i come to you with a problem

so, i've never done this type of thread. it's a little odd.

i feel like i'm asking a ton of strangers for advice, but

for some reason that makes me feel better about

saying what i have to say more bluntly than if it were

in person.

a little background:

my cousin and i are really close. he's about 6 years older

than i, but we talk atleast twice a week, email each other, etc.

just really close family.

he's got some problems. he's a manic depressive, hard core

adhd, diabetic. it's pretty nuts to be around him sometimes,

but he's funny as fuck. just a natural comedian.

several years ago, he met this great chick. she loves him for

who he is, she can handle his mood swings, and she doesn't

take his shit. awesome for him, right?

they were to be married this october.

so yesterday, my dad calls me and says, 'your cousin really

fucked up this time.' i asked what he did, and my dad says,

'he hit erin and she left him'. this was shocking, but not too

shocking. i've heard that my cousin has hit women before,

but didn't know if it was true or not. now i know.

so, he just threw everything out the door. a great fiance'.

a good life with her. all kinds of shit.

the problem is: i don't know exactly how to handle this. i

have no clue what to say when i talk to him again. it just sucks.

i feel like i should call his fiance and say something to her,

but it feels awkward. i don't know how she would take one of his family members calling her to let her know i'm on her side.

i dunno.

Wife beating is not the problem, its the solution.

That sounds pretty bad, i aint that good with the whole advice thing, but id say, give the fiance a call, speak to her, see what the deal is. hope this helps.

if you talk to your cuz, you should straight up tell him hitting his chick was wrong.

if your close to his fiance then id say try to talk to her about it, but if not, and you know shes got supprot from other friends and shit id stay out of it.

but just let you cousin know what he did was fucked up, and that things like that he needs to control. i mean if he got emotional problems that he cant control be happy his lady was sticking around to try to help him out with that stuff. but when he takes it to a bad physical level its ALL his bad.

good luck.

fuck that..mind your biz..youll only make it worse..people gotta do them..

besides how do you know she didnt provoke that shit? Women get off thinkn they can hit you..throw shit at you like you CANT do anything..i dont hit women USUALLY but i WILL if a bitch hits me in the face or comes at frank-n-beans..not hard though just a quick jab to the breadbox will tighten them right up...

I agree, if a chick comes at me swinging all crazy like, i will defend myself, maybe not punching her, but ill deffinitly give her a good shove so i dont get smacked

eh.....i dont think homie was asking for advice on "what to do if a girl starts swinging on you"

"i would NEVER hit a woman........

........... but i'd SHAKE THE SHIT OUTTA HER"

-chris rock

If anything... you should stay out of it. There's not much you can say to make her feel better or think twice about the situation. He has to say and do all the right things if she's ever to make it back into his life. The situation sounds shitty but unfortunately the guy brought the pain himself. Hitting women is just uncalled for. Especially when you know they can't defend themselves against you.

Don't be a hero. If you feel you must do something, give her a call to say your sorry for his actions and ask if there's anything you can do. Don't offer suggestions or advice. Do the same for him.

My two cents...

I'd leave it alone. Nothing is gonna change because of something you decide to do.

I don't think there is anything you can say to her. If HE brings it up you could remind him that guys don't hit chicks. Any unwanted dialoque regarding 'the incident' is going to be just that...unwanted. I'm sure the dude knows he fucked up. Just be there when and if he needs the support.

sorryu, quote function isn't working on my end.

uncle boy: i hear ya.

joker and the rest who said to stay iout of it: i don't want to give her advice, just want to let her know that i and the rest of the family are in her corner.

i think sometimes letting people know that you're on their side helps more than anything.

as for her hitting him: she did punch him in the face once when he got up in her grill yelling and screaming. he deserved it. it woke him to that fact that he can't treat women like that. atleast for awhile. other than that, she's way too sweet to ever go around hitting men (or anyone). it's all him, he can't control himself when he hits the lows of being manic depressive/bi-polar.

he really is very manic.

i do care about my cousin, don't get me wrong. but, damn. hitting a girl like erin (his fiance') isn't even cool. think of the sweetest girl you know, and then think about one of your best friends hitting her in the face. you'd be torn, right?

anyhow, thanks to all for the input. i'd like some more input on whether i should call her or not. pros? cons?

steveaustin: no doubt. i won't bring it up when/if i talk to him any time soon. it's not really him i'm worried about, it's his fiance'. imagine being a chick and the guy you love hits you in the face.

I've been in similar situations with life long friends and their girlfriends.

If you’re close to the girl give a call, she is in need of support and people that understand

the situation fully. She like you is looking for others opinions to try and grasp what exactly

is happening. Just know that reaching out in this manner create an instant bond and will

heighten your relationship. Your cousin however may take harshly to your move.

Look within yourself and stand in her shoes, would you want this phone call?

you shouid say

"it may have been worth it if you learned your goddamn lesson you pussy piece of dogpoo"

if he hasn't learned his lesson

(you don't beat the woman who loves you)

then you should help him understand why that shit is totally wrong

and that any woman who has self respect and a good head on her shoulders will leave a man who beats her

it might be worth it to call her and say that she did the right thing.

she might be doubting herself or feeling shitty

but she definitely should get out of that relationship

supporting a woman through a tough decision is a nice thing to do.

*but don't tell your cousin you're doing it

:(

I wouldn't bitch him about what he did. he probably told it all to himself already and is living in a world of shit right now, so you reminding him about this wouldn't be very constructive. (it would be, if your cousin was an ignorant sadist, but from what you said I doubt he's that kind of guy)

These kind of fucked up situations should be *in my opinion* handled with extreme honesty. no two face shit, no talking and scheming behind backs.

If you can think of a way to show him that you don't accept what he's done, but that you're still there, as a cousin etc...In case he realizes something needs to be done... I think it could be a start.

I've been in a similiar situation and if your cousin has moral values and self-conciousness of any kind, he will definately feel like shit for the rest of his life whenever this subject is brought up. and if you isolate and guilt him, his mental health will probably collapse...

don't know. She's probably even more confused than you...but then again you have known him longer, so you could tell her you definately never saw it coming from your cousin, In case you feel like he deserves a second chance

I hope this gives you ideas and also sorry if I didn't make any sense.

Originally posted by krie@May 19 2005, 06:34 AM

Wife beating is not the problem, its the solution.

Quoted post

The ignorance displayed with statements like this is mind-blowing. First off, krie: fuck you. I'm sure you'll say you were only trying to be e-cool and say something funny, but fuck you. It's stupid comments like this that convince guys to justify their actions when they choose (and it is a choice) to hit a woman. And, no, your statement above has nothing to do with defending yourself when a woman attacks you, so don't lie and say it is. Just shut the fuck up.

case - I wouldn't sweep this under the rug and, as others have suggested, let the situation go unmentioned because you assume 'he already feels bad enough.' Fuck that. You need to tell him to his face that he fucked up. That he was the one who chose to hit his lady, he was the one who chose to end their relationship, and that he needs to learn to control his emotions. Granted, like you said, he has many emotional/mental issues that he has to deal with on a daily basis, but those problems cannot become a scapegoat for his inexcusable behavior. If those problems are so overwhelming that he alleges they prevent him from discerning right from wrong, then he needs more help than you can provide. He needs to see a doctor to help him. Regardless, his decision to hit her is still a conscious decision to use fear and physical violence to intimidate her. And you have to tell him he fucked up and that you find his actions unacceptable. To do any less is to give tacit approval of his abhorrent behavior.

Oh, and regarding his ex-fiance: if you were at all close with her, I'd just tell her that you support her and know your cousin's actions were wrong. Like someone mentioned before, she may be wracked with self-doubt right now, and a supportive voice, especially from someone unexpected, may do a lot and serve as a strong affirmation of her choice to not put up with domestic violence.

On one hand, I totally agree with PMB, but at the same time, being really good friends with a couple manic-depressive people, I don't know, I can't help but have a little extra sympathy when they fuck up.

But in terms of the girl, letting her know that she has your support is never a bad thing. Don't try to play problem solver, because this isn't your problem to solve in the first place.

Sorry you gotta deal with this shit man.

I definately think you should give Erin a courtesy call.

I don't think you should criticize your cousin, I'm sure he knows he fucked up. You should tell him you are there to help him resolve his problems. Help him identify warning signs, and ways to prevent an episode. Like removing himself from a situation until his feelings settle down. I also definately think he should be regularly seeing a doctor and probably be on meds if this is not happening already. Manic depression is a serious illness that needs alot of care and attention.

wow, pmb, symbols, and mackfatsoe came on with the knowledge.

no doubt it's a weird thing to go through. this chick was almost part of the family legally, but she was regarded as family before the marriage thing.

anyhow, yeah. i'm thinking that the advice adn inspiration to do something on this thread is all very reassuring. it helps.

it hurts to think that my cousin, a close friend, went off and lost his temper enough to even raise his fist to a woman. kinda makes me feel fucked up in my stomache to think about abusing women, anyhow. but when it's family. damn.

thanks for all the input it's really cool. btw: pmb: krie was joking. i didn't get offended by it. krie's a cool guy.

Originally posted by villain@May 19 2005, 12:29 PM

I definately think you should give Erin a courtesy call.

 

I don't think you should criticize your cousin, I'm sure he knows he fucked up. You should tell him you are there to help him resolve his problems. Help him identify warning signs, and ways to prevent an episode. Like removing himself from a situation until his feelings settle down. I also definately think he should be regularly seeing a doctor and probably be on meds if this is not happening already. Manic depression is a serious illness that needs alot of care and attention.

Quoted post

yeah, i know. i think he is on meds...well, he was a while back. i honestly don't know if he is taking anything for his bp or manic depression.

i'll call her this afternoon

Regardless of whether it was a joke, it was in poor taste.

yeah

we can all tell racist jokes and say we don't hate jews or blacks

make misogynist jokes and say we don't hate women

make any kind of fucking joke you want.

words perpetuate ignorance

and there is ALWAYS truth in jest

you guys who make these kinds of jokes, about beating women, abouit slipping girls drugs, etc..

you really reveal a lot about yourselves lowering yourself to that kind of humor.

would your mom think that was funny if a stranger said it to her?

indeed. there is an amount of truth in every lie...so, i guess it could apply to jokes.

it had no tact, but i knew he wasn't serious. i just disregarded it and moved on. i've learned to do that b/c of 12oz. so, thanks 12oz.

i just talked to my grandmother. she says erin is with friends.

so, i can't talk to her. my cousin is going back to their apt. some time in the next day or two.

apparently he hasn't been on his medication. so, one of his goals is to go see a psychologist when he gets back to his place (he's with my aunt and uncle at their house at the moment).

so, some good is coming from this, but it never should have gotten to the point where he hit her.

i guess the phone call to her will have to be put off for awhile. maybe i can find her email address...

I know this doesn't justify things,

but when a person goes off their meds CRAZY THINGS HAPPEN!

My aunt went off her meds and ended up driving across the country,

getting her car stuck in a corn field and just decided to move into

some poor farmers barn. You go off meds and things go crazy.

I have to disagree with PMB, he didn't 'choose' to hit his lady.

Casek should have mentioned the meds in the first post.

Some people will KILL when they're off their meds, so it changes the discussion.

Say something. Dont tell him he has to stop... I think unless hes a complete shmuck he realizes this. But something like domestic violence can usually only stop in two ways: 1) the person loses their loved one and has an epiphany or 2) the person being beat shoots the beater. Okay, #2 was a slight joke.

Anyway, you being like "Cousin, youre a cock, wtf are you doing, etc., will make him uncomfortable and realize that a thing like physically abusing a woman is a very negative thing, BUT it isnt going to change him. Thats like telling a liar to stop lying, or an alcoholic to stop drinking. He has to do it on his own, and sometimes real drastic shit (jail, losing the loved one, etc.) has to happen before it dawns on him. Thats life though and experience is our only teacher.

Originally posted by <KEY3>@May 19 2005, 01:27 PM

I know this doesn't justify things,

but when a person goes off their meds CRAZY THINGS HAPPEN!

My aunt went off her meds and ended up driving across the country,

getting her car stuck in a corn field and just decided to move into

some poor farmers barn. You go off meds and things go crazy.

 

I have to disagree with PMB, he didn't 'choose' to hit his lady.

Casek should have mentioned the meds in the first post.

Some people will KILL when they're off their meds, so it changes the discussion.

Quoted post

didn't know about him being off meds until about 45 minutes ago, key.

i called my grandmother and she told me.

your story was fucked! she got her car stuck in a cornfield and decided to move into some random barn??? whoa!

Originally posted by gatita@May 19 2005, 01:37 PM

Say something. Dont tell him he has to stop... I think unless hes a complete shmuck he realizes this. But something like domestic violence can usually only stop in two ways: 1) the person loses their loved one and has an epiphany or 2) the person being beat shoots the beater. Okay, #2 was a slight joke.

 

Anyway, you being like "Cousin, youre a cock, wtf are you doing, etc., will make him uncomfortable and realize that a thing like physically abusing a woman is a very negative thing, BUT it isnt going to change him. Thats like telling a liar to stop lying, or an alcoholic to stop drinking. He has to do it on his own, and sometimes real drastic shit (jail, losing the loved one, etc.) has to happen before it dawns on him. Thats life though and experience is our only teacher.

Quoted post

i hear ya. i'd never call him and be like, 'matt, you're a cock for hitting erin.'

it would more or less have to be him bringing it up (we're close, it's not impossible that he just won't bring it up). and i will go about talking to him, and listening. mostly listening. when i feel that he wants input from me, i will be obliged...otherwise, you know....i can't justv call anyone and say 'this is what you need to do to fix yoursefl! i'm right, god dammit!'

i'm just not like that.

yeah... my aunt's been crazy most of her life.

Plus she's a crazy hippy, so what does't that tell you?