i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.....ROB

......i want you to notice, when im not around....

youre so fucking special........i wish i was special.......

roe, needs a break.......a long fucking break.....from it all...i guess a weekend will have to suffice.....

Free Will Astrology

horoscopes for week of November 13, 2003

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The latest movie from Aries filmmaker Quentin Tarantino received mixed reviews. Commenting on "Kill Bill," Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper raved, "It's amazing. Brilliant and stylized! Tarantino is at the top of his form." On the other hand, critic Mick LaSalle had this to say: "If this recycled, derivative nonsense is all this once-promising director has to offer after six years, it's sad." I predict you will provoke a similar range of reactions in the coming week, Aries. It's probably best if you don't put too much stock in either the people who regard you as a genius or those who think you're a crank. Just be satisfied to believe in yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

"Consumer brands are the new religion," reports "The Financial Times." "People turn to them for meaning." The evidence? Instead of attending church on Sunday, many of the faithful swarm to Ikea. Countless couples exchange their marital vows at Disneyland. Bikers are buried in coffins bearing Harley-Davidson logos. Don't tell me you haven't been infected with this faux religion, Taurus; we all have. But I'm happy to announce that it's a perfect astrological moment for blasphemy and dissent. Renounce your worshipful attachment to brand names and products that are sapping your spiritual juice! Break the hold of your addiction NOW! Just say NO to false gods!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I have just finished skimming Hiroyuki Nishigaki's surprising book How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? Though I haven't had a chance to try out his simple and revolutionary approach to mental health, I feel confident about recommending it to you. It's time to take drastic, perhaps unconventional measures to disperse the funky moods that have plagued you recently. Regular butt-squeezing may be able to accomplish what no other therapy can. As one satisfied reader testified after achieving miracles with this technique: "Free your ass and your mind will follow."

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Can you find a sensitive saint who'll cater to your desires for a whole day? Someone who is knowledgeable about what gives you pleasure, who would listen with supple curiosity to your stories, who would sing you songs and read you poems and describe to you in lyrical detail all your wonderful qualities? In other words, Cancerian, can you enlist the devotion of a love genius who would regard being of service to you as a holy privilege? The planets have rarely been better aligned for such a possibility. The entire universe is yearning to be more demonstrative in showing its love for you.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

The bumblebee seems to be aerodynamically unsound. Its body weight appears too great for its wingspan. Indeed, if it were as big as an airplane, it would never get off the ground. Fortunately, it knows nothing of the laws of physics as they apply to machines, and therefore never suffers from self-doubt as it soars and darts. I suggest you make this creature your power animal in the coming weeks. You will need to accomplish small wonders that there are no theories to account for.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

My reading of your astrological omens suggests that you are now standing before three doors. The word "scapegoat" is written on door number one. "Chameleon" is on door two and "weaver" on door three. What you do in the next six days will determine whether you'll ultimately have a choice about which door you open. If you do succeed in winning that privilege, I advise you to pick the "weaver" door sometime after November 22. Selecting the "chameleon" door wouldn't be terrible, but it wouldn't be half as stimulating.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Recently I received a letter with testimony you might find helpful. "Hello, my name is Randall Xavier Ludwick," it began. "I am inspector number 23 for the Federal Commission on Amusement Park Safety. My main responsibility is to ensure that all 'You Must Be This Tall To Go on This Ride' signs are up to code. It's the perfect job for a major Libra like me. Since I can never make up my mind if left to my own devices, I decided to pursue a career that has rigid boundaries and also appeals to my sense of justice." Mr. Ludwick's approach to his indecisiveness might be worth imitating in the coming weeks, dear Libra. I suggest you put yourself in positions where you must adhere to crisply defined limits and rules. (Thanks to Edgar Roberts for introducing me to Mr. Ludwick.)

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

You are fresh, radical, and as free as you've ever been. Only the ripest truths interest you. No pretty lies can trick you and no super-hyped trivia can distract you. I believe you're ready, therefore, to commune with the axioms of healing chaos, lifted from the Whores of Goddess Scientists website. Here's a sample. You are the hidden God. Wake up in the dream. Read between the lies. To question is the answer. The frontline is everywhere. There are no innocent bystanders. Truth is a three-edged sword. Practice infinite tolerance except for intolerance. Achieve strength through joy. Embrace your shadow. Change is stability. Creation never ends. Everything is verb. The way in is the way out. All things fornicate all the time. The going is the goal. Today is the day!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Walk into the hills or woods and find a large rock jutting up out of the earth in a place that makes you feel at home. Sit down on or next to that rock and let go of the tightly wound emotions you've been holding onto. Sob or sigh or babble until you achieve a spiritual orgasm that will clear your mind of all its gunk and free you to make the decision you've been postponing. Ever hereafter you will call this the Crying Rock, and you will go there whenever you need the kind of release that only a beloved natural power spot can facilitate.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

If a friend or companion is pregnant, buy her some lingerie. If people close to you are depressed, take them to a karaoke bar and insist that they sing in public. If you're feeling cautious and superstitious, book a flight to an island paradise or learn to ride a motorcycle. If you're afraid you're running out of good ideas, start writing a booklet entitled, "My Inexhaustible Supply of Good Ideas." Are you catching my drift, Capricorn? To capitalize on the odd opportunities fate will bring you this week, you should definitely not go with the flow.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Many of you feel that you're only truly yourself if others see you as you want to be seen. But this week I suggest you try out a different perspective. It's hinted at by Suzan-Lori Parks in her play "Topdog/ Underdog": "Yr only yrself when no one's watching." Who are you when you're alone, Aquarius? Turn off your awareness of what everyone thinks about you. Listen only to the clues arising from your silent depths.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Back in the days when I could afford employees, one of them dreamed up a witty ad campaign for my expanded audio horoscopes. The headline was "Rob Brezsny's astrological advice is like Viagra for the soul!" A week after the first ads appeared, I got a letter from the lawyers of the pharmaceutical company that manufactures the real Viagra. "Cease and desist using our trademarked brand name," it said, "or we will sue your ass." (I'm paraphrasing.) My campaign came to a dead stop, and I vowed never again to borrow a corporate fetish for my own marketing purposes. Carefully, then, I make the following announcement: What life brings you in the coming weeks will be like Viagra for your soul.

"Free your ass and your mind will follow."

- i dont even know what to say about mine......

already on it, rob

and its looking like ill be back in nyc for the next few days, mental. should you be in the area..

i dont have time for this.im going to target.

really beards???

should i call your fem fatale??

i needed that.

gracias por todo.

dam you tearz! and your lingusiticual fortitude!!

Soul boner!!!!!!

yeah man

actually, email me your number again. this bonehead mailed off his cpu with his ph#s still trapped inside........

hahaha....

-------------------------------Onionscope

Aries: (March 21—April 19)

You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)

Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)

You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)

Before you grow facial hair, consider the various styles, the level of maintenance required, and the prophecy that you'll die when your beard gets caught in a table saw.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)

Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)

If you, like many Virgos, are a gambler, the stars advise you to bet on the army of horned demons and take the points.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)

In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)

You will wake from a sound sleep shaking and weeping, struck by the sudden revelation that you need a new vacuum cleaner.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)

Fire and Earth magicks are strong in Sagittarius this month, which may or may not be a bad sign for your upcoming monster-truck show.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)

Cold winds will roll in at the end of the week, putting an end to this unseasonably warm spell of weather and making the loss of your arms that much harder to endure.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)

The Académie Française will rule that your name is never to be spoken within France's borders.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)

You've always had trouble controlling your base impulses, but they do lead you to have fun and experience cool things.

the o'scope for aquaman is strangely relevant

as my name is a variation on a Frence territory and a noble lineage.

Looks like the revolution got the best of me.

You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.

hahaha....

there ain't no woods round here.

*believe*

...but Im a creep!

....werd......

big ups rob brezny!

Originally posted by Tesseract

Soul boner!!!!!!

Spiritual tent-pitching!!!!!!

and damn, i can use some of that