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Husband Issue 1.0

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by knkr, Mar 14, 2006.

  1. knkr

    knkr Member

    Joined: Dec 28, 2002 Messages: 424 Likes Received: 0
    found this amuseing.
    sure some of you can relate.
    peas and mash.


    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
    distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower
    and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
    as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
    programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation
    8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running
    Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?


    Dear Desperate:
    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
    Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:
    C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should
    automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed,
    Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0
    and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
    Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

    WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

    CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a
    supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
    memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
    buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I
    personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck,Tech Support


    Dear Technical Support,

    18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which
    I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
    conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to
    try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

    To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
    other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
    Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

    I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
    virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
    Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
    time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
    they caused severe damage to my hardware.

    I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
    product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
    up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

    Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
    unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored
    in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
    later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
    Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
    TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files,
    and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

    Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
    ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to
    be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my
    Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

    Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
    can't be turned off.

    Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
    problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
    detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
    uninstalling itself.

  2. Yellow Feets

    Yellow Feets Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 10, 2004 Messages: 1,958 Likes Received: 0
    I found 2/3 of that pretty amusing. You get a C+.

    grammar, ugh.
  3. shaolinmasta

    shaolinmasta Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 26, 2003 Messages: 7,884 Likes Received: 157
  4. CALIgula

    CALIgula Moderator Crew

    Joined: Mar 1, 2004 Messages: 36,358 Likes Received: 1,235
    this was as gay as

    c : enter # # #
  5. seeking

    seeking Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 25, 2000 Messages: 32,277 Likes Received: 235
    if you've ever worked in an office, you know exactly why shit like that exists.
  6. RumPuncher

    RumPuncher Elite Member

    Joined: Jul 4, 2005 Messages: 4,500 Likes Received: 5
    ^ exactly.

    this is what women forward to each other.
    Men forward thing like hidden goatsee links and 'Why a beer is better than a wife'.
  7. knkr

    knkr Member

    Joined: Dec 28, 2002 Messages: 424 Likes Received: 0
    never worked in a office.
    dont plan on it.

    goatse is most *cough* ill leave it to yas.
    thought the metaphors where classic.

    more geek humor.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

    6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

    7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

    10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

    11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

    12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
  8. FunTimePartyTeam

    FunTimePartyTeam Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 19, 2005 Messages: 2,029 Likes Received: 0
  9. Tyler Durden

    Tyler Durden Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 18, 2001 Messages: 5,263 Likes Received: 40

    I should just start writing mass emails along those lines, but REALLY fucked up and dark so that when I'm laughing hysterically everyone else is all "uh....yeah....heh...heh............"

    Fuck you. Be uncomfortable.
  10. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Sep 6, 2002 Messages: 14,905 Likes Received: 202
    oh man i hate these things. Some stupid NERD girls on my msn forward these things to me. I'd block them, but I'm friends with their boyfriends. FUCKING NERDS!!!
  11. FunTimePartyTeam

    FunTimePartyTeam Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 19, 2005 Messages: 2,029 Likes Received: 0
    Yeah, nerds are so not cool.
  12. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Sep 6, 2002 Messages: 14,905 Likes Received: 202
    These are the same NERDS that talk about having a case of the Mondays and shit like that. Goddammit, I gotta do something about this anxiety. Someone can say the littlest thing to me; something of absolutely no consequence, and it'll fuckin' eat at me for days.
  13. FunTimePartyTeam

    FunTimePartyTeam Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 19, 2005 Messages: 2,029 Likes Received: 0
    I had an ex girl that got my email after a few years apart. She put me on her 'forward dumb girlie stuff' list. I actually felt bad when I asked her to stop sending me junk unless it was a real message to me. But as I look back on it, I dont feel bad one little bit.
  14. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Sep 6, 2002 Messages: 14,905 Likes Received: 202

    Funny thing is, I bet she was hurt.
  15. Gunm

    Gunm Banned

    Joined: Aug 31, 2003 Messages: 12,427 Likes Received: 1
    9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.