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ferris bueller vs. zack morris

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by DETO, Jul 5, 2002.

  1. DETO

    DETO 12oz Loyalist

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    ferris bueller vs. zack morris

    Discussion started by DETO - Jul 5, 2002

    [​IMG]
     
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  2. Zack Morris

    Zack Morris 12oz Veteran Member

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    Zack Morris - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    when did we start fighting?
     
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  3. DETO

    DETO 12oz Loyalist

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    DETO - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    It's 8:01 AM - just after the school bell has stopped ringing - and two young, sly figures slip into the classroom, hoping to go undetected by the balding teacher at the front of the classroom. However, right before they can slink into their seats, the aging dinosaur of education turns on his heels with two pieces of paper.
    "Mr. Morris and Mr. Bueller, I do believe these belong to you," he says. I'll be seeing you both after school today... IN DETENTION!!"

    Zack Morris and Ferris Bueller trudge their way to the front of the room to receive the unwanted gifts and return to their desks, pondering their newfound dilemmas. Both of these high school studs had plans to meet their respective girlfriends after school for some "good ol' high school times," but with the newfound obstacle of detention, there may be problems.

    Suddenly, a lightbulb clicks on above Zack's head as a clever scheme enters his mind like a pack of bulls running through the streets of Pamplona. He glances over at Ferris, who has a cool demeanor on his face - letting Zack know that he's got a plan of his own.

    The game has begun. The teacher, being the stereotypical TV teacher, has a short attention span, is easily distracted, and has a glass eye, so he can only watch one of the boys at a time, allowing only one to escape.

    So Mike, which master of manipulation gets free to hang with his babe and enjoy the best years of his life?







    Well Justin, I must admit that this is a perplexing battle. That said, I'm going to have to side with Ferris on this one, and I'll tell you why.


    Zack, despite his outer shell of coolness, is really a "sweet" guy down deep. Nothing illustrates this better than the time they struck oil at Bayside. Even though he had a chance to go down as one of the richest, coolest kids in sitcom history, he passed it all up -- and why? BECAUSE A DUCK DIED. A DUCK! In fact, if I recall correctly, he never got away with ANYTHING he did. And why? Well, its because of a little theory of mine called, "The Sitcom Factor."

    Being in a sitcom, one tends to adhere to certain principles and rules, such as rule 3(a): "Any main character must fail at every evil scheme he/she devises, and in the process of failing, learn a valuable moral lesson."

    Zack must learn from his mistakes, and usually pay some sort of price (i.e, detention, grounding). Ferris has no such hindrance! He's no sitcom star! He can get away with anything! He has a long history (ok, maybe not LONG, but it's still a history) of getting OTHER people out of school, as well. He swung his woman out didn't he? Getting himself out will be child's play. Ferris in a rout.

    Mike, I should have expected you to root for the one man who could not possibly win this competition. Can't you see that your points to refute Zack only STRENGTHEN his case? Wait, what am I saying? Of course you can't. Sigh... let me draw it out for you.


    You're right, Zack IS "sweet" underneath -- but that's what gives him his edge! Deep down, people really like him - including people in power (i.e., principals). Zack puts the PAL in principal! He has Mr. Belding eating out of his hand, whereas Ferris has a history (but not a LONG history, which I will address later) of being the bitter enemy of school authorities. He doesn't know how to use the big guys towards his own advantage!

    Zack could not only trick Belding into not only TAKING HIS PLACE in detention, but also loaning Zack the Belding-Mobile and some cash to show Kelly "a good time" (which, in TV sitcom language, means a shake at "The Max"). Ferris foolishly makes his adversaries gun for him instead of working for him.

    As for the history aspect, Ferris only has one recorded episode such as this (except for a short-lived TV sitcom), which means that he doesn't have the experience to handle a situation like this. Zack has been here before! He's a veteran! Who do you give the ball to when the clock's winding down? Michael Jordan or some late round draft pick schmoe out of Idaho? (actually, I shouldn't ask YOU this question!) This is old hat to Morris. He'll be hanging out with his babe while Ferris is wondering why he hasn't been in any decent movies lately.

    If its true that ignorance is bliss, you must live in a perpetual state of euphoria, Justin. Honestly, I had some faith in your mental capabilities up until now. "Zack puts the PAL in principal"?!?! Come on man! At least TRY to put up a fight.


    I will cede you one point: Belding truly does like Zack. Let me liken it to a parent's love for their child. (Bear with me.) When your kid screws up, do you give them money, the car, and a slap on the back saying, "Hey, have a good time!"? Of course not! In fact, history has proven time and again that we are hardest on the ones we love most. Belding wants to see something good come out of Zack. His natural feeling is that he needs the corrective adjustments that only the detention hall can administer.

    However, in the case of that young rascal Ferris, his principal, Mr. Rooney, wants nothing more than for him to be expelled, suspended, and other future-threatening-occurrances. If you ask me, he'd probably HELP Ferris escape from detention, and then frame him. True, it's worse for Ferris in the long run, but the qualifier of this match is to see who gets out for a day of fun & women.

    Now, allow me to bring to light the key aspect that you've been hoping, or should I say dreading, that I not bring up: that's right compadre, I'm talking about Screech. No man short of Homer Simpson has the power to wreak havoc on carefully laid plans. Remember the Zit Creme Fiasco? Screech's flawed formula made everyone's face maroon and got Zack in trouble with Belding. Or how about when Zack figured he could take over school by getting Screech elected Hall Monitor? Zack carefully went to work, crafting his puppet regime, getting Screech elected.. and what does Screech do? SENDS EVERYONE TO DETENTION. Doh! On his birthday no less. I could go on and on.

    Zack, caught up in the rivalry between himself and Ferris, will undoubtedly ignore and insult Screech to the point where Screech wants to fight him. The rest of Zack's time in detention will be spent patching up his relationship with Screech and learning a valuable moral lesson. End of story.

    Mike, now I know why people like having you around: you give everyone around you an exaggerated sense of superiority. I find mysef becoming sick. Your insane idea that Screech would work against Zack is preposterous! Who does Ferris have at his disposal? Cameron? OOOOHHHHHHH! I'M AFRAID OF THE LITTLE WEENIE BOY WHO IS WORRIED ABOUT WHAT HIS DADDY THINKS!!! Please! If you're going to war, who would you bet on? The guy with the most troops, that's who.


    Zack has a legion of loyal friends at his disposal. Girls who swoon at his every word, and men who would crawl across a hundred meters of broken glass and rusty nails with their pants down for him. Clearly, with this great command of such a large army of willing troops, Zack cannot lose. With Jessie pretending to be Zack's mom, and Slater letting Mr. Belding "show" him some of Mr. B's old "wrestling tips," and Lisa's unlimited credit card, the scenarios to get Zack out of detention are unlimited! Cameron isn't going to do squat for Ferris because he doesn't want his daddy to get mad, to get in trouble, and to ruin his permanant record (which you and I both know, contains everything we've ever done and said in our entire lives).

    And, now for the crushing blow...what is the one thing that Zack has over Ferris (well, besides the hearts of teenage girls everywhere and not eighties freeks who are now in their thirties)? His own band! He's a rock star! And anyone who's anyone knows that rock stars can do whatever they please! They're above the law! Zack knows this and will use it to his advantage. All he has to do is tell Mr. B that if he doesn't get out of detention, the school will have to hire another band for homecoming. Belding (being a typical tightwad principal) will gladly let Zack out and erase Zack's permanent record (which is the dream of every seven year old boy who ever pushed a dog around like a wheelbarrow).

    Ferris can't compete with that! He had to lip synch the words to "Twist and Shout," for crying out loud. He's no singer. The only musical "ability" he's got is being able to program his little synthesizer to belch and cough on command. Ferris is just a wannabe, while Zack is a legit rock star - and if Michael Jackson has taught us anything, it's that rock stars can do what ever they want and get away with it.

    Zack will be serenading Kelly while Ferris sings his own pathetic blues song on the detention desk.

    Justin, I haven't heard an argument so fraught with error since the last time I attended a Flat Earth Society convention. Zack? A rock star? Has Jessie gotten YOU hooked on the goofballs too? They had a HIGH SCHOOL BAND that was to music what Plan 9 From Outer Space was to film -- a complete waste of time! They never got more than 2 gigs in their entire career! In fact, the only time they did something worthwhile was IN A DREAM. And that's about all they have left - dreams. Reality is about to come crashing down on the Bayside teens, and while they're dealing with interpersonal dramas, Ferris will be living the good life.

    Let's start with Jessie - not only did she get hooked on CAFFEINE PILLS over the pressure-cooker that is high school geometry, but she later went on to become a lap dancer in Vegas! Slater obviously went nowhere in life - he later went on to portray Greg Luganis is the critical and box office dud Breaking the Surface, and is currently headlining on the USA Network. Now there's something to hang your hat on. And Screech? The guy never even made it out of Bayside! You know what they say..."If you can't make it at Bayside, you can't make it ANYWHERE."

    And please: if Zack has a "legion of loyal fans," then Ferris is at the helm of a freaking armada. Get with it! The whole school was worried sick and ready to go to the ends of the earth for him after only ONE DAY OF ABSENCE. Now THAT'S power. And another thing: Zack always TALKED about all the girls he's dated, but how many have we actually seen? That's right -- there's only been about 4 or 5.

    Justin, you, like many other gullible people, have been caught up in a web of lies that I like to call Z.I.P. Namely, Zack's Insecurity Problem. He made it all up! In fact, I DEFY you to prove otherwise. Ferris, meanwhile, has the goods to back up the talk.

    One final note: Zack has to go on to college. He has an academic future ahead of him. Ferris could care less! He lives for today, and when you give no thought about tommorrow, you're invincible man -- INVINCIBLE! So, much to "the preppie's" chagrin, Ferris will have already made a bee-line to his bevy of beautiful babes while he's busy filling out scholarship applications.

    Mike, I haven't seen such a stupid acronym since the formation of P.U.L.P. (People Who Can't Spell)

    Z.I.P.? I will acknowledge it, but only in its proper form: the letters actually stand for Zack Is Perfect. And if that is the case, how can he be beaten? Now, note that I do not use the term perfect in the "holy" sense, but as a description of completion. The man is the prototypical "total package." Zack does what he wants, when he wants, and once he's made up his mind to do something, there's no stopping him. You don't get the title "coolest kid in school" by chance, man! He knows what it takes and can draw upon any number of episodes for reference in which he got out of many more complicated jams than this one. Get out of detention? Please! He did that no fewer than 100 times. Ferris? Well, talk about making it all up - I've certainly never seen him get out of detention! No, Zack has plenty of experience to fall back on, and lead him to the promised land (AKA "the Max").

    And as for living in today, who better to personify this mentality than Mr. Morris? If you were trying to make your fifteen minutes of fame stretch into seven years by way of a TV show that had to compete with the likes of the Smurfs for Saturday morning bragging rights, you'd live each Neilson-rated minute to its fullest! One wrong move, and the NBC gods will banish him to a menial job working at the previously mentioned "promised land" (cleaning toilets for the NBC gods, shudder, shudder!).

    Ferris already has his paycheck and royalties from his movie. His zest for life is gone! He's become lazy, not having even done a sequel. Sad, sad,sad. Zack's got something to fight for: money, power, his girl, and his future. What more do you need?
     
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  4. DEE38

    DEE38 12oz Loyalist

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    DEE38 - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    lol what is this shit all about?
    ---
    wait that didnt sound right *edit*
    ----

    Deto, how about Allah Nigga vs. someone?
     
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  5. AeRoSoL JuNkiE

    AeRoSoL JuNkiE 12oz Elite Member

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    AeRoSoL JuNkiE - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    Can we get a summary of what all went on there? I read a pargraph then gave up...
     
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  6. Dr. Dazzle

    Dr. Dazzle 12oz Veteran Member

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    Dr. Dazzle - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    yeah me too.....
     
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  7. Aeon

    Aeon New Jack

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    Aeon - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    dude thats a tough match up
     
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  8. Zack Morris

    Zack Morris 12oz Veteran Member

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    Zack Morris - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    so does that mean I get out fo detention?
     
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  9. DETO

    DETO 12oz Loyalist

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    DETO - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    i dunno yall decide who wins? i should have posted a poll.
     
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  10. Zack Morris

    Zack Morris 12oz Veteran Member

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    Zack Morris - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    you might be able to redo it into a poll...who knows...I want to know if i got out of detention
     
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  11. fAiLED cRiTQ

    fAiLED cRiTQ New Jack

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    fAiLED cRiTQ - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    i root for zach... he's cuter anyway. :p
     
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  12. swif1

    swif1 12oz Veteran Member

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    swif1 - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    that's a real good match up

    Z.I.T. where you at, nukkah?
     
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  13. DETO

    DETO 12oz Loyalist

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    DETO - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    i tried i couldn't i could make a whole new thread
     
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  14. Zack Morris

    Zack Morris 12oz Veteran Member

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    Zack Morris - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    well I think me and ferris should not be allowed to vote since our opnions will be biased.
     
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  15. socrates

    socrates Guest

    socrates - Replied Jul 5, 2002

    I don't know if you went over this in your essay on this conundrum but there is this one fact that you may have left out, you say but soc what could it be...Well there is one thing that no one can beat Zack on, he can stop time with the infamous TIMEOUT. Ferris can't touch that, he may have his suave moves with the kids but Zack can always get out of a sticky situation. This make Zack the obvious winner of the battle of these two young studs.