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I Just Got Paid

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by GucciCondom, Oct 25, 2004.

  1. GucciCondom

    GucciCondom Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 29, 2003 Messages: 5,558 Likes Received: 168
    Ok so my boy hits me up like "Yo you wanna make 20 bucks?" So he tells me to write him a retarded ass story about whatever the fuck I want and it doesn't have to make sense since his teacher is a burnout. I asked him if I could write it about Herman Balboa and the Gucci Condom Scheme. He approved.

    And without further ado, I present to you, the most retarded story ever that someone actually paid $20 for.

    Nah man it gets better. Just picture a teacher reading this,

    Herman Balboa and the Gucci Scheme

    Herman Balboa was a wild character. He grew up in the Queensbridge Projects in New York. He lived there all his life. At about the age of 12 Herman decided that he wanted to be a transvestite. After about 8 years he decided that he was tired of thongs chafing his buttox.Over the following years he started killing people for peanut butter sandwiches just to survive. Herman was not a rich man, which brings us to the tale of Herman and the Gucci scheme.

    In about '92 Herman was dating this fly honey named Funglow Beanstriker the Third a.k.a Sock. Now, in Herman's mind, this was the sexiest female he had ever encountered. He knew he was lucky to own such a fine piece of meat. He really liked to video tape his intimate situations with Funglow. This went on for about 2 years until Funglow turned into a fashion junky and turned him down one night. Funglow stated with intense furiosity "Herman! I will not get in bed with you anymore until you are sporting a Gucci Platinum Edition Re-Usable Neo-Fiber condom!" It was these few words that sent Herman into a downward spiral of crack selling and robbing abortion clinics.

    Herman knew that he did not have the $400,000 to cover the price tag of a Gucci condom. He knew that he could not risk losing his beloved Funglow, so actions were taken. He sat down and brainstormed a list of things in which he could get up the sum to cover this ticket to the promise land. He figured that if he knocked off a few abortion clinics and sold the fetuses on Ebay he would have most of the money. To cover the other half, Herman decided he would get his youngins' to hustle some rock for him.

    For the first month it was gravy, he robbed two clinics and he was selling so much rock that he would have to re-up atleast 4 times a day. He had just about enough money by this time but needed to pull off one more robbery. This was no easy task, as it was at the Scrilla Abortion Clinic of the Gold Front Mafia. Now, he knew this would be hard so he saved it for last, but he failed to estimate just how hard it would be.

    He figured that he would just case it one night and hit it the next. When he got to the scene he saw that there were armed guards with ak-47s and teleporter transformation devices. Once spotted, he would be tortured and thrown into an incinerator. After checking out the surroundings for about an hour he knew that he was not going to be able to enter on foot, but rather with a jet pack.

    Herman went out to the dollar store and copped himself a sick jetpack. The brand was called "Transfusion 20/20." He read the owners manual 73.5 times and knew everything about it. He knew that tonight was the night and there was no turning back. At around 12 pm he climbed to his roof and sparked a Newport 100 for good luck. He then let the starter cord rip for his jet pack and was on his way. As he neared the roof he noticed something very odd. The roof looked like there were white and red things all over it. As he neared even closer he realized that they were thousands upon thousands of discarded tampons. How they would have gotten there, he didn't know. All he knew was that his Timberland XP 95's with Pump Action were not touching that disgusting roof. He headed away and called it a night.

    He flew around downtown Manhatten for a while until he passed a penthouse window and saw Oprah Winfrey inside. He knocked on the glass and she opened. He sat down and talked for a while with her, she was really turned on by his jet pack. After a few bottles if Cristal they got down to doing the deed, and wouldn't you know, Oprah pulls out an XXL Platinum Edition Re-Usable Neo-Fiber Gucci Condom. Herman jumped with joy and smacked Oprah in the face. He snatched the condom, let his jet pack rumble, and headed off into the night. He arrived home that night with an unmistakable grin of victory on his face and his wife knew that he retrieved the well saught after item. After that night, Herman and Fungalow never got more than 3 hours of sleep every night due to the uncomprehensable power of the Gucci name, and Herman went down in the history books with one of the wild tales ever.
  2. iloveboxcars

    iloveboxcars 12oz Royalty

    Joined: Jul 29, 2002 Messages: 20,506 Likes Received: 450
    i'm not too fond of the way the first couple of sentences were written and assumed the rest of your writing would be the same.

    i stopped reading near the top.
  3. why write?

    why write? Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 19, 2003 Messages: 5,859 Likes Received: 1
    great fucking story....hah that shit aint worth 20 bucks though...maybe 5
  4. GucciCondom

    GucciCondom Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 29, 2003 Messages: 5,558 Likes Received: 168
    BTW, this in no way is how I would write an essay.
    It took me about 10 minutes.
  5. duh-rye-won

    duh-rye-won Member

    Joined: Aug 8, 2001 Messages: 580 Likes Received: 2
    unfortunately, this is too long to be my sig.



    Joined: Sep 3, 2004 Messages: 448 Likes Received: 0
    it made me laugh out loud a couple of times,
    so it gets a thumbs up. a bit of vonnecut jr.
    vibe to it.
  7. Abracadabra

    Abracadabra Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Dec 28, 2001 Messages: 22,906 Likes Received: 113
    i actually read the whole thing. how proud i am. quite amusing. what mark did he get?


    Joined: Sep 3, 2004 Messages: 448 Likes Received: 0
    ..vonnegut. bad speller.
  9. AORAone

    AORAone Veteran Member

    Joined: Feb 7, 2003 Messages: 6,460 Likes Received: 32
  10. GucciCondom

    GucciCondom Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 29, 2003 Messages: 5,558 Likes Received: 168
    I'll bump with the grade he gets, it's due tomorrow.
  11. Drunk Sober

    Drunk Sober Member

    Joined: Nov 7, 2003 Messages: 793 Likes Received: 1
    nice storry, getting paid kicks ass!
  12. crave

    crave Veteran Member

    Joined: Jan 20, 2002 Messages: 6,728 Likes Received: 10
    i read the whole jammie.

    you should too.

    it's funny.
  13. Da Moaner

    Da Moaner Junior Member

    Joined: Oct 10, 2004 Messages: 205 Likes Received: 0
    so this guy made this thread just to talk about how he got paid? well homey..heres the new news: I JUST GOT LEID!
  14. cloner

    cloner Senior Member

    Joined: Mar 29, 2004 Messages: 1,717 Likes Received: 0
    god i hate you [carot pointing upwards]
  15. iloveboxcars

    iloveboxcars 12oz Royalty

    Joined: Jul 29, 2002 Messages: 20,506 Likes Received: 450