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how to be emo

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by NeverSleep, Feb 1, 2004.

  1. NeverSleep

    NeverSleep Member

    Joined: Oct 31, 2003 Messages: 420 Likes Received: 0
    from www.collegehumor.com

    How To Be Emo
    Update by James Girvin on Jan. 26th, 2004
    Now, don't get me wrong, I like some emo songs. But, also.... don't get me feminine.... I like them more for their sound than their lyrics. I personally do not see how hard it can be to make up lines like "I am the misplaced words on the tip of your tounge." How do I know that? Because I just made that up. That wasn't planned. It was like a freestyle.....only it was emo. So I guess that would be called "crying."

    Well, that was bad. Anyway, I figured all of you kids out there probably are asking "Why am I reading this?" But maybe, just maybe, you also want to know how you can learn to fit into this new scene. Or....in order to make it sound more emo...this new "scream."

    So, without further ado, here is a step-by-step list of how to become emo:

    1) Lose Any Sense Of Shame: This might be the most important thing to keep in mind. No matter what, you can never let anyone get you un-down. People will give you looks (well, you hope they will....since you are mainly doing this for the appearance) and you are just going to have to deal with this. After you learn how to play a few chords on your acoustic guitar and have scribbled out a few "heart felt" lyrics in your memo book, you are going to have to learn to perform in front of crowds (your mirror or, if you make it big, your parents in between commercials). You cannot afford holding back because you are afraid of what you look like. One key point: if all else fails, CRY. You might look like a girl, but at least you will still be emo.

    2) Learn Some Self Control: This is very important. If you are new to this emo-lifestyle (which can also be referred to as "stupid) you might not be used to appearing upset all the time...but you must. You cannot afford to ever crack a smile in public. People may start thinking you are :):gasp::) happy? That would not be good at all. Try to learn to save any of these "happy" feelings for when you are alone (most likely you will be alone a lot if you are this emo). When these times come, let out just a brief smile, take a deep breath, and then sniff some onions in order to get your eyes watery (it's a nice effect).

    3) The Glasses: The thick-rimmed, black glasses are integral to a perfect Emo Get Up.....Kids (respect the pun). Without these, people may see some of your face. If they do this, you run the risk of showing emotion. It doesn't matter if you need glasses in real life or not, get these glasses. You'll look like Buddy Holly only (if this is possible) not as cool.

    4) The Acoustic Guitar: As mentioned above, the acoustic guitar is necessary for any emo kid. Drums? Too simple. Electric guitar? Way too happy sounding. Bass? Despite the low sound symbolizing the depths of your soul, it is still just not quite artistic enough. Flute? Not quite feminine enough. You need the acoustic. When people ask you to play it (even though you obviously don't know more than a few chords) just sniffle a little and say "To play without a girlfriend would be to play without a soul." They will slowly walk away and you won't have to worry about playing it anymore. High Five!!.....oh wait, you don't do those....too happy.

    5) The Poetry Book: Write poetry all of the time. Why? Because no one is going to invite you anywhere else, so you might as well kill some time. Use this book of poems to, originally, draw girls' attention and, inevitably, chase them away.

    6) The Hair: This is a big deal to an emo-kid. Since he cannot show emotion in any other aspect of his life, his hair must represent him. In other words, your hair must show people you like to follow trends but not look like you are. Therefore, dye it all black and go to a stylist. BUT HE/SHE BETTER BE GOOD.....or else your $30 haircut might not look like you simply cut it yourself. Make sure at least one eye is covered by your hair. When asked why you have your hair over your eye say something like "::sigh:: It is my shield to the cruel world."

    7) The Webcam: This is an E-must. If you do not have a webcam, you do not know true sorrow. Take pictures of yourself all the time. Make sure you never appear happy...ever. Okay, well maybe you can smile in one picture, but quickly delete it. Never look directly at the camera, either. That would show interest. The picture should look something like as shown.

    8) The Clothes: What is that phrase? Clothes make the man? Well, in this case, someone else's clothes make the man. You can only shop at Salvation Army, Goodwill, or any other place where the average customer gets the early bird special and then grabs some lunch at the local food pantry. If you want to be a "posuer" (if that is still possible) you can grab some t-shirts and the like at your local Abercrombie outlet. These clothes aren't truly "emo," though, because they have a brand name on them. After you're done grabbing some shirts, it's time for some pants. Only Dickies or plain blue jeans can ever touch your legs. Shorts reveal too much leg which, in turn, may show some character on your part. Remember: the key is to remain obscure when you really are secretly hoping to be noticed by everyone. Finally, you cannot forget about the shoes. Stay with anything that looks like you parents wore them for 10 years....only buy them, brand new (again, pun), for $55 at Hot Topic.

    9) Music: You're almost there!! You've got the image, now all you need is.....wait, what's that? You are only doing this for the image? Hmm....

    Well, let's assume someone out there actually wants to complete their Emo-city. You're final step is choosing the correct music. There are two key points to this. First, ONLY listen to bands that are unknown. If they have already been discovered by anyone other than you, they have "sold out" and you have no respect for them anymore. Secondly, once you find these bands, make sure their names follow this simple formula: They must be three words long; they can start with a "The"; words like"theory," "project," and some type of Day are always a plus.

    Finally, if you become a full Emo-head (a.k.a. Cry-Baby) you must join a band. At first, just be a solo artist on your acoustic guitar (see #4). This can also be called the "learn you suck at music" period. After that, if you at least have a decent voice, join a full band. Make sure the name follows the formula I stated above.

    Well, that's it. If you can follow these simple steps, you will eventually be a true Emo Kid. Make sure to read everything clearly (wipe your eyes as you read the directions if your tears are getting in the way) because we wouldn't want any mix ups. You might misread something and actually seem content to someone.
  2. Pilau Hands

    Pilau Hands Guest

    It was like a freestyle.....only it was emo. So I guess that would be called "crying."


    then i stopped reading..but ha nonetheless
  3. EyeforAnEYE

    EyeforAnEYE Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 29, 2003 Messages: 4,199 Likes Received: 3
    :lol: :lol:
  4. wiseguy

    wiseguy Elite Member

    Joined: Mar 1, 2002 Messages: 2,543 Likes Received: 1
    its funny cos its true...:lol:
  5. FA?!

    FA?! New Jack

    Joined: Jan 10, 2004 Messages: 53 Likes Received: 0
    i think i should make a how to be hardcre thread, unless its already been done, cuz that would be hillarious
  6. When

    When 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: May 4, 2000 Messages: 10,294 Likes Received: 3
    when will they learn?
    my suffering isnt so far from the pain of life
    everything i do is pointless becauseof her,
    she tore my heart froim my chest
    only to to be consumed in sadness
    for this life is too much to live for
    my eyeliner is dripping for i shall not forget

    scr-emo freestyle like whoa
  7. Tyler Durden

    Tyler Durden Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 18, 2001 Messages: 5,263 Likes Received: 40
    the whole emo/witty emo-bashing thing is getting really tired....time to move on people.
  8. CAPiTA

    CAPiTA Member

    Joined: Apr 13, 2003 Messages: 667 Likes Received: 0
    I'm with TD on this one. People need to find a new group to ridicule...and no I'm not even remotely emo.
  9. $360

    $360 Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 2, 2002 Messages: 2,600 Likes Received: 1