessness i'm talking about. they decided at one point that my sister and i needed to see europe, so they took her for a month when she was sixteen, and when i was fifteen they paid for me to take a european bus tour. they have seventeen grandchildren and they did things like this for all of them.

    i spent about a month every summer with my grandparents when i was a kid. they have always lived in the same house, they have always had the same furniture, they have always been the same amazing people. no one is perfect, and neither are they. i'm not trying to paint a portrait of saints. but they have always been there.

    and now they might not be.

    now i wish i was stupid enough to believe in god. i could just tell myself she'll be in heaven soon, and that she'll be happy there. but that, even now, sounds like a bad after-school special explaining to children what happens to dogs that get hit by cars. she's 92 years old, by any civilization's standards she has done pretty fucking well making it this far. it's just hard because this hasn't been a gradual process like my grandfather. i talked to her on the phone about a month ago, and she was making fun of me, asking how many new tattoos i'd gotten since i saw her at my sister's wedding about a year ago, just generally giving me shit. she was still sharp, mobile, and together. and now she's dying.

    i'm not really concerned with people responding to this, it was more of a self-therapy kind of thing. it just feels good to type this out and read it and figure out what the fuck i'm going to do. i've never had anyone close to me die before, so i'm pretty fucked up about it. i can't decide if i want to go to sleep or spend all night staring at my phone, hoping and wishing for that phone call to come, telling me she's gonna be okay.

    sorry for rambling and writing way too much, i just felt like i needed to do this. sitting here on two stacked milk crates, waiting for her life to end just wasn't cutting it for me.

    gffresh/captain bringdown.
  2. fuck muni

    fuck muni Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 26, 2003 Messages: 1,089 Likes Received: 4
    yea my grandmas cool as fuck too...id be pissed if she died

    go give her lots of heroin before she dies...that how i wanna die comfortabley
  3. Dr. Dazzle

    Dr. Dazzle Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 19, 2001 Messages: 8,147 Likes Received: 3
    Jesus man that's horrible.....my sincere condolensces to you and your family.....
  4. rental

    rental Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 1, 2001 Messages: 7,641 Likes Received: 2

    that is so cute. to hear my grandmother have the name of a band i listen to come out of her mouth would make me laugh spastically. and to have someone that supportive of you sounds like a dream. im glad you have had that in your life.

    thats fucking awesome. shit. thats all i can say about that.

    they really sound like the image of grandparents that everyone has in their heads. the kind that would be on tv.

    you dont have to try and believe in something that you dont. i think everything blowing around in your head will sort of settle down and find the right place to be in after a while... which doesnt help your immediate emotional future any.

    i want to tell you to not spend your time just waiting for her to die because that sounds like the worst part of anything, but i dont know what else you could do. know that youve had something in your life that people spend their lives wanting.
  5. EyeforAnEYE

    EyeforAnEYE Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 29, 2003 Messages: 4,199 Likes Received: 3
    i'm sorry to hear that. It's hard to lose anyone really close to you. I just lost my grandmother in october. My condolences.
  6. effyoo

    effyoo Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 2, 2002 Messages: 4,703 Likes Received: 0
    okay. i've been in your exact situation before. My grandparents were the same backbone of my family also. my grandma had alzheimers. you know the outcome of the situation, no matter whether its sooner or later, it WILL happen.
    Just remember the fact that they were probably the best people you knew and try your best to honor their memory the best you can.

    My condolences.

  7. 26SidedCube

    26SidedCube Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 18, 2003 Messages: 6,590 Likes Received: 10
    ^Put a grin on my ugly mug.

    Hey, my thoughts go out to you. I've only lost
    my mother's father and a greatgrandma. My
    mom's dad I wasn't close with at all and was
    too young to know him, my Greatgranny I was
    pretty insanely close with and had lived with
    for a year... it's sad to watch someone deteriorate
    in front of your eyes, especially when it's someone
    who seemed like they'd always be around
    and were sharp right up to the end... but
    you just have to remember them as they
    were and remember the good they brought
    to your life and know that basically in the
    end that's all anyone can hope to accomplish,
    to have touched someone so that they live on...
    but I'm sure you know all this and I'm just
    being melancholy.. keep your head up man,
    they are and will always be exceptional people.
  8. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Sep 6, 2002 Messages: 14,905 Likes Received: 202
    Good luck to Gramma. Rental is right, you and everyone your grandparents are down with are very lucky people to have them in your lives. Everyone dies, and maybe the doctors are right when they say she will die comfortably. That kind of selflessness she has espoused has reserved her a parking spot close to the mall in Heaven, if you believe that sort of stuff. If not, whatever, everything your gp’s have done for you will be remembered. No doubt, let that be motivation for you. When you make it big, you can give them thanks times a million. My dad’s mom was a wonderful lady. I only got to see her a few times in my life, but I felt very comfortable with her, and you could just tell she was a softspoken, hardworking, sweet old lady. It was hard for me when my mom told me what she was like in her last days, suffering the way she was. Whenever I feel down or discouraged, I think of my grandparents and the other oldies in my family that have faith in my abilities to do well in life. :sniff:
  9. Fugazi

    Fugazi Senior Member

    Joined: Dec 17, 2001 Messages: 1,298 Likes Received: 1
    1. Gfresh; if your grandparents have been such a big influence on you, and who you are; why do you fear their death? You're old enough now to be able to survive on your own. And as you realize, they have made you who you are; and as along as you are living, they'll be intrinsicly linked to everything you do.

    2. If you don't believe in God, you should find some comfort in the fact that death is simply a cessation of electrical functioning in the brain. Similarly, the sadness you feel is only neurons interacting with eachother; there is no real loss happening in this situation, simply one less human for you to interact with. Your sadness is all in your mind. There are plenty of people around you who love you and who are still alive. Don't forget about them.
  10. old*824

    old*824 Senior Member

    Joined: Jun 8, 2003 Messages: 1,362 Likes Received: 0
    Jesus Saves. Your Grandmother is in Heaven.

    Gods a cool motherfucker. look that guy up sometime. he knows shit and stuff.
  11. old*824

    old*824 Senior Member

    Joined: Jun 8, 2003 Messages: 1,362 Likes Received: 0
    Shit and stuff was said metaphorically.

    GOD knows all. Dont front.

    My Grandfather took his life to spare his family. So that cat with LaCosaNostra as his name? I hope your Grandfather did the same..

    My Grandfather was in his 50's when he passed. my other grandfather was in his 30's when he passed.

    My Grandmothers are no one i woulda wanted to mess with as a youngster.

    But im Italian Irish Catholic. Belive, Jesus died for your sins and life is nothing more than a series of choices.