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friday at home just loungin' with ROB

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by mental invalid, Mar 29, 2002.

  1. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    ....me and ROB took the day off....mental's health day....peaces...:idea:




    ARIES (March 21-April 19)

    Unless you buy my Sacred Atlantean No-Stick Talisman, you will suffer from arachibutyrophobia, a fear of peanut butter adhering to the roof of your mouth! If you refuse to order my Ancient Egyptian Hemp Dreamcatcher, you will contract myxophobia, a fear of slime! If you don't obtain my book, How To Attract Your Very Own Millionaire Spirit Guide, you will be tormented by anthonephophobia, a fear of flowers falling from clouds! APRIL FOOL! You are currently less susceptible to being manipulated by scare tactics than you have been in years. In fact, I predict you'll be shrewdly courageous in the coming days.



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    TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

    Traditional astrologers are right when they say Tauruses are conventional, of average intelligence, and slow to change. Most Bulls are too addicted to the accumulation of status symbols to risk brave rebellions or to catalyze ingenious innovations. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said is a dirty lie, and I predict you'll soon prove it. To inspire your overthrow of Taurean stereotypes, I offer these geniuses, all born under the sign of the Bull, as role models: Salvador Dali, Martha Graham, Teilhard de Chardin, Thomas Pynchon, Golda Meir, Charles Mingus, Mother Jones, Richard Feynman, Dante Alighieri, Malcolm X, David Byrne, Calamity Jane, Orson Welles, Eva Peron, Florence Nightingale, Sigmund Freud, Mary Wollstonecraft, Margot Fonteyn.



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    GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

    It's high time for you to create your own exercise video or fragrance or line of handbags. I'll go so far as to advise you to nominate yourself for a MacArthur Foundation "genius" award, Nobel Prize, or Purple Heart. It wouldn't be outlandish for you to charge people a hefty fee for coming to their parties and simply being your big, beautiful self. APRIL FOOL! The preceding was a bit exaggerated -- but not by much. It's my boisterous way of prodding you to unleash your self-promotion urges. Don't rely on others to toot your horn. Be your own agent.



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    CANCER (June 21-July 22)

    A cabal of android sportscasters, leftwing Amish bankers, supermodel scientists, and sexy Islamic celebrities is conspiring to deprive you of your God-given right to treat yourself like crap. Behind the scenes, they are manipulating fate to prevent you from denying yourself pleasure or sabotaging your success. APRIL FOOL! There are indeed conspirators who are working to ensure that you treat yourself with more loving kindness, but they are not android sportscasters, leftwing Amish bankers, supermodel scientists, or sexy Islamic celebrities.



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    LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

    Wear a T-shirt that says, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Slap a bumper sticker on your car that reads, "Having abandoned my search for the truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy." If you're a woman, make frequent use of this declaration: "You say I'm a bitch like that's a bad thing." If you're a man: "I'm hung like Einstein and as smart as a horse." APRIL FOOL! While it is a favorable time to adopt a feisty, unpredictable, nothing-to-lose attitude, you'll get best results if you mix a bit of elegance in with the campy approach I suggested above. For instance, try these sly Oscar Wilde quotes.
    "I can resist everything except temptation."
    "Nothing succeeds like excess."
    "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much."
    "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
    "I can believe anything provided it is incredible."
    "The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself."
    "The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves."
    "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
    "One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards."
    "Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about."
    "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."
    "It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances."
    "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
    "I live in terror of not being misunderstood."
    "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."



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    VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

    Dave Barry writes a humor column for 600 publications, while my horoscopes appear in only 130. It's natural that he receives more acclaim than I. Still, I was jealous when I heard that the people of Grand Forks, ND named a human waste disposal facility after Barry. The only similar honor I've garnered came when a café manager in Seattle started calling his cappuccino machine "Rob Brezsny." I want more! If you value the advice I offer, Virgo, I demand that you give my name to an object or pet that's important to you. APRIL FOOL! Whatever gifts you may glean from my words, you can be sure I provide them with no strings attached. By the way, that's precisely the policy you should follow right now: Give unconditionally or don't give at all.



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    LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

    I have embedded a coded message in this horoscope. It asks a very special Libra out there to become my new consort, hiking and Scrabble partner, and muse for my next book. Could it be you to whom I have directed this hidden seduction? If so, you will intuitively know exactly how to decipher it and communicate that you're ready for me. APRIL FOOL! There are currently some Very Interesting Persons sending you "Let's merge!" signals, but none of them are me. I suggest you drop your projections and expectations about who would be a perfect collaborator and open your mind to what's right in front of you.



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    SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

    To collect the full share of good luck which is your birthright (but which to date has been withheld from you), you must cast aside your given name and adopt one of these three new super-monikers:
    1. Freejoycrispfecundleapingflashdazzler.
    2. Surgingsoaringfoxygeniuswhirlingrisktaker.
    3. Buoyantimprovisingfearlesswideawakefunwrestler.
    APRIL FOOL! It's true that you have not yet cashed in on a sizable share of the miraculous fortune allotted to you at birth, but nothing so superficial as changing your name will give you the power to pull it off. On the other hand, embodying the spirit of any of the three super-monikers above could do the trick.



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    SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

    God passionately wants you to remain just the way you are for as long as possible. He is deeply opposed to you shifting your opinions or revising your approach to life. Just look at how he has designed heaven: It's a perfectly tranquil place where nothing ever evolves. APRIL FOOL! In truth, God loves everything to change all the time -- you included. And in the coming days, She will be especially delighted when you move and shake your world. In solidarity with the restlessness of the Creator, I suggest you become a proud fluxaholic.



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    CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

    The moon is void of course on March 27, from 5:31 p.m. till 10:04 p.m. PST, and then again from 11:12 p.m. April 2 till 3:58 a.m. April 3. Don't even think about doing anything important, interesting, or innovative then. Likewise, you should hide in a closet while the moon squares Jupiter on the morning of March 28, refrain from stepping on sidewalk cracks while the moon squares Neptune at 2:16 p.m. March 30, and avoid dreaming of walking under ladders on the night of April 5, when the moon squares Venus. APRIL FOOL! The stars don't shape your future that specifically. Blind fate isn't relentlessly angling to ambush you. You aren't a helpless puppet enslaved to your conditioning. Imminent events will prove these truths beyond a doubt.



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    AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

    Yell at your TV. Don't make your bed. Impersonate a wolf. Convert your landlord to paganism. Try to build a flying saucer. Apply to Harvard. Put chili sauce on your chocolate candy. Feel sorry for a devious lawyer. Carry a six-pack of Red Tail Ale home from the store on a skateboard. Do whatever your Rice Krispies tell you to do. Have great sex on a long train ride. Tune in to the hidden agendas of people with tattoos of Kirstie Alley. Steal the lint from the dryers in a laundromat and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you secretly admire. APRIL FOOL! Only 12 of the above instructions can actually be justified by an analysis of current astrological aspects. Can you guess which one is bogus?



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    PISCES (Feb 19-March 20)

    In 2001, a man named Adam Burtle put his soul up for auction on the eBay Web site. Before officials stepped in and forbade the sale, bidding had reached $400. As far as I know, no one has ever tried a similar fund-raising stunt on any of the other popular auction sites. Given the current astrological omens, you Pisceans would be most likely to get away with it; I bet you'd also earn the highest bids and incur the smallest karmic penalty. Couldn't you use the extra bucks? Hey, it's all in fun. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing you, dear. In fact, you must raise your immunity to cute but evil propositions and fun but dumb invitations.
     
  2. beard

    beard Guest

    there's someone listening in..


    oh, and id just like to say to all you folks who have today and monday off.. you suck.
     
  3. I'll break the pause for rob

    Puzzles!!!
     
  4. Pilau Hands

    Pilau Hands Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 12, 2000 Messages: 5,159 Likes Received: 1
    hmm i'm feeling less empowered than usual.
    i was getting all ready for a get rich quick scheme, too.
     
  5. 768186

    768186 Guest

    :confused:
     
  6. Smart

    Smart Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 14, 2000 Messages: 17,017 Likes Received: 175
    I think I'm gonna have to go with #2, because #1 has the word 'fecund' in it... and #3 makes me a 'funwrestler'
     
  7. whoami

    whoami Guest

    i'm hung like a horse and as smart as einstein and they put all the dumb academy award qoutes in the leo section bastards..
     
  8. BROWNer

    BROWNer Guest

    fun little kiblet for you roe:

    i met this guy today thats an astrologer...this old hippy guy.
    nice guy...
    but...i don't know if you or anyone remember hearing about
    this, but he predicted diana's death. he even got interviewed
    by hard copy(! :) ). from spending a few hours with him, i'm
    pretty sure he's not a total quack, just a chilled out, nice cat.
    he also predicted bush's election victory and that he would
    lead us to war......no shitballs. he guessed what my sign
    was, and was off 4 days of my birthday and pretty much the same
    for my other 2 friends. not bad.
    and.....the creepy part..he thinks bush is gonna take a bullet.
    assasination style:eek:
     
  9. greedy mars

    greedy mars Guest

    i hate when you idiots post this...who gives a fuck really
     
  10. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    browner thas fucking creeped out man....that a pretty cool dood to split some coffee with...although id have to be carefully of what questions i want and what answers i dont....but a astrology can be just another way to turn the world around for a different view....can you come up with the guys name?
     
  11. BROWNer

    BROWNer Guest

    his name was mac...thats all i know.
     
  12. iCEBERG

    iCEBERG Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 22, 2001 Messages: 2,039 Likes Received: 0
    browner thats cause bush is the last president to be elected with the 00 at the end of the election date. according to the indians whoever is elected with a 00 in the end of the year up untill the year 2000 will die in office. check it out, if he does die in office that means the whole thing came true, down to the last president. hes the only to not have died from this "curse" so far during his presidency
     
  13. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    "his name was mac...thats all i know."



    this sound like the first line in a good book...

    mac, what a cool name for an astrologer...
     
  14. BROWNer

    BROWNer Guest

    :lol:
    he was a stylin' astrologer too..
    he was rockin' that full french
    feathered moustache steelo with
    a pony tail and white hair.
    i guess we'll see what happens(iceberg).
    i have to say it wouldn't surprise me.
     
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