happy chirsmukkah 12ozers....ROB

i could use clean boxers from santa, ive being going commando at work for like a week now...not due to the fact that im a pornstar, but rather cause im fucking lazy....

*slams back another roe egg nogg.....

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Free Will Astrology

horoscopes for week of December 16, 2004

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In 1874, a fire broke out in an underground coalfield in western China. It burned nonstop until 2004, when firefighters finally squelched it. In the intervening 130 years, 200 million tons of fuel went to waste, spewing out copious amounts of polluting gases. I nominate the denouement of this long-running drama to serve as your personal metaphor for early 2005. In January and February, you will finally douse a smoldering inner fire that has been a poor use of your ambition. This will set the stage for a fresh start. No later than your birthday, you will ignite a new blaze that's both more efficient and more worthy of you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Have you heard of the book, Toxic Sludge Is Good for You!: Lies, Damn Lies and the Public Relations Industry? How about George Orwell's science fiction novel, 1984, in which the government trumpets the slogan, "War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength"? If I could, I'd give you these books as holiday gifts, Taurus. I'd also present you with an altar made of fine wood. With these foundation materials, I'd ask you to begin building a Truth Shrine in your home. This source of power might help you stay alert for and immune to the elevated levels of BS you'll be called on to fend off in 2005. Maybe it would also inspire you to be in service to us all as you earn the title of "Radical Truth-Teller."

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

As I meditated about what would be the perfect holiday gift for you, I kept coming back to the fantasy of a thousand doughnuts. Nothing pleased me more than the mental image of your living room floor covered with boxes of Bavarian cream, chocolate frosted, jelly-filled, glazed, and apple crumb doughnuts. Here's the astrological explanation for my intuition: I think fate plans to blow your mind with sweet extravagance in 2005. Receiving a thousand doughnuts would be a metaphorical rehearsal.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Over the centuries, numerous ships carrying treasure have suffered mishaps and sunk to the bottom of the world's oceans. Most have remained there undisturbed, their gold and jewels seemingly lost forever. In the last decade, though, teams of treasure hunters have developed high-tech recovery equipment that allows them to locate and extract the sunken riches. I believe that there will be a comparable development in your life in the coming months, Cancerian. You'll find ways to access valuables from the past--stuff you had always assumed was irretrievable. Your first project will become apparent soon. Here are a few symbolic holiday gifts you might consider buying yourself: sonar, a diving suit, a treasure chest.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Many spiritual teachers say you're most likely to succeed at meditation if you sit quietly in a sanctuary. They believe you need to retreat from the world in order to develop compassionate objectivity about life. The eighteenth-century Zen Buddhist teacher Hakuin Ekaku had a different view. "Meditation in the midst of activity is a billion times superior to meditation in stillness" was his motto. I agree with him. But one of the reasons it's superior is because it's so much harder. Have you ever tried to see God in your boss while he or she is yelling at you about some trivial mistake? Are you able to remain open-hearted to a loved one when he or she isn't being open-hearted to you? Believe it or not, Leo, you could go a long way towards mastering these skills in 2005. It'll be prime time to learn how to meditate in the midst of the daily chaos.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Virgo rapper Xzibit was asked by an interviewer what he was hoping to get for Christmas. "All I want is a Hummer H2, a big-ass plasma TV, and a AR15 assault rifle with a 30-round clip." Though your own holiday wish list may not include any of Xzibit's items, I do encourage you to fantasize extravagantly about what gifts might pump up your power in 2005. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you should even let yourself entertain some rather macho trains of thought as you imagine the enhancements you'd like to bring with you into the new year. How about sessions with a hard-driving life coach, lessons in ashtanga yoga, or a definite plan to undertake a brave outdoor adventure?

Libra (September 23-October 22)

In 2005, you should go to great lengths to put yourself in positions where you will be pleasantly surprised, profoundly taught, and rigorously inspired. The coming months will be an excellent time to seek out experiences that will change your mind about many things. You're finally ready to shed a slew of old attitudes and beliefs that worked well for you once upon a time, but which are now mostly dead weight. Here are some symbolic holiday gifts you might consider buying yourself: a blank slate, a bottle of baptismal water, an outfit of all white clothes.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

This year the Boston Red Sox won baseball's World Series for the first time in 86 years. The team thereby dispelled "The Curse of the Bambino," which had plagued the franchise since it traded away Hall of Famer Babe "Bambino" Ruth in 1918. Of the 25 players on the Red Sox roster in 2004, five were Scorpios and five were Geminis. The Scorpios included four premier talents who were instrumental in breaking the curse: Johnny Damon, David Ortiz, Curt Schilling, and Pedro Martinez. I believe this vignette foreshadows your fate in 2005, Scorpio. You too will banish a jinx that has burdened you for far too long. And Geminis (like Boston's star Manny Ramirez) may be valuable allies. Here's a symbolic holiday gift you might consider buying yourself: a Boston Red Sox good luck charm.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

In 2005, I hope you seek out more demanding and rewarding alliances. I'd love you to align yourself with a network that spreads your highest values with maximum intensity. My heart will also sing with joy if you use better tools to express your generous urges and try more daring strategies to promote justice. To encourage these developments, consider getting yourself these holiday gifts: a device that enhances your ability to communicate, a pep talk from the most practical idealist you know, and a talisman that symbolizes a promise you make to your future self.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

"I have climbed to the top of a greasy pole." So proclaimed nineteenth-century politician Benjamin Disraeli when he had at last ascended to the job of prime minister of Great Britain. Please picture that greasy pole in your mind's eye, Capricorn. I would love to give it to you as a holiday gift. It would be an apt symbol for the work you have ahead of you in 2005. P.S.: I expect to see you at the top by next October.

.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Last January, NASA landed two vehicles on Mars. For months their solar panels provided them with just enough energy to explore the alien terrain. One of the rovers recently experienced an inexplicable power boost, however. It happened overnight, and NASA's team isn't sure why. "We surmise that for some reason dust is being removed from the solar panel," said spokesman Jim Ericson, "and that's increasing the efficiency of the sunlight being converted to electricity." I regard this as an apt metaphor for what lies in your future Aquarius. In 2005, you too will enjoy mysterious rejuvenations as you reconnoiter exotic territory.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

In my imagination, I'm now handing you a battle flag similar to those carried by the armies of medieval Europe. It's a windsock in the shape of a red, winged dragon with black eagle claws and a long yellow tail. Inside it is a device that unleashes a loud, raucous whistle whenever the wind blows through it. In presenting you with this symbolic gift, I'm exhorting you to pump up your martial forces in 2005. I'm encouraging you to be wild-hearted and strong-willed as you fight the good fight.

and yes i know i spelt chrismakkus wrong...im still hung over from my egg nogg....

Originally posted by mental invalid@Dec 17 2004, 11:35 AM

I regard this as an apt metaphor for what lies in your future Aquarius. In 2005, you too will enjoy mysterious rejuvenations as you reconnoiter exotic territory.

Quoted post

I hope to dear god that this is true. I guess it's all up to me right? Right.

I don't expect much for xmakkus because my parents just hooked me up with a round trip ticket to Brazil...but I want a fuggin Ipod already so I can sell all my cd's, dammit. Not gonna happen though.

----onion'scope

Aries: (March 21—April 19)

There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)

You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)

It turns out that being a slumlord is actually a whole lot of fun, at least for the time being.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)

Whoever said it was easier to destroy than to create never tried collecting their feces in jars for 18 months.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)

You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)

There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)

With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)

Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)

It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)

Unfortunately, a disagreement over whether cool jazz is superior to smooth jazz will not end in bloodshed.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)

A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)

You may be new to farming, but everyone knows that haystacks should be made of hay. Using needles not only injures your cattle, it also clues the other farmers in to the fact that you are a nerd.

Not a pretty picture for the aquaman

my roe one sucks, my onion one is good, and my haiku mentions Motley Crue. Awesome!

Haiku Horoscopes

Aries

(Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)

I’ve been reading the

Stars for a while, so believe

That your name’s Dennis

Taurus

(Apr. 20 - May 20)

I don’t think that I

Believe Mötley Crüe when they

Say that they’ve reformed

Gemini

(May 21 - June 20)

Your date will go much

Better than you’re expecting —

Enjoy your ‘coffee

Cancer

(June 21 - July 22)

That McCain hat will

Bring you nothing but pain in

The form of herpes

Leo

(July 23 - Aug. 22)

Your Christmas present

Is in the mail, along with

That cheque — and Hoffa

Virgo

(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

That tie makes you look

Fat, and also like a bald

Psychotic bulldog

Libra

(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Everyone likes to

Get Christmas cards, but not all

People want your love

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

“What’s your sign?” You will

Pick up exactly no one

With that opener

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

I’ve developed a

New diet plan — first step, you

Travel to the moon

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

There’s got to be a

Better way to get oil than

Wringing out your hair

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Why are you reading

This? Astrology’s a sin.

Didn’t you know that?

Pisces

(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

Hey, when you see the

Devil this week, tell him that

I send my regards

yeah, im outta clean boxers as well...

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

In 2005, I hope you seek out more demanding and rewarding alliances. I'd love you to align yourself with a network that spreads your highest values with maximum intensity. My heart will also sing with joy if you use better tools to express your generous urges and try more daring strategies to promote justice. To encourage these developments, consider getting yourself these holiday gifts: a device that enhances your ability to communicate, a pep talk from the most practical idealist you know, and a talisman that symbolizes a promise you make to your future self.

------------------------

sorta on point. sorta. i have no people skills.

good shit

crumble

Originally posted by mental invalid@Dec 17 2004, 11:35 AM

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

 

As I meditated about what would be the perfect holiday gift for you, I kept coming back to the fantasy of a thousand doughnuts. Nothing pleased me more than the mental image of your living room floor covered with boxes of Bavarian cream, chocolate frosted, jelly-filled, glazed, and apple crumb doughnuts. Here's the astrological explanation for my intuition: I think fate plans to blow your mind with sweet extravagance in 2005. Receiving a thousand doughnuts would be a metaphorical rehearsal.

Hmm..... Grandma's cooking?

Originally posted by <KEY3>@Dec 17 2004, 12:55 PM

----onion'scope

 

 

 

 

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)

A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not a pretty picture for the aquaman

Quoted post

:crying:

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

In 2005, I hope you seek out more demanding and rewarding alliances. I'd love you to align yourself with a network that spreads your highest values with maximum intensity. My heart will also sing with joy if you use better tools to express your generous urges and try more daring strategies to promote justice. To encourage these developments, consider getting yourself these holiday gifts: a device that enhances your ability to communicate, a pep talk from the most practical idealist you know, and a talisman that symbolizes a promise you make to your future self.

soo....that means i need to...eh fuck it i'm not in the mood.

even though this is very on point for me..

i'm taking a break from 12oz for a long while..

hope i get to meet some of ya'll folks in my travels..

stay up..bust of luck to all..and stay the fuck off my porch.

and i leave you with this image:

moogle niner?

Damn.... alright Moog... peace be with you.