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Jesus and the Tards

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Colt, Feb 19, 2002.

  1. Colt

    Colt Junior Member

    Joined: Apr 26, 2001 Messages: 202 Likes Received: 0
    A Friend of mine wrote this, and how could I not share it with the fine people at 12oz!


    In the last few days, a certain question has been popping up frequently in the flashcard sequence of psychosis called my inner monologue. In Christianity, are retards still retarded when they go to heaven?

    Dogma may argue that since the retarded have no souls, it is impossible for them to go to heaven in the first place and they will be trapped in purgatory for the rest of eternity. For the purposes of this text we'll assume that god is more forgiving of those born against his will. I for one, hope that the retarded aren't still retarded in the kingdom of heaven, because will have invariably fucked it up for the rest of us. Ever since social Darwinism was halted by advocacy groups sometime in the early seventies, the 'tards have been screwing it up for the rest of us. Their employment at fast food restaurants, their presence in entertainment and media (see: life goes on), and the general dark tint their existence veils over the glowing light of modern life. Is it not then safe to assume that the presence of the retarded in heaven would have serious repercussions?

    Imagine, you're kicking back in heaven, enjoying yourself, then a short bus flips on the interstate somewhere in Kansas, a split second later you've got a whole heard of window lickers barreling through the gates giggling and tripping over each other, completely killing the mellow vibe. Given the current population divided by a rough estimate of how much of the population is retarded, I figure the pearly gates are littered with a constant parade of 'tards.

    Now on the other hand, if the retarded are no longer retarded when the get to heaven, that too has consequences. Assuming the moment they die, they become instantly lucid, they'd behave in a manner not unlike a blind man seeing for the first time. Every ten seconds, you'd have some tard poking you on the shoulder trying to figure out what everything is for the first time. "How does a car work?", "How are babies made?", "What's the difference between a fork and a spork?", imagine being trapped in a daycare center for underprivileged children for the rest of time. Also, we must consider the possibility that being a 'tard could be insanely entertaining. Perhaps it's like being on thirty hits of acid and four bottles of Nyquil ALL THE TIME!. You'd be entertained for days with a ball of tinfoil, you'd never have to work, pay taxes, wipe your own ass, etc. With this in mind, do we really want to take the bliss of idiocy away from the tards? No, then can we really let them be eternal buzz kills up in heaven? No. The only solution I can concoct would be an organized effort to seduce the retarded of the world into a life of unimaginable sin. Their brains already have the retention capability of silly putty in a bread maker; it wouldn't be that hard to implant them with new morality. This course of action is also a viable alternative for getting rid of the elderly, the subjects of my next article: "Cancers of Youth: The Elderly".

    (origonaly written by Lucid)

  2. bug

    bug Guest

    Boogie Hands
  3. Zack Morris

    Zack Morris Veteran Member

    Joined: Jun 23, 2001 Messages: 9,728 Likes Received: 4
    you made my day...retards makeme laugh...my proudest moment at my last job was watching a tard flip over his wheel chair and go spilling into the floor screaming.
  4. ASER1NE

    ASER1NE Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 15, 2001 Messages: 7,578 Likes Received: 3
  5. whiteboy 516

    whiteboy 516 Junior Member

    Joined: Feb 18, 2002 Messages: 219 Likes Received: 0
    HAHA..............THAT IS VERY "pc" MAN...
  6. T.T Boy

    T.T Boy Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 18, 2001 Messages: 21,803 Likes Received: 41

    ahahahhahahha you never fail to make m elaugh
  7. Colt

    Colt Junior Member

    Joined: Apr 26, 2001 Messages: 202 Likes Received: 0
    Thats classic!

  8. ASER1NE

    ASER1NE Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 15, 2001 Messages: 7,578 Likes Received: 3
    laughing at retards is morally wrong , however i find myself not being able to contain it very often........
  9. willy.wonka

    willy.wonka Guest

    well i didnt read all of it...sounds retarded

    but "retarded" people seem to have more soul than i do....
    everybody bashes on retards...when your new born baby can come out the same way....
  10. War

    War New Jack

    Joined: Apr 26, 2001 Messages: 3 Likes Received: 0
    what about babies...like if u die when ur still wearing dypers is there sombody in heven to change them?
  11. Rhubarb

    Rhubarb New Jack

    Joined: Nov 27, 2001 Messages: 63 Likes Received: 1
    it's only morally wrong if it is within your morals. for the rest of us we can laugh all we want.
  12. patrickjilbert

    patrickjilbert Member

    Joined: Sep 7, 2001 Messages: 563 Likes Received: 0

    the tragedy is not the retardation itself, but the bad names parents give their retarded kids. ever notice how every retarded girl is named tammy?

    i feel bad for retarded kids, honestly. but it is an interesting thread we have here.
  13. Iris

    Iris Banned

    Joined: Sep 2, 2001 Messages: 888 Likes Received: 1
    i have a retard fan club. three little "special" kids that work next door to me come over and say hi to me and they once bought me flowers.

    is it legal to marry a retard?
  14. Big Bruno

    Big Bruno Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 8, 2001 Messages: 2,472 Likes Received: 70
    retards marry each other all the time but i dont know about one of us 'real' people marrying one...
  15. Iris

    Iris Banned

    Joined: Sep 2, 2001 Messages: 888 Likes Received: 1

    eep! i didn't mean marry one myself.