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i cannot stop laughing

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by beardo, Oct 26, 2001.

  1. beardo

    beardo Guest

    holy shit. i was surfing around other boards today in total boredom and came accross one that had a thread about fucked up stories. i wont tell the source and changed names to protect the innocent.. but man o man is this some funny shit

    This story is being told for the following reasons...

    1. This board is more dead than cypher one's hopes of ever getting a date.
    2. I am more bored than I have ever been
    3. I want to give my detractors ammunition because they need it.

    The setting: Sophomore Year of High School, end of 91
    The characters: Me and two of my best buddies
    The place: My parents house

    So, it's a Friday night and I got nothing to do. Me and two of my friends go to another friend's house, who isn't even there. Using some stealth and some bold teenager balls, we go into the house and steal a bottle of Canadian whiskey from his Dad's liquor cabinet. We get in my friend's car and then proceed to my house, where the festivities begin. None of us had really gotten hammered before, especially on liquor, so we were fired up. I got 3 fat juice glasses from the kitchen and the container of orange juice because my pansy friends demanded a chaser. We go up to my room. I fill my juice glass to the brim (about 3 shots worth) and slam it back like a champion. My friends are in awe of my prowess and they all fail to understand how I can down the liquor so massively and without a chaser. They do really weak shots and chase it down, to which I point and laugh, in arrogant style. I immediately fill my glass again and slam it down (another 3). Suddenly, I feel kind of neat and different. As my friends weakly chase down another pansy shot, I take a third glass to the face, as I laugh again at their sheer fagotry. I stand up...and fall down. I see my friend George laughing...


    ...I wake up. PAIN. Utter pain of the mind. Disoriented. Not knowing what that is in...oh no...in my shorts...squish...oh GOD...what the...I shitt myself. I realize right away, that YES INDEED, I am laying in a nice pile of poop, some of which is encrusted to me, some of which is in my carpet. My mind is pained. Why can't I see anything? Uh...my contacts...where are they if they are not in my eyes? I don't know at this point, so I go into the shower and immediately wash myself. Next step, I put on my glasses and throw away my shorts outside directly into the garbage...uh oh....HURL....at least I was outside for that gutbusting puke-o-rama, the first I ever experienced. WHOA. Pain. Unlike anything before. I go back inside and proceed to clean the carpet to the best of my ability. My next thought...why is there puke all over my room? I realize that I must have barfed everywhere during the missing time period. Where is everyone? My friends were not in the room, so I find them in a different room asleep. I wake them up and RIGHT AWAY they are laughing the hardest I have ever seen anyone laugh. My first question to them "How do you get shitt out of the carpet?" They laugh for 3 minutes and suggest several cleaning products. My next question..."Where are my contacts?" They laugh REALLY LOUD for 3 minutes and say "You couldn't get them out last night, so you put your head in the toilet and flushed it until they came out!" I am in utter amazement at this point and don't remember anything other than George's face after my 3rd glass. I say "What happened?" They proceed to tell me that I took at least two more juice glasses to the face and I got really violent and started breaking stuff, including but not limited to, 2 of the 3 juice glasses. Apparently, I poured the juice all over the place and began hurling in various parts of the room. Supposedly, I sang Pearl Jam songs for a while and was completely insane as my friends watched in amazement. At one point, I fell down and demanded that they call 911 because I was dying. They considered it, but figured it was funnier not to. I remembered none of this. They went home and I stayed home, puking ALL DAY AND NIGHT. The next day after that, I was still sick and puking. Sunday night, I started to recover, just in time for Monday. I went to school Monday and all my friends came up to me and were like "Dude, I heard you shitt yourself on Friday night. That's so nice! Maybe we'll get some diapers for you next time." Oh, yeah. I pooped myself.

    Feel that friggin story, in all of its brutal honesty.
    Self-shitter and proud,


    added bonus link: http://www.konstruktiv.net/kitty_02.html
  2. BullFROG

    BullFROG Member

    Joined: Jun 1, 2001 Messages: 847 Likes Received: 0
    i jsut have to say that that is one of the funniest stories i have heard ina while thanks beardo made me almost shit myself :)
  3. bumdigger

    bumdigger Guest

    damn that was one of the best stories i ever heard. 5 stars no doubt
  4. Dirty_habiT

    Dirty_habiT Administrator

    Joined: Mar 8, 2001 Messages: 18,136 Likes Received: 82
    Awww that is hilariously unfortunate.
  5. boogie hands

    boogie hands 12oz Legend

    Joined: Feb 15, 2001 Messages: 16,059 Likes Received: 13
    fucking hell....i teared up on that one....funny, funny buisness
  6. KASTsystem

    KASTsystem Member

    Joined: Jul 3, 2001 Messages: 832 Likes Received: 0
    that bonus kitty link is hot
  7. attractive nuisance

    attractive nuisance New Jack

    Joined: Sep 7, 2001 Messages: 15 Likes Received: 0
    that makes me feel not as bad about passing out on the lawn at campus on my way home and having some old professor wake me up on his way into work.
  8. *see-phore*

    *see-phore* Senior Member

    Joined: Jul 7, 2001 Messages: 1,182 Likes Received: 0
    i just shit myself laughing,ahhhwwwwwwwww,fuck!:) :( :eek: :D ;) :p :cool: :rolleyes: :mad: :eek: :king: :idea: :dazed: :crazy: :confused:
  9. --zeSto--

    --zeSto-- Guest

    what a pussy!

    Canadian Club Cheers all around!
  10. bumdigger

    bumdigger Guest

    good thing i wasn't on acid when i checked out the bonus link
  11. CATS

    CATS Senior Member

    Joined: May 30, 2001 Messages: 1,600 Likes Received: 0
    Nice, this is one for the campfire, or to tell his next girlfriend. I bet this kid doesn't touch liquor anymore.
  12. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    ....oh my fucking god....
  13. beardo

    beardo Guest

    i am still laughing
  14. bigpoppa.k

    bigpoppa.k Elite Member

    Joined: May 2, 2001 Messages: 3,152 Likes Received: 18
    stop............... my stomach hurts........................... hahahahahahahahahahahahhh..
  15. podrido

    podrido Veteran Member

    Joined: Apr 14, 2001 Messages: 9,182 Likes Received: 28
    ah yeah that was well worth the read lol
    what it was to b 13