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Fun with telemarketers thread...

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Milton, Aug 26, 2003.

  1. Milton

    Milton Senior Member

    Joined: May 21, 2003 Messages: 2,253 Likes Received: 0
    Don't you love it when telemarketers call you and won't let you get off the phone till you buy something... I used to hate that too, until I discovered how fun they can be....

    I was using the Full Metal Jacket Soundboard form ebaumsworld.com

    TM: Hello, good evening sir, this is Mike from Qwest.
    TM: Sir, *laughs* I just said this is Mike from Qwest.
    Me: Do you think I'm cute? Do you think I'm funny?
    TM: Uhh, No Sir.
    Me: Are you about to call me an Asshole?
    TM: No sir.
    Me: Hell I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister.
    TM: Lets keep this professional okay?
    Me: Are you a peter puffer?
    TM: Sir, I'm not going to ask you again.
    Me: Bullshit I bet you could suck a golfball through a garden hose.
    TM: *CLICK*

    TM: Hello, this is a courtesy call from your local newspaper carrier, we see that you do not currently recieve the paper, would you be interested?
    Me: Hiiiii, My name's Iggy, What's yours?
    TM: Hi Iggy, I'm Julie.
    Me: Julie thats a pretty name.
    TM: Thank you, would you be interested in recieving the paper?
    TM: Could we interest you a full month?
    TM: Would you like our twice daily premium service?
    Me: YAAAAAAA....
    TM: Well sir, if we could just get a credit card number or a current billing address we can get your service started immediately.
    Me: Oh shit. Hold on for Iggy...
    Me in the background: IGGY!!! Are you playing on the damn phone again. I told you to quit fucking playign on the phone you idiot. Calling them 976 numbers again arent you, Iggy go to your room
    Me in a different voice: Hello there, whats you're name?
    TM: This is Julie from your local paper, this is a courtesy call.
    Me: Oooooh a naughty papergirl are you? Can I get home delivery?
    TM: Excuse me?
    Me: I wanna suck your toes, I wanna...
    TM: SIR, This is not a phone sex line, please be professional.
    Me: How much are u charging a minute?
    Me: Oooooh ya, yell at me, I've been a bad boy...
    TM: *CLICK

    TM: Good evening sir, I'm calling from Citigo Visa, would you be intersted in a new credit card with a low 1.9% introductory apr?
    Me: Mike, quit playin on the phone man, we got business to take care of.
    TM: What was that.
    Me: Mothafucka I said quit playing on the damn phone I told you we gotta get these bricks to Rico, and then come back to downtown and try to get some advance money from Chris.
    TM: I'm sorry sir, this is Robert calling from Citigo Visa.
    Me: Quit fucking around "Robert" I know this is you mofucka, just come through in about an hour and pick this shit up, I'm still bagging it.
    TM: For the last time this is a courtesy call from Citigo Visa.
    Me: Oh shit, you're serious?
    TM: Yes sir.
    Me: Damn, my bad lil' homie, can I help you with somethin?
    TM: We want to offer you our new premier Citigo Visa.
    Me: I ain't got time for this shit, you know anybody that wants to get down?
    TM: Get down?
    Me: You know, I can hit you with the soft white shit?
    TM: Uhh.. Uhh..
    Me: Look mothafucka, yes or no?
    TM: I have to run... *Click*

    More will come as soon as another calls me, feel free to post yours...

    That will be all...
  2. suicidebombr

    suicidebombr Member

    Joined: Aug 23, 2003 Messages: 979 Likes Received: 0
  3. ~KRYLON2~

    ~KRYLON2~ 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 13, 2001 Messages: 10,493 Likes Received: 211
    who has heard the crank calls with arnold shcwarzinager....shit is quality

    you sunofabitch
  4. Mr.Clean

    Mr.Clean Member

    Joined: Apr 23, 2003 Messages: 462 Likes Received: 0
    me: hello?
    TM: yes, hi this is John from [insert name here, i dont recall what it was]
    is Ralph (dad) at home?
    me: is who here?
    TM: ralph.
    me: oh. ralph. yeah, hang on.
    me (pretending to be my dad): gimmie a fuckin beer! :burp: yeah, who the fuck is this?

    TM: yes, hi this is john from..
    TM: um....this is john..
    Me: WOMAN! GIT THE FUCK BACK IN THAT KITCHEN! :slaping book on table to sound really loud:
    Tm: when is a good time to call back, you seem busy
    telemarker hangs up.
  5. Milton

    Milton Senior Member

    Joined: May 21, 2003 Messages: 2,253 Likes Received: 0
    Here's one hot off the presses, it's a gem, i kept him on the phone for like 5 minutes...

    TM: Good afternoon sir, would you like to make a donation to partners of the blind?
    Me in a womans voice: Hello, who's this.
    TM: This is Michael calling on behalf of Partners of the Blind.
    Me: Oh, we're not blind here we already have glasses, thank you...
    TM: No ma'am we're calling for donations to help support blind people in your area.
    Me: I'm sorry, I don't understand, neither of us are blind here, my husband is getting there let me tell you, but he has his glasses, except when he forgets. See we were married in '42 been together 62 years and let me tell you after you hit 50 it's downhill from there...
    TM: I'm sorry to interrupt ma'am but I'm just trying to solicit donations to help blind people in your area.
    Me: Now, just hold on, I'm getting to that, just hold your horses. My husband and I have two kids, probably around your age, how old are you?
    TM: Ma'am I'm thirty six. But could we get to the donations, are you interested?
    Me: Now just don't be so impatient, my son is 56 this year or is it 57? *Puts Phone Down* HEEEEENRY, HOW OLD IS JUNIOR THIS YEAR? NO, It's either 56 or 57. *Picks up phone* My oldest son is 57 this year, and his wife still has the same smile on her face when she met him... If he's anything like his father he's still working his work, if you know what I mean...
    TM: Ma'am I'm not sure I do, but what does any of this have to do with donations.
    Me: I told you right off neither of us are blind, now hold on...
    TM: My manager is calling me, I have to go, thank you...
    Me: Now hold on just a minute *Click*
  6. GLIK$

    GLIK$ Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 23, 2002 Messages: 22,277 Likes Received: 117
    Theyre not crank calls you twat. They call him.

    And Milton, you sir get 45 fucking boners for this thread, truly awesome. And an amazing imagination.
  7. S@T@N

    [email protected]@N Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 15, 2002 Messages: 1,998 Likes Received: 0
    ....and now, glik0 is going to suck your dick. Everyone give a round
    of applause!
  8. GLIK$

    GLIK$ Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 23, 2002 Messages: 22,277 Likes Received: 117
    hey, you're popular now.

  9. Milton

    Milton Senior Member

    Joined: May 21, 2003 Messages: 2,253 Likes Received: 0
    You'd think they'd stop calling me, but do they... NO WAY! I got two more since my last post, hooo ahhh....

    TM: Hello, this is Robin at Viacom Cable, our records show that you currently have no cable.
    Me: You're damn right I have no cable, and do you know why I have no fucking cable?
    TM: I'm sorry sir, I can't say that I do, Viacom wants to offer...
    Me: I'm gonna tell you why I don't have no fucking cable, cause this mother fucker, Jimmy, maybe you know him he lives over on main street, he sold me a box you know a cable box like?
    TM: If you mean a "blackbox" or "descrambler" I have to inform you that those are illegal.
    Me: Yeah whatever, anyway this motherfucker sold me a box and told me I'd have cable for a year and then I could buy another year from him next year you know?
    TM: Sir, what you are talking about is stealing, are you aware that stealing cable is a felony?
    Me: I'ma tell you a got damn felony, the mofucking cable that sonofabitch sold me stopped working a month after I bought the shit, and now he won't come fix it. I paid 200 dollars for that damned box and I was supposed to have cable for a year, and now this sonofabitch is ducking me, I went by his house and all, his momma said he aint home...
    TM: Hold on, I'll let you talk to somebody. *Ringing* Hello, this is Stan I'm a floor manager at Viacom, and one of my employees said that you have a cable problem.
    Me: Who is this?
    TM: This is Stan from Viacom, I'm going to tell you right now stealing cable is a felon.
    Me: Who is this? Stan, Stan who, I'm confused.
    TM: Stan I'm a manager at Viacom Cable.
    Me: Ohhh, did I apply for a job there?
    TM: No Sir, I want to talk about your cable.
    Me: Well when are you gonna get your ass down here and fix the motherfucker..
    TM: Ughhh *Click*

    And one from collections, these are the most fun cause they will NOT hang up:
    TM: Hello, my name is Alex from United Billable Accounts, and I'm calling on behalf of you public library system.
    Me: *Chuckling* This is who? From what?
    TM: This is Alex from United Billable Accounts, this is just a courtesy call, your credit hasn't been effected as of now, but your public library sent us your account due to an outstanding balance of 38 dollars, can we set up a payment schedule with you?
    Me: Whoa man, your really cramping my vibe, hold on a minute. *Turns on some Greatful Dead* Okay, go ahead man, what were you saying?
    TM: I'm calling to set up a payment schedule for the 38 dollars you owe the library, so the charges dont effect your credit report.
    Me: Well, gee whiz, man, I'm not really too good with schedules, thats why I don't have a job or anything...
    TM: Well if we can't set up a schedule for you this could ruin your credit.
    Me: Whoa, do you know what you're saying? You want me to put myself on an arbitrary schedule, cause the man says so? Fight the power brother.
    TM: Sir, try to stay with me, we need to set up a payment schedule with you.
    Me: *Singing* We don't need no education we don't need no thought control. Don't you agree bro?
    TM: SIR! Are you willing to pay your bills at all.
    Me: I can't really pay you in money, cause I don't believe in it, but I can give you some home made incense, or maybe my love sister. Hold on... *Put phone down* Hey, Moondrop, do you think you could give yourself to the library man, he sounds nice... *Pick phone up* Ya she says she's up for it, and let me tell you man, its amazing.
    Me: Calm down man, you need to take it easy. Is the 38 dollars really important in the grand scheme of things man...
    Me: Okay, Love and Happiness brother...

  10. Swiffer Jet

    Swiffer Jet Elite Member

    Joined: Jul 14, 2003 Messages: 2,669 Likes Received: 0

    you managed to record all this or memorize?
  11. krie

    krie Guest

    haha that hippy one is the best :lol:

    i feel sorry for them, cuz where i live they get paid on commision so every time some one doesnt do it, they dont get paid, each time some one does they doo. i normally hang up on them strait away though :ballcap:
  12. MisPantalonesEstaEnfuega

    MisPantalonesEstaEnfuega Veteran Member

    Joined: Dec 23, 2000 Messages: 6,494 Likes Received: 1
    This is funny because today was my first day as a telemarketer.

    It seriously has to be the most boring job ever. I called 1200 numbers in the 5 hours I worked and I think I talked to about five people. I really dont care, $13.50 an hour for pushing buttons pretty much.
  13. iloveboxcars

    iloveboxcars 12oz Royalty

    Joined: Jul 29, 2002 Messages: 20,506 Likes Received: 450
    thank god this wasnt another "lts call starbucks and ask if they have diarhiia (fuck that fucking word to death you motherfuckers.)"

    good thread.
  14. taper

    taper Elite Member

    Joined: Nov 29, 2000 Messages: 4,509 Likes Received: 0
    ive been fucking with thoes people forever. well i became one for a little while. good thing im a smart ass or some of thoes people would have gotten to me. heres a little tip. most places have a system where you must sell a certain # or items or whatever a day. well the longer you keep them on the line the more likely they will not fill that 3. sooo this is waht you do. if there selling something say lightbulbs. they should be like hello mr smith this i xxx calling from xxxx were going to be giving you a free trial offer of brand xxx lightbulbs. well instad of saying some shit to them which i usally just hung up casue i do it so i know how it is.. just keep them on the line and when it finally comes time for them to get a conformation then act all surprised and ask alot of questions then after 15 mins just tell them u changed your mind and hang up.. thats funnier:lol:
  15. CRAMPS

    CRAMPS Senior Member

    Joined: Jun 6, 2003 Messages: 1,600 Likes Received: 0
    and for my next trick, i will fuck both these two cute girls, and thes two sheep.....at the same time!