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Junk mail can be fun.

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by NOUM, Jul 16, 2003.

  1. NOUM

    NOUM Elite Member

    Joined: Mar 17, 2003 Messages: 3,966 Likes Received: 0
    My junk mail updates.

    Mini Skirt

    In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

    Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.

    And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

    About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

    Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! "

    At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
  2. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    when it has an email address to reply to i sign them up on a bunch of mailing lists
  3. yoink

    yoink Elite Member

    Joined: May 27, 2002 Messages: 3,428 Likes Received: 0
    yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. amusing , hotmail can eat a mountain of elephant dung for all I care, I daily get like 30 spam-mails. Its sickening.
    But it is free, so I put up with it. obviouslly.
  4. NOUM

    NOUM Elite Member

    Joined: Mar 17, 2003 Messages: 3,966 Likes Received: 0
    It has a whole lot more funny shit on it but i thought that was the funniest.
  5. i11igul

    i11igul Senior Member

    Joined: Jun 5, 2003 Messages: 1,810 Likes Received: 0
    that shit was pretty funny but its all about the free teaser porn i get about 40 times a day
  6. kido

    kido Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 16, 2002 Messages: 1,463 Likes Received: 0
    hahahaa I thought that was funny up until the punch-line
  7. mogilny

    mogilny Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 22, 2003 Messages: 1,582 Likes Received: 0
  8. krie

    krie Guest

    so im not the only who does this :lol:
    that jokes pretty cool too
  9. ~KRYLON2~

    ~KRYLON2~ 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 13, 2001 Messages: 10,493 Likes Received: 211
    awwwwwwww shitttttttt
  10. AORAone

    AORAone Veteran Member

    Joined: Feb 7, 2003 Messages: 6,460 Likes Received: 32
    :lol: :lol: :lol: bump
  11. WrIot

    WrIot Senior Member

    Joined: Dec 2, 2002 Messages: 1,045 Likes Received: 0
  12. Born Loser

    Born Loser New Jack

    Joined: Sep 14, 2001 Messages: 63 Likes Received: 0
    hahaha..I'm gonna try that
  13. Daze One Million

    Daze One Million Elite Member

    Joined: Jun 12, 2001 Messages: 3,804 Likes Received: 0
    damn i get wack junkmail, like teen news letter and someother fuckin bullshit bout penis enlargment..never jokes though
  14. SteveAustin

    SteveAustin Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 12, 2002 Messages: 7,042 Likes Received: 2
    when I get junk snail mail...I open them all up and put all the over junk mail in other junk mail people's return envelopes. see how they like it when they get junk mail.
  15. NOUM

    NOUM Elite Member

    Joined: Mar 17, 2003 Messages: 3,966 Likes Received: 0
    This is kind of long but it's worth it.

    The Best Break-Up Ever (Most entertaining night of my life)

    The back story: Two days ago, my roommate and best friend (We'll call him Dan) and I got home and found the doors both locked and his television missing from his bedroom. His girlfriend (another paying roommate, and a passive aggressive bitch I can't stand) was gone, and her room was locked. We figured we'd wait for her to get home and ask her if she saw anyone with Dan's TV. She didn't show up.

    Fast forward to today, 6 hours ago. Dan and I are hanging out with some friends and one of them asks if he knew his girlfriend was cheating on him.

    "What the fuck do you mean?"
    "She's cheating on you with Steve X. I saw them making out at Mark's party last night."
    "Fuck you."
    "I swear to God."

    It went on like this for a few minutes, until he realized he was arguing with the wrong person about this. We left for home, in order to strategize and possibly find out what the hell was going on from our other roommate. When we got home, we found the door unlocked and the lights on upstairs.

    The girlfriend had come home.

    Dan stormed up the stairs, with me tailing close behind - to hell with minding my own business, I wouldn't miss this for all the rice in China. He barges into her room and asks "What the hell's going on" in an agitated voice. His girlfriend just gives him a blank stare and says she was at her friend's house for a few days - bullshit, said friend is out of town. He rails on for a few more minutes and then notices a slip of paper on her dresser.

    It's a pawn slip. For a 27" Television. Holy shit.

    Then he notices the name on the slip. Steven X. Holy shit. At that moment, he snapped. He immediately launched into a stream of profane screaming, the likes of which I doubt I'll hear again if I live to be a hundred years old. He somehow strung together obscenities in new, provocative ways that were a joy to behold, and he made up several new words in the process. It was almost musical.

    Dan was *pissed*. And rightly so. After about 2 minutes of the happy couple screaming each other, he left the room in mid-'fuckingslut'. A few minutes later, I decided to go and see what he was doing, but right then he came charging back into the room with a warm 2-liter Mountain Dew bottle and resumed his tirade against his (now ex)girlfriend.

    Again, Dan launched into a wonderful prose-like bout of obscenity which I won't even try to recapture here. His twisting, turning siren song of profanities made me proud to be an American, if only for a fleeting moment. I could have cried, were I not laughing so hard. Then came something totally unexpected, he stopped swearing. He stepped towards the alleged slut and looked for a second like he was wondering what to do.

    Then he started pouring his Mountain Dew all over everything, laughing hysterically. His Girlfriend (her clothes, her hair - she was drenched), her bed, her XBox, her TV (which had been on this whole time and now made a loud popping sound as the picture faded to black for the last time) - all got a taste of yellow death. He then opened her dresser drawers and started pouring the liquid all over all of her clothes, to leave her nothing to change into. At this point I had stopped laughing and now held a look of pure awe on my face for Dan - now a hero in my eyes - who must have hardened steel balls the size of medium-sized watermelons.

    His girlfriend was screaming bloody murder.
    "What the hell are you laughing at?"

    At this point, the shock had worn off and I resumed laughing as before. And then I noticed there was another, more pungent, odor underneath the fried electronics smell from the burned out television. Before I could identify it, Dan ran out of Mountain Dew and looked like he was going to going to keel over and go into cardiac arrest from laughing.

    "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT??? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?" queried his lady friend demurely.

    His girlfriend dropped to her knees screaming in shock, clawing at her face and hair like she'd just been doused with acid. This was more than I could stand. I fell over onto my side with tears streaming down my face - laughing so hard that it felt like my liver had imploded. His girlfriend ran downstairs to try to call her friend to pick her up, not realizing that her friend was still out of town. When she finally managed to get a hold of another friend, that friend was too busy to come by with a change of clothes, so she had to go to the nearest store that sold clothing (a soccer apparel store 6 blocks away) in urine-soaked clothes and 30-degree windy weather to buy a change of pants and shirt.

    When she got back, she decided to try for payback. She went upstairs and tried to open Dan's room - locked. She tried her key. No dice. He had changed the lock the day before because of having his TV stolen, and hadn't had time to give her a spare. Seeing that there wasn't anything she could do to get Dan back at the moment, she stormed out of the house about two hours ago, and we haven't seen or heard from her since.

    This was perhaps the most entertaining afternoon of my life, ever. It's all downhill from here.