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Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by ETHREADZNY, Nov 19, 2002.


    ETHREADZNY Elite Member

    Joined: Feb 11, 2002 Messages: 3,129 Likes Received: 4
    What To Say To Telemarketers

    If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.

    If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?". Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

    If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

    Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family & Friends Plan, reply in as Sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"

    If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

    Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" then hang up.

    Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.

    Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack you food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

    Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

    Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

    Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"

    If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.

    Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
  2. fr8lover

    fr8lover Guest

    this is long but trust me its funny...its a transcript my friend sent me of how he got a telemarketer to hang up on him...


    This morning, I think I became the first person in history to have a telemarketer hang up on me. This lady called me trying to get me to change my long-distance to AT&T (SWB 4 Life!) and then it went down like this . . . (*screen wiggles to indicate dream*)

    (*Pink fuzz around screen shows I'm telling a past event. You know, like on Saved by the Bell*.)

    ME: Hello?

    LADY: I'm calling on behalf of AT&T to try to persuade you to switch your long-distance carrier to our service. Which long-distance carrier are you currently with?

    ME: I don't have a phone.

    LADY: ...You don't have a phone?

    ME: No. No phone.

    LADY: (smugly) Then how am I talking to you, sir?

    ME: It's a tin can with a string tied to the end.

    LADY: Mmm...hmm....

    ME: It is.

    LADY: Mmm...hmm.....

    ME: It is.

    LADY: Come on.

    ME: It is.

    LADY: I know you aren't trying to tell me you're talking on a Pork 'N' Beans can.

    ME: It's a SOUP can! Duh.

    LADY: Mmm...hmm....

    ME: It is.

    LADY: Well you must have your calls forwarded to your soup can then, huh?

    ME: Nope.

    LADY: You must, because I know I dialed (785)-776-6952.

    ME: No you didn't.

    LADY: I didn't?

    ME: Nope.

    LADY: Well what's your can's phone number then?

    ME: One. My number is one.

    (long silence)

    LADY: You mean to tell me I didn't call (785)-776-6952?

    ME: No, you called one.

    LADY: Sir, I don't have time for this. You're being very rude.

    ME: What are you wearing?

    LADY: Nothing. Now can we please talk about long distance plans?

    ME: Sorry, I don't have a phone.

    LADY: I'm just trying to do my job.

    ME: It's Halloween.

    LADY: Sir, I can't legally hang up on you.

    ME: Doooooo iiiiiittt.............

    LADY: Will you please hang up on me now?

    ME: You can't hang up on me?

    LADY: No.

    ME: Then we'll be here all day. Just you, me, and my soup can phone.

    LADY: (*aggrivated noise*)

    ME: Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Enough games. You were saying something about me switching my long-distance plans?

    LADY: (*sigh of relief*) Yes. Who is your current-

    ME: I don't have a phone.

    LADY: (angrily) IS YOUR NAME JASON???

    ME: .......maaaaaaaaybe..............

    (another long silence)


    ME: .......maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe...............

    LADY: I can't legally hang up on you.

    ME: You already told me that.

    (another long silence)

    ME: Hi.

    (yet another long, long silence)

    LADY: Look, will you just please tell me you don't make long-distance calls so I can hang up on you? Now then. Do you make long-distance calls?

    ME: Yep! All the time!

    LADY: (frustrated) Can I at least put you on our no-call list?

    ME: Yes! Actually, wait, no. I'm kind of enjoying this. Please call me some more.

    LADY: Oh I have a feeling I'm going to remember this number.

    ME: How could you forget? It's one.

    (more silent frustration)

    ME: One.

    LADY: OK, I'm going to take you off our list. I'm also going to take you off our mailing list. What's your address?

    ME: The moon.

    LADY: Jason, I know you're not trying to tell me you live on the moon.

    ME: It's Halloween.


    ME: So what's up?

    LADY: You're rude.

    ME: You are.

    LADY: -click-


    And that's how it went down (Pink fades from edge of screen and screen wiggles back into the present). I hope I have inspired you all to play games with your telemarketers too. Good times.

    ETHREADZNY Elite Member

    Joined: Feb 11, 2002 Messages: 3,129 Likes Received: 4
    ^ That is quality.. I feel for the telemarketers, But they call at the wrong times. I need to try some of these.
  4. DorkstaR

    DorkstaR Senior Member

    Joined: May 24, 2002 Messages: 1,404 Likes Received: 0
    HAHAHAHA!!! that story was hilarious. does anybody ever watch crank yankers? they have a CD with the greatest crank calls in stores now.
  5. tears*uno

    tears*uno Guest

  6. WhAt_dA_fUcK

    WhAt_dA_fUcK Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 30, 2002 Messages: 1,149 Likes Received: 0
    haha.....thats pretty funny......

    when they call my house i usually tell them that i died.....
  7. 455

    455 Guest

    that's usually what I do when bill collectors call........
  8. ~KRYLON2~

    ~KRYLON2~ 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 13, 2001 Messages: 10,493 Likes Received: 211
    ahhh......thats a classic
  9. Skull&Bones

    Skull&Bones Guest

  10. dai

    dai Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 30, 2001 Messages: 1,052 Likes Received: 0
    my boy's phone number was a number off little ceasars, you dont know how many people called his house a busy night. it was great, we'd take down orders, tell people they couldn't order, tell them there pizza was free, or it was $50, just all sorts of things.
  11. loudhardfast

    loudhardfast Member

    Joined: May 15, 2002 Messages: 737 Likes Received: 0
    i have been getting called more than usual lately. im gonna try some of these. thing is i dont usually think to be funny at 7 am.
  12. fr8oholic

    fr8oholic Veteran Member

    Joined: Apr 23, 2000 Messages: 9,256 Likes Received: 2
    shave your bean bag for the guys or pontious pilot for the girls

    when they call just tell em hold for the person they're asking for and drag the receiver across said area and moan.

    works like a charm
  13. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Nov 16, 2000 Messages: 10,259 Likes Received: 18
    Aaaaahhahahaha! Fr8lover, thanks for the story!
  14. Zack Morris

    Zack Morris Veteran Member

    Joined: Jun 23, 2001 Messages: 9,728 Likes Received: 4
    somehow they got my cell phone number...I got a call from them at work the other day...me and my boss ahd fun
  15. Dr. Dazzle

    Dr. Dazzle Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 19, 2001 Messages: 8,147 Likes Received: 3
    Hahahahaha.....some funny shit. I have to start doing stuff like this.......