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Jimmy Gets A Pimp Chalice

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by <KEY3>, Apr 27, 2005.

  1. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2


    I don't normally hang out with celebrities after the show (their choice, not mine), but it happens once in a while. Recently, my childhood friend Tommy was in town with his father, who is also named Tommy and looks exactly like his son. There was a knock at the door. Someone said our musical guest that night, the rapper Lil Jon, wanted to bring me a gift. He is black, so naturally I welcomed him with open arms.

    Lil Jon gallantly walked in wearing what I think may have been a mink pirate costume. Here was one of hip-hop's leading Lils, with a mouth full of gold teeth and an attractive, nearly nude girl of undetermined ethnicity on each arm. He gave me a "Here I am" kind of look.

    I immediately began to worry that this was my "gift"—that I was being presented with a young lady of my own, with whom, because of my eagerness to show I am not racist, I would have had no choice but to have unprotected sex. I knew that I would do this just to please Lil Jon—even if it meant fucking in front of 63-year-old Tommy Sr.—and I also knew that that this woman (or, possibly, these women) would almost certainly become pregnant, possibly with twins.

    Jon (as I now call him) handed me a big black velvet bag. Inside was a collection of porn DVDs. I thanked him for these and politely noted that the women on the packaging were indeed the same women in the room. I did this by pointing at them and saying, "Oh, hey—that's you guys! Wow! That's really great!" And then Jon gave me the real gift: The best blow job I ever had in my life. Just kidding. It was my very own chalice. A gold (plastic, painted gold) chalice—encrusted with diamonds (fake plastic diamonds) that spelled out my name: "JIMMY."

    I've never had my own chalice before. I was delighted both by the gift and by the (albeit slight) possibility that Lil Jon himself sat at home gluing little plastic letters onto this thing to spell my name.

    I thanked him for the chalice and didn't even have to pretend to be excited. I was.

    And then Lil Jon commanded the women to get naked and plop down on my friend Tommy's dad's lap. I know this sounds like a great thing, but we were all really embarrassed and anxious because we are old white people and that kind of stuff makes us uncomfortable.

    Anyway, all I know is I own a fucking chalice. Do you own a fucking chalice? No, you do not.


    stolen from viceland.com

    Jimmy Kimmel is just too funny!
  2. CACashRefund

    CACashRefund 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 8, 2004 Messages: 14,171 Likes Received: 272
    Jimmy Kimmel is the man, after him the man show as never the same...
  3. Gat Bush

    Gat Bush Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 23, 2003 Messages: 9,817 Likes Received: 130
    i want a chalice
  4. Hermdog

    Hermdog Elite Member

    Joined: Nov 6, 2003 Messages: 4,504 Likes Received: 9
    Lil' John is still riding that last 15th minute...I give him props for that...

    When VH1 does the 00's I'm sure they will poke fun at him...but I tell ya he does his thing

    (edit) repetitiive comment
  5. mackfatsoe

    mackfatsoe Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 8, 2004 Messages: 6,532 Likes Received: 168
    He's actually funnier than I expected.

    Hmm, is his late night show good? I'm a Conan fan, so I never even gave Jimmy a chance.
  6. Willy Biggs

    Willy Biggs New Jack

    Joined: Jan 12, 2005 Messages: 20 Likes Received: 0
    i like michael jackson's #1 fan. that dude is crazy funny.

    its alright because when conan ends theres still like an hour of kimmel.
  7. Willy Biggs

    Willy Biggs New Jack

    Joined: Jan 12, 2005 Messages: 20 Likes Received: 0
  8. JohnnyHorton

    JohnnyHorton Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 2, 2002 Messages: 2,201 Likes Received: 0
    don't give up conan for it, thats for damn sure
    conan > kimmel
  9. CACashRefund

    CACashRefund 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 8, 2004 Messages: 14,171 Likes Received: 272
    Yeah, conan blows kimmel out of the water.
  10. CamAlmighty

    CamAlmighty Senior Member

    Joined: Jun 25, 2003 Messages: 1,070 Likes Received: 0
  11. Neskoner

    Neskoner New Jack

    Joined: Jan 6, 2003 Messages: 0 Likes Received: 1
    all i have to say is..YEEAAAHHHHH.
  12. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2
    I've been thinking about making a chalice for some time.... and now I'm determined to do it!
  13. Tough Love

    Tough Love Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 10, 2004 Messages: 1,894 Likes Received: 2
    kimmel for president
  14. boogie hands

    boogie hands 12oz Legend

    Joined: Feb 15, 2001 Messages: 16,059 Likes Received: 13

    crunk juice is amazing....this is the most fun ive had "being ironic" in a while.
  15. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30