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Fun with telemarketers thread...


Milton

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Don't you love it when telemarketers call you and won't let you get off the phone till you buy something... I used to hate that too, until I discovered how fun they can be....

 

I was using the Full Metal Jacket Soundboard form ebaumsworld.com

 

TM: Hello, good evening sir, this is Mike from Qwest.

Me: WHAT'S YOUR NAME SCUMBAG?

TM: Sir, *laughs* I just said this is Mike from Qwest.

Me: Do you think I'm cute? Do you think I'm funny?

TM: Uhh, No Sir.

Me: Are you about to call me an Asshole?

TM: No sir.

Me: Hell I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister.

TM: Lets keep this professional okay?

Me: Are you a peter puffer?

TM: Sir, I'm not going to ask you again.

Me: Bullshit I bet you could suck a golfball through a garden hose.

TM: *CLICK*

 

TM: Hello, this is a courtesy call from your local newspaper carrier, we see that you do not currently recieve the paper, would you be interested?

Me: Hiiiii, My name's Iggy, What's yours?

TM: Hi Iggy, I'm Julie.

Me: Julie thats a pretty name.

TM: Thank you, would you be interested in recieving the paper?

Me: YAAAAAAAAA...

TM: Could we interest you a full month?

Me: YAAAAAAAAA...

TM: Would you like our twice daily premium service?

Me: YAAAAAAA....

TM: Well sir, if we could just get a credit card number or a current billing address we can get your service started immediately.

Me: Oh shit. Hold on for Iggy...

Me in the background: IGGY!!! Are you playing on the damn phone again. I told you to quit fucking playign on the phone you idiot. Calling them 976 numbers again arent you, Iggy go to your room

Me in a different voice: Hello there, whats you're name?

TM: This is Julie from your local paper, this is a courtesy call.

Me: Oooooh a naughty papergirl are you? Can I get home delivery?

TM: Excuse me?

Me: I wanna suck your toes, I wanna...

TM: SIR, This is not a phone sex line, please be professional.

Me: How much are u charging a minute?

TM: THIS IS NOT A PHONE SEX LINE, I'M TRYING TO SELL PAPERS.

Me: Oooooh ya, yell at me, I've been a bad boy...

TM: *CLICK

 

TM: Good evening sir, I'm calling from Citigo Visa, would you be intersted in a new credit card with a low 1.9% introductory apr?

Me: Mike, quit playin on the phone man, we got business to take care of.

TM: What was that.

Me: Mothafucka I said quit playing on the damn phone I told you we gotta get these bricks to Rico, and then come back to downtown and try to get some advance money from Chris.

TM: I'm sorry sir, this is Robert calling from Citigo Visa.

Me: Quit fucking around "Robert" I know this is you mofucka, just come through in about an hour and pick this shit up, I'm still bagging it.

TM: For the last time this is a courtesy call from Citigo Visa.

Me: Oh shit, you're serious?

TM: Yes sir.

Me: Damn, my bad lil' homie, can I help you with somethin?

TM: We want to offer you our new premier Citigo Visa.

Me: I ain't got time for this shit, you know anybody that wants to get down?

TM: Get down?

Me: You know, I can hit you with the soft white shit?

TM: Uhh.. Uhh..

Me: Look mothafucka, yes or no?

TM: I have to run... *Click*

 

 

More will come as soon as another calls me, feel free to post yours...

 

That will be all...

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me: hello?

TM: yes, hi this is John from [insert name here, i dont recall what it was]

is Ralph (dad) at home?

me: is who here?

TM: ralph.

me: oh. ralph. yeah, hang on.

me (pretending to be my dad): gimmie a fuckin beer! :burp: yeah, who the fuck is this?

 

TM: yes, hi this is john from..

me: GODAMAN IT BOY, I SAID GIIIIT THE HELLL BACK IN YOUR ROOM DONT MAKE ME GET THE HOSE! :burp: sorry, what?

TM: um....this is john..

Me: WOMAN! GIT THE FUCK BACK IN THAT KITCHEN! :slaping book on table to sound really loud:

Tm: when is a good time to call back, you seem busy

Me: DONT MAKE ME GIIIIT THE HOSE, GIRL!

telemarker hangs up.

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Here's one hot off the presses, it's a gem, i kept him on the phone for like 5 minutes...

 

TM: Good afternoon sir, would you like to make a donation to partners of the blind?

Me: Ehhh Hold on a minute *Puts phone down* GLEEEENDA, GLEENDA COME TALK ON THE PHONE, I DON'T HAVE MY AIDE IN AND I CAN'T HER HIM.

Me in a womans voice: Hello, who's this.

TM: This is Michael calling on behalf of Partners of the Blind.

Me: Oh, we're not blind here we already have glasses, thank you...

TM: No ma'am we're calling for donations to help support blind people in your area.

Me: I'm sorry, I don't understand, neither of us are blind here, my husband is getting there let me tell you, but he has his glasses, except when he forgets. See we were married in '42 been together 62 years and let me tell you after you hit 50 it's downhill from there...

TM: I'm sorry to interrupt ma'am but I'm just trying to solicit donations to help blind people in your area.

Me: Now, just hold on, I'm getting to that, just hold your horses. My husband and I have two kids, probably around your age, how old are you?

TM: Ma'am I'm thirty six. But could we get to the donations, are you interested?

Me: Now just don't be so impatient, my son is 56 this year or is it 57? *Puts Phone Down* HEEEEENRY, HOW OLD IS JUNIOR THIS YEAR? NO, It's either 56 or 57. *Picks up phone* My oldest son is 57 this year, and his wife still has the same smile on her face when she met him... If he's anything like his father he's still working his work, if you know what I mean...

TM: Ma'am I'm not sure I do, but what does any of this have to do with donations.

Me: I told you right off neither of us are blind, now hold on...

TM: My manager is calling me, I have to go, thank you...

Me: Now hold on just a minute *Click*

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You'd think they'd stop calling me, but do they... NO WAY! I got two more since my last post, hooo ahhh....

 

TM: Hello, this is Robin at Viacom Cable, our records show that you currently have no cable.

Me: You're damn right I have no cable, and do you know why I have no fucking cable?

TM: I'm sorry sir, I can't say that I do, Viacom wants to offer...

Me: I'm gonna tell you why I don't have no fucking cable, cause this mother fucker, Jimmy, maybe you know him he lives over on main street, he sold me a box you know a cable box like?

TM: If you mean a "blackbox" or "descrambler" I have to inform you that those are illegal.

Me: Yeah whatever, anyway this motherfucker sold me a box and told me I'd have cable for a year and then I could buy another year from him next year you know?

TM: Sir, what you are talking about is stealing, are you aware that stealing cable is a felony?

Me: I'ma tell you a got damn felony, the mofucking cable that sonofabitch sold me stopped working a month after I bought the shit, and now he won't come fix it. I paid 200 dollars for that damned box and I was supposed to have cable for a year, and now this sonofabitch is ducking me, I went by his house and all, his momma said he aint home...

TM: Hold on, I'll let you talk to somebody. *Ringing* Hello, this is Stan I'm a floor manager at Viacom, and one of my employees said that you have a cable problem.

Me: Who is this?

TM: This is Stan from Viacom, I'm going to tell you right now stealing cable is a felon.

Me: Who is this? Stan, Stan who, I'm confused.

TM: Stan I'm a manager at Viacom Cable.

Me: Ohhh, did I apply for a job there?

TM: No Sir, I want to talk about your cable.

Me: Well when are you gonna get your ass down here and fix the motherfucker..

TM: Ughhh *Click*

 

And one from collections, these are the most fun cause they will NOT hang up:

TM: Hello, my name is Alex from United Billable Accounts, and I'm calling on behalf of you public library system.

Me: *Chuckling* This is who? From what?

TM: This is Alex from United Billable Accounts, this is just a courtesy call, your credit hasn't been effected as of now, but your public library sent us your account due to an outstanding balance of 38 dollars, can we set up a payment schedule with you?

Me: Whoa man, your really cramping my vibe, hold on a minute. *Turns on some Greatful Dead* Okay, go ahead man, what were you saying?

TM: I'm calling to set up a payment schedule for the 38 dollars you owe the library, so the charges dont effect your credit report.

Me: Well, gee whiz, man, I'm not really too good with schedules, thats why I don't have a job or anything...

TM: Well if we can't set up a schedule for you this could ruin your credit.

Me: Whoa, do you know what you're saying? You want me to put myself on an arbitrary schedule, cause the man says so? Fight the power brother.

TM: Sir, try to stay with me, we need to set up a payment schedule with you.

Me: *Singing* We don't need no education we don't need no thought control. Don't you agree bro?

TM: SIR! Are you willing to pay your bills at all.

Me: I can't really pay you in money, cause I don't believe in it, but I can give you some home made incense, or maybe my love sister. Hold on... *Put phone down* Hey, Moondrop, do you think you could give yourself to the library man, he sounds nice... *Pick phone up* Ya she says she's up for it, and let me tell you man, its amazing.

TM: Uhhh ummm, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW HOW BETTER TO EXPLAIN THIS, ARE YOU GOING TO PAY THE 38 DOLLARS OR NOT?

Me: Calm down man, you need to take it easy. Is the 38 dollars really important in the grand scheme of things man...

TM: THAT ENOUGH, I'VE HAD IT!

Me: Okay, Love and Happiness brother...

*CLICK*

 

THATS ALL FOLKS

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Originally posted by Milton

TM: Good evening sir, I'm calling from Citigo Visa, would you be intersted in a new credit card with a low 1.9% introductory apr?

Me: Mike, quit playin on the phone man, we got business to take care of.

TM: What was that.

Me: Mothafucka I said quit playing on the damn phone I told you we gotta get these bricks to Rico, and then come back to downtown and try to get some advance money from Chris.

TM: I'm sorry sir, this is Robert calling from Citigo Visa.

Me: Quit fucking around "Robert" I know this is you mofucka, just come through in about an hour and pick this shit up, I'm still bagging it.

TM: For the last time this is a courtesy call from Citigo Visa.

Me: Oh shit, you're serious?

TM: Yes sir.

Me: Damn, my bad lil' homie, can I help you with somethin?

TM: We want to offer you our new premier Citigo Visa.

Me: I ain't got time for this shit, you know anybody that wants to get down?

TM: Get down?

Me: You know, I can hit you with the soft white shit?

TM: Uhh.. Uhh..

Me: Look mothafucka, yes or no?

TM: I have to run... *Click*

 

HAHAHAHHAHAA

 

you managed to record all this or memorize?

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haha that hippy one is the best :lol:

 

i feel sorry for them, cuz where i live they get paid on commision so every time some one doesnt do it, they dont get paid, each time some one does they doo. i normally hang up on them strait away though :ballcap:

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ive been fucking with thoes people forever. well i became one for a little while. good thing im a smart ass or some of thoes people would have gotten to me. heres a little tip. most places have a system where you must sell a certain # or items or whatever a day. well the longer you keep them on the line the more likely they will not fill that 3. sooo this is waht you do. if there selling something say lightbulbs. they should be like hello mr smith this i xxx calling from xxxx were going to be giving you a free trial offer of brand xxx lightbulbs. well instad of saying some shit to them which i usally just hung up casue i do it so i know how it is.. just keep them on the line and when it finally comes time for them to get a conformation then act all surprised and ask alot of questions then after 15 mins just tell them u changed your mind and hang up.. thats funnier:lol:

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Swiffer, I just memorize, so it's not exact, but you can get the idea...

 

I too used to be in the telemarketing industry, selling newspapers, which is the worst of all. But I like to have a little fun with them anyway. The best is to act interested but confused, and keep making them explain it, and also try to make them press a certain key, I saw this on crank yankers and tried it, the reactions are hysterical...

 

That will be all...

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I read this somewhere and now i can stop doing it

TM:Hi this is (insert name) from (insert company)

Me: Um... ime kinda busy right now could you give me your home phone number and ile call you later and we'll work all this out ok?

 

 

take it from there you imagination is the limit!

(unfortunately for me thats a bad thing)

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Originally posted by Tribal_Man

I read this somewhere and now i can stop doing it

TM:Hi this is (insert name) from (insert company)

Me: Um... ime kinda busy right now could you give me your home phone number and ile call you later and we'll work all this out ok?

 

 

take it from there you imagination is the limit!

(unfortunately for me thats a bad thing)

 

 

thats from sienfeld

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I'll have more when I get them, I usually get one at like 10:30 in the morning, but this morning they decided not to. The whole thing started when I was like 16 and one of them was an asshole to me. I was like I'm not interested, thank you, and he kept trying to get me to buy it. Like 15 minutes of my life were wasted on this fuck trying to sell a 16 year old life insurance. Now I'm exacting my revenge....

 

MORE SOON...

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Is something supposed to be in that box or is it just a gray box?

 

Here's my contribution for today:

 

Me: Hello, Hello?

TM: Hi this is...

Me: Hello? Who is this?

TM: This is Crystal calling from Western Mortgage, how are you today?

Me: Crystal? How did you get this number??

TM: Ummm, I got you number from our computer database.

Me: The computer? Hold on a second *Puts phone down* BOBBY! BOBBY! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY ON THAT DAMNED INTERNET, THEY CAN TRACK YOU, I TOLD YOU THAT. NOW THE FEDS ARE CALLING HERE TELLING ME THEY'RE GONNA TAKE ME TO THE DATABASE *Pick's up phone* Hello, you there?

TM: Yes sir I'm here, but I think you might be confused, I'm calling from a mortgage company.

Me: Yeah, Yeah, whatever. *Whispering* Now between you and me, I know you can't take bribes or anything, but how much would it cost me to get taken off the list you have there?

TM: If you ask to be removed, we're required to take you off of our calling list.

Me: Tell me honestly, what's it gonna cost to make me dissappear?

TM: I don't know what you mean.

Me: Twenty thousand? Thirty?

TM: I'm calling from Western mortgage to see if you're interested in refinancing.

Me: Fourty?

TM: Sir, I don't know what you're asking me, but I don't have time for this. Do you want me to take you off our calling list?

Me: *Yelling* NO I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME OFF OF EVERY CALLING LIST, EVERY LIST AND COMPUTER I WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM IT I WANT TO DISSAPPEAR, WHAT DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?!

TM: Okay sir, I'll take you off our list...

Me: CUBA HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!

*Click*

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Like I said earlier, I'm a telemarketer. Our policy when it comes to people being assholes or fucking with us: You can't yell and you can't curse but you can say whatever you want.

 

Here is a call from earlier tonight.

 

me: Hi this is Kevin from -----------

customer: ----------? You a mortgage company?

me: Yes sir, I was calling to see if you would be interesting in saving money on your...

customer: Wait, you think I'd be interested in something you're trying to sell me over the phone you fuck?

me: Actually sir, I'm not trying to sell you anything. Just trying to offer you a free qoute but you don't know that since you were so rude and cut me off.

customer: YOU MOTHER FUCKER DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: Yes, I have a watch sir. I'm well aware of the time thank you. Any business between myself and people's mothers is strictly personal, let's stay professional here sir.

customer: YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING TOUGH YOU LITTLE SHIT? HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?

Me: Actually, I am pretty tough. Honestly though I have no idea how I got the number. They give me a list everyday and I punch 'em in.

Customer: WELL TAKE ME OFF YOUR GOD DAMN LIST YOU COCK SUCKER

Me: Sorry to bother you sir, I'll let you go so you can get back to your budwieser and beating your wife, goodnight.

 

click.

 

 

I love when people are assholes or try to fuck with me, it's so much fun it makes my boring job exciting so please keep fucking with telemarketers.

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