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if i were good with words i wouldnt be in this Uber difficult conundrum.

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by iloveboxcars, Jun 5, 2003.

  1. iloveboxcars

    iloveboxcars 12oz Royalty

    Joined: Jul 29, 2002 Messages: 20,506 Likes Received: 450
    if i were good with words i wouldnt be in this difficult conundrum.

    i sent this to my friend when i was bored and had nothing to do. she says its pretty good. keep in mind i wasnt worried about grammatical errors.

    have fun, tell me what you think.

    he walked away because you were being freaking dumb and he wanted to destroy the bond you two once had by never EVER EVER EVER EVER talking to you again. but he couldnt resist, something about those awkward hips and those luscious lips taking slow sips from a glass of .... something... made him return. he always blamed it on enrico caruso's "Vesti La Giubba." he loved opera and riverdance. you never would go with him because you were too into your postal service and portishead. he despised every move you made. he hated when you smiled at him. he hated when you wore "low rise" or "no rise" jeans because you showed a little too much of those awkward hips i mentioned earlier, and he liked them. he always talked of glass shattering love when he spoke of you. i have no fucking idea what that means, but thats how he described it. he use to walk around with a marker and put "(his name) and jeanette 4 eva" inside a heart. usually on trees. he didnt care for nature. he actually shot birds on a regular basis and just left them there to decompose. "stupid little noise makers" he would say. and he meant it. he meant every word he ever said, but he would tell you he didnt later so you two could fake your love for each other once again. At least thats how he felt. he really did and does love you. but he also believes money has sex appeal. even with its not quite hour glass frame. he always admired your body but never wanted to tell you. one time when you slept he kissed the back of your knees. he doesnt expect you to understand, but in that moment he was at the height of his love for you. his love did dwindle though, when you went off to other shores, he slipped up once and called you whores. he never quite grasped the concept of singular and plural. he did grasp most of stephen hawkings theories though, and not many people can do that. well, they could.. but not at the level at which he believed he could grasp them. he's been sleeping on a hillside, a desolate hillside, and he was desperate. desperate for whatever you had to offer, love hate sadness. he knows so much about these things already from your previous encounters. he winks at you when your head is turned. he contemplated kissing your toilet seat once. that thought left his head just as soon as it had come though right when he saw his urine splatter on it. he would frequently listen to the smiths "girlfriend in a coma" especially at the part where morrissey sang "there were times when i could have murdered her, but you know, i would hate anything to happen to her."

    he loved you. he loves you. he hated you. and he still does. he told me to tell you all of this while i watched him swinging. he told me if i tried to get him down he would kill me. i believed him. he told me he thinks rope burns are sexy, and he hopes you think so as well. he asked me to mention the possibility of you kissing his soft dry lips when you find him in that tree. one last go before its too late. he said you would understand, because you understand alot.. he also said you might be faking it though. with his last breath he told me to tell thomas jefferson to go fuck himself. thomas jefferson isnt even alive anymore so i think he was just getting delirious from the lack of oxygen. but i went ahead and laid a note on top of thomas jeffersons grave any way with those exact words written in blood. the dead can only read what's written in blood. this whole message still tastes of failure, goodbye his love.
  2. $360

    $360 Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 2, 2002 Messages: 2,600 Likes Received: 1
    Re: if i were good with words i wouldnt be in this difficult conundrum.

    this is tight.is it the begining or is it part of something bigger?
  3. destroya

    destroya Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 30, 2002 Messages: 1,714 Likes Received: 2
    when my mood starts to swing my fists follow.
  4. iloveboxcars

    iloveboxcars 12oz Royalty

    Joined: Jul 29, 2002 Messages: 20,506 Likes Received: 450
    well it could be the beginning of something. but i dont know. i might just leave it like that.
  5. $360

    $360 Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 2, 2002 Messages: 2,600 Likes Received: 1
    its a good passage for sure. the thing is that youre spelled out a pretty interesting and complex character, you should write more about him. thats what kept my attention the best
  6. iloveboxcars

    iloveboxcars 12oz Royalty

    Joined: Jul 29, 2002 Messages: 20,506 Likes Received: 450
  7. XxSugarxX

    XxSugarxX Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Dec 25, 2002 Messages: 897 Likes Received: 0
    i sat here and read all of it, and it's a really solid piece you've written, good job.

    i like the depth of the main character, and it sounds kinda cheezy, but it sorta made me wanna cry because of that lost love (maybe because i cry all the time?).. anyways, it's really good, you should consider writing a short story about it because you have a gift senor boxcars..

  8. Daze One Million

    Daze One Million Elite Member

    Joined: Jun 12, 2001 Messages: 3,804 Likes Received: 0
    dear iloveboxcars,

    bump for your thread so more heads may potentially
    post a reply

    yours, daze one milli
  9. krie

    krie Guest

    i just farted

    and it stinksssssss!
  10. alure

    alure Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Oct 18, 2002 Messages: 4,700 Likes Received: 17
    thanks for sharing. rawr
  11. boxcarwilly

    boxcarwilly Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 8, 2000 Messages: 1,288 Likes Received: 0
    that name is on my neck......... goddamn you boxcar....
  12. RubbeRBand

    RubbeRBand Member

    Joined: Oct 14, 2003 Messages: 525 Likes Received: 0
    You know what I'd like to see more of. More stability a base to build up from. I feel like you have a pretty nice control of the language, but some of these words just feel thrown into to make it flow nicer. "Postal Service and Portishead" again you have a real nice control of the language, you should write.
  13. CIPHER_one

    CIPHER_one Senior Member

    Joined: Jul 3, 2000 Messages: 2,300 Likes Received: 0
    It started off really really good, and slowly felt a bit more forced near the end, although still pretty good. I wouldn't add to it though. If you kept up this style of language for several pages it might get unbearable...which isn't to say that its annyoing, but anything more than a page or so using it, makes it annoying.

    I could go a bit more in depth if you'd like...but I just woke up.

    I really dig it though.

    what's your email address?
  14. iloveboxcars

    iloveboxcars 12oz Royalty

    Joined: Jul 29, 2002 Messages: 20,506 Likes Received: 450