Jimmy Gets A Pimp Chalice

I don't normally hang out with celebrities after the show (their choice, not mine), but it happens once in a while. Recently, my childhood friend Tommy was in town with his father, who is also named Tommy and looks exactly like his son. There was a knock at the door. Someone said our musical guest that night, the rapper Lil Jon, wanted to bring me a gift. He is black, so naturally I welcomed him with open arms.

Lil Jon gallantly walked in wearing what I think may have been a mink pirate costume. Here was one of hip-hop's leading Lils, with a mouth full of gold teeth and an attractive, nearly nude girl of undetermined ethnicity on each arm. He gave me a "Here I am" kind of look.

I immediately began to worry that this was my "gift"—that I was being presented with a young lady of my own, with whom, because of my eagerness to show I am not racist, I would have had no choice but to have unprotected sex. I knew that I would do this just to please Lil Jon—even if it meant fucking in front of 63-year-old Tommy Sr.—and I also knew that that this woman (or, possibly, these women) would almost certainly become pregnant, possibly with twins.

Jon (as I now call him) handed me a big black velvet bag. Inside was a collection of porn DVDs. I thanked him for these and politely noted that the women on the packaging were indeed the same women in the room. I did this by pointing at them and saying, "Oh, hey—that's you guys! Wow! That's really great!" And then Jon gave me the real gift: The best blow job I ever had in my life. Just kidding. It was my very own chalice. A gold (plastic, painted gold) chalice—encrusted with diamonds (fake plastic diamonds) that spelled out my name: "JIMMY."

I've never had my own chalice before. I was delighted both by the gift and by the (albeit slight) possibility that Lil Jon himself sat at home gluing little plastic letters onto this thing to spell my name.

I thanked him for the chalice and didn't even have to pretend to be excited. I was.

And then Lil Jon commanded the women to get naked and plop down on my friend Tommy's dad's lap. I know this sounds like a great thing, but we were all really embarrassed and anxious because we are old white people and that kind of stuff makes us uncomfortable.

Anyway, all I know is I own a fucking chalice. Do you own a fucking chalice? No, you do not.

JIMMY KIMMEL

stolen from viceland.com

Jimmy Kimmel is just too funny!

Jimmy Kimmel is the man, after him the man show as never the same...

i want a chalice

Lil' John is still riding that last 15th minute...I give him props for that...

When VH1 does the 00's I'm sure they will poke fun at him...but I tell ya he does his thing

(edit) repetitiive comment

He's actually funnier than I expected.

Hmm, is his late night show good? I'm a Conan fan, so I never even gave Jimmy a chance.

i like michael jackson's #1 fan. that dude is crazy funny.

its alright because when conan ends theres still like an hour of kimmel.

Originally posted by mackfatsoe@Apr 27 2005, 08:31 PM

He's actually funnier than I expected.

 

Hmm, is his late night show good? I'm a Conan fan, so I never even gave Jimmy a chance.

Quoted post

don't give up conan for it, thats for damn sure

conan > kimmel

Yeah, conan blows kimmel out of the water.

Originally posted by Gat:Bush@Apr 27 2005, 07:18 PM

i want a chalice

Quoted post

all i have to say is..YEEAAAHHHHH.

I've been thinking about making a chalice for some time.... and now I'm determined to do it!

kimmel for president

"YALL NIGGAS CANT FUCK WITH MY NIGGAS, HO! (<that doesnt make any sense) YALL NIGGAS CANT FUCK WITH MY NIGGAS, HO! MUTHA FUCK THAT NIGGA! MUTHA FUCK THAT BITCH!! MUTHA FUCK THAT NIGGA! MUTHA FUCK THAT BITCH!!"

crunk juice is amazing....this is the most fun ive had "being ironic" in a while.