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Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by mental invalid, Jul 16, 2004.

  1. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    *picks up head, crusted drool, mumbles something uterrly unintelligible, collapses back down on key board*


    Free Will Astrology
    horoscopes for week of July 15, 2004

    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    Two years ago, scientists discovered a secret underground river running more than 800 feet below a Mauritanian town in the Sahara Desert. With a flow rate of 8,450 gallons per hour -- enough to supply the needs of 50,000 people -- it is the biggest unnamed river in the world. I predict that you'll soon make an analogous find in your own domain, Aries. What is the valuable resource that has always been near you, but hidden? Any day now, you'll know.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    I took a long, meandering walk today. After an hour, I found myself in an unfamiliar neighborhood on a wide paved road. In the middle of a long straight stretch there were two street signs next to each other. The one on the right -- the direction from which I had come -- said "Split Drive." The one on the left -- where I was headed -- said "Union Avenue." There was no intersection here and no bend in the road to mark the change -- no apparent distinction at all between Split and Union. Now study all the details I just reported, Taurus. They're symbols for your life in the coming week.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    Golfer Phil Mickelson has had an odd career. During his first 12 years as a pro, the 34-year-old Gemini won 22 tournaments and earned more than $25 million. But because he had never finished first in any of the four major tournaments, sports writers branded him as a loser. When he finally captured the top spot at the Masters last April, they acted as if he had exorcised some terrible ancient curse. I suspect that many of you Geminis will soon be subject to expectations and pressures as absurd as those once directed at Mickelson. Please resist the urge to buy into them. Don't let anyone manipulate you into trying to live up to their pathological standards of success.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    To pump up their volume above the prevailing human din, some nightingales in big cities have learned to unleash 95-decibel songs, matching the loudness of a chainsaw. I'd love to see you make a similar push, Cancerian, because let's face it: If your output remains at its current level, you'll continue to be half-invisible, never making the impact you should. So raise your intensity, please. Whatever you've been doing to express your uniqueness, do it louder. However you've been contributing your beauty to the world, do it bigger.

    Leo (July 23-August 22)

    "Dear Dr Brezsny: I need someone to rescue me! My therapist fell asleep during our last session! Even my mother won't return my calls! And the man I love just told me he's not emotionally attached to me and is planning to marry a woman he's known for six weeks! I'm smoking too much and drinking every night and crying myself to sleep. I'm afraid I'll end up as a middle-aged cat lady wearing a housecoat and sponge rollers in my hair, drinking gin straight out of the bottle! I need some bright, wise soul to restore me to health and wholeness and hope! -Lamed Lioness." Dear Lioness: According to my reading of the astrological omens, there's a special person who'll soon be in a perfect position to rescue you. That person is you yourself! The same thing's true about a majority of your fellow Leos: They're on the verge of becoming their own saviors. Any minute now, you'll all know exactly how to convert your breakdowns into breakthroughs.

    Virgo (August 23-September 22)

    I think what you're about to experience is summed up well by the bumper sticker I saw today: If a pig flies, don't criticize it for not staying up long. In other words, Virgo, the most righteous response to the wonders you've been experiencing is delighted gratitude -- even if the wonders don't quite live up to their initial promise or your early expectations. Ironically, this approach is the only one that will make it possible for the pig to fly again in the future.

    Libra (September 23-October 22)

    Your life has brought you many maddeningly inconclusive adventures. On occasion, you've probably been tempted to invest what was left of your battered faith in the doctrine proclaimed by Gertrude Stein: "There ain't no answer. There ain't going to be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer." But now the time has come for you to suspend your belief in Stein's theory and others like it. During the next five months, I predict that you will be given more precise, definitive answers than you've ever had before.

    Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

    Each day many of your cells expire and are replaced by others. As long as you live, this relentless process of death and rebirth never abates. Periodically, then, you have a completely new set of flesh and bones that retains none of the same atoms you were composed of earlier. Think back, for example, to the physical body you inhabited in July of 1999. There is nothing left of that old thing! In a sense, you have reincarnated without having to endure the inconvenience of dying. Do you realize how free this makes you? In the coming week, Scorpio, take full advantage of this gift. Show how much you appreciate it.

    Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

    The Bible's Book of Revelation is one of the world's most notorious advertisements for doom and gloom. Millions of people actually think the wacky yet terrible visions laid down in that ancient text describe future events. Few of the believers live in Beijing, China, fortunately. When a swarm of locusts like those prophesied in Revelation arrived in the area in 2002, local residents greeted the creatures warmly. They scooped them up in large bags, deep-fried them, and turned them into the main dish of an enormous feast. I urge you to make a similar reversal of a fearful scenario that someone's trying to foist on you, Sagittarius.

    Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

    Contrary to the orthodox notion that sperm headed towards an egg are in a deadly competition with each other, researchers have discovered they collaborate, often joining together to create a "love train" so as to reach the target faster. Using this as your inspiration, Capricorn, see if there's an area of your own life that you've misjudged as being a hotbed of cutthroat rivalry. The astrological omens suggest that it's a perfect time to awaken and cultivate the cooperative potentials of such a situation.

    Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

    Tjiliwirri is a special language taught to adolescent boys undergoing initiation rites among the Warlpiri tribe of the Australian Aborigines. A speaker uses it to express the opposite of what he pretends to mean. In order to convey the meaning, "You are tall and wise," for instance, a boy might say the Warlpiri equivalent of "You are short and short-sighted." To express a yearning for greater fulfillment, he may declare, "I have no needs." Regard this vignette as instructive about your immediate future, Aquarius. In the coming weeks, I believe you will undergo a kind of initiation that dares you to rise to a new level of maturity. In the course of this rite of passage, you may have to navigate your way through situations that are the opposite of what they seem.

    Pisces (February 19-March 20)

    Two years ago, seven-year-old Steven Olson was awarded patent number 6,368,227 for a new method of swinging on a swing. His application said that kids can get bored just moving back and forth on the swing or twisting the swing's chains to make it spin. That's why he invented the technique of swinging side to side. Will he get rich from selling the rights to use his patent? Probably not. Now let's talk about how all of this applies to you. I think you should pull off your own version of Olson's coup in the coming weeks -- but see if you can take it one step further. Dream up an innovation that makes a fun experience even more fun, and meditate on how you might then exploit it to your practical advantage.
  2. beardo

    beardo Guest

    that was frighteningly similar to a legit horoscope, rob. you dissapoint me.

    also, holler at keva/jamba juice. usually does the trick for my hangovers.
  3. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2
    go get some 'hangover helper'... you know.. greazy ham and eggs with hash browns.


    Aries: (March 21—April 19)
    People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.

    Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
    You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.

    Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
    Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.

    Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
    Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.

    Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
    Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.

    Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
    You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.

    Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
    You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
    You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
    Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
    You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
    You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
    Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.
  4. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    oh thats the stuff right there...smoke a jay afterwards with a strong cup of coffee and put some brad mehldau on....

    unfortunately im stuck at work but this cutie in her miniskirt is flirting with me so it helps a little...
  5. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest

    this is my friend raallllppphhh!

    *take 3 aspirins, drink a buttload of water, and smoke a fatty boom batty*
  6. SteveAustin

    SteveAustin Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 12, 2002 Messages: 7,042 Likes Received: 2
    oh great...I'm gonna hear even MORE words in my head!

    not hungover for once.
  7. CrazyLazy

    CrazyLazy Senior Member

    Joined: Jul 17, 2003 Messages: 1,681 Likes Received: 0
    Haha. Same. And those damn tiny symbols! How I loath them.
  8. nomadawhat

    nomadawhat Veteran Member

    Joined: Aug 24, 2001 Messages: 5,001 Likes Received: 2

    xc 5te4;p03 4;02 3or25]-
  9. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.

    i have come full circle, and now its monday and im hung the fuck over again...this is what happens when your friend who havent seen in like six months come back into town...you close the bar and show the bartender how to make the proper mind eraser....ooofah
  10. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
  11. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    eeshh...throw away clothes....
  12. 455

    455 Guest