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ever feel like pain. (read please)

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by boxcarwilly, Jun 27, 2001.

  1. boxcarwilly

    boxcarwilly Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 8, 2000 Messages: 1,288 Likes Received: 0
    here is the situation, love real love supposedly strikes only ever so often, and mine hit like four years ago a cute girl my friends hated i loved, we loved we did everything together and we made plans for the future, forever. we lived together for three out of the four, and i was planning to propose next november, praying upon hope that it would be forever (well materially forever) and somewhat go eternal. well funny thing happened on my birth day last august, she didnt come home, i flipped thinking she wasnt okay like anyone who cares would have (i think) around 8am she hadnt come home i called her job, her sister, everyone her best friend, her job said she left at noon the day before to buy me a birthday present.
    well 9 am runs around and she comes in i have been crying all nite upset like thieves
    (*if you are still reading this thanks)
    and ask where she has been i have been worried sick, well she "slept over the babysitters" stomach and heart and everything i hold dear on the floor except the spit flying into her face, saying i called there where the fuck were you really? i went out to dinner with a boy i slept over nothing happens i swear, proceeding to punch fist through 3 300 dollar prints in glass frames (boxers fracture and glass shards to elbow) blood covering the floor, i spent my birthday crying and in the hospital while she went to work.
    we have been together on and off since, and now is an off period because she wants it, and expressed that she isnt caring the same as she did. now it has almost been a year, i spent the money for the ring on my india trip, and things have been so different, not living with her, not trusting but still loving and flipping out when she forgets me, i went from everything to not even a fleeting thought, i have acted nuts *psycho in her words, but i do not think i am over reacting i had plans forever and now i am empty stuck alone. i am trying to fill gaps in my life trying to look anew but i am still deathly in love. scarily. i am 23 i dont want to spend another four years falling to only get shards of glass in my bruised heart.

    (*thanks for real if you are still reading this.)
    now i hear things and find things out that she leaves out of hour long conversations and nights of sex. this coupled with the upcoming loss of one of the closest people in my life (my ex from 4yrs ago is most likely going to die by the end of the summer) and the lack of an apartment the hate of my job, the everything never working for me hence the jobe (read your bible)

    now here is the point i am trying to forgive and forget i am trying to move on but i get tears in my eyes and a pewk feeling in my stomach everytime i hear something or see her or dont get my phone calls returned promptly what the fuck do i do?
    am i crazy?
    so dismayed.
  2. Zack Morris

    Zack Morris Veteran Member

    Joined: Jun 23, 2001 Messages: 9,728 Likes Received: 4
    I feel ya...I really do. I had some stuff happen to me that was kinda close to what you said...its not really something I would type out onto the internet. Remember though even though she might not be "the one" some day you will meet a girl that will just blow her out of the water. Or atleast thats what I am hoping will happen to me. I do know how it feel to care so much for someone and them pretend that they don't even notice your alive, everytime you see them you get that strange feeling in your stomach and your throat gets all scratchy. But remember people change and someday that change will bring to something better than you could ever imagine...My heart goes out to you and I'm sorry about your ex that is really sick too.
  3. PIRone716

    PIRone716 Member

    Joined: Jun 5, 2001 Messages: 837 Likes Received: 1
    dude i feel ya,i got me a similar situation,where i've been with someone for so long and now shit isn't working out.flipping out on her,but still loving her to death...

    your ghetto if you pee in the shower...
  4. Smart

    Smart Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 14, 2000 Messages: 17,017 Likes Received: 178
    it's much easier to give advice than take it, but basically I'd say jetski... find someone else, or something else to do for a bit... like a year... then if you still feel like fuckin with it then see what you can do... again, sorry man... castles made of sand...

    2 Can Sam
  5. boxcarwilly

    boxcarwilly Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 8, 2000 Messages: 1,288 Likes Received: 0
    i know every thing is completely temporary but so hard it is to even fucking forget the feeling of pain of the heart when love resided there is worse then any pain i have ever felt, jetting is a possibility but still everytime i tried to run because she got to close i ran back with my tail between my legs. argh "why cant you just love me.... now bleed bitch bleed..." sorry quoting em is lame but this song is the epitome of the feeling, as is the song on the new blink about sappy lovesongs....
    "you said it was right you fucked up my life"
  6. TOY

    TOY New Jack

    Joined: May 16, 2001 Messages: 2 Likes Received: 0
    i have nothing to say because a have no one to love. its kind of nice this way cuz i dont have to deal with any relationship shit. no cheating on eachother, no heartaches, nothing. well at least i have girl friends that are truley the best girls i know and i would marry them all. i love you all, my friends that is.
  7. JinkZ aNd BrainZ

    JinkZ aNd BrainZ Member

    Joined: May 16, 2001 Messages: 453 Likes Received: 0
    hey dude. i went through th exact sam situation. shit isnt easy. i know how it felt to think about her and do anything to not cry. dude its love i went through that shit for like a month after we broke up. then the worst thing after we broke up is that she was goin around telling everybody that i was thi asshole and that i never did anything for her. well i turned down going on tour with less than jake, new found glory and teen idols to take her to dinner and to another show for her birthday. and that is just a little of all the shit i did and gave up for her. i mean i couldnt have dun anything more for her. and i know that now. but i use to think i coulda done this or i coulda done this. but yano just one person cant make the relation ship work. so dont get down on ur self. and gettin over her is just liek graff in the sence that someone that just starts writing can just be a king over night, just the same as u cant get over here over night especially if u loved her. only thing i can say that helped me alot was getting out with friends and doing shit that u didnt do as much as when u were with her. shit like that. chill with your boys. it'll come intime dude. just hang in and dont get ur self down.
  8. boxcarwilly

    boxcarwilly Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 8, 2000 Messages: 1,288 Likes Received: 0
    i have tried the replacement the new bike the new friends but it doesnt fill the gap i still sit at home choked up for one year cant move on and trying. thanks.
  9. brown twinkie

    brown twinkie Veteran Member

    Joined: Jan 6, 2001 Messages: 8,127 Likes Received: 0
    i'm with smart....bust outta there and get a breath of fresh air.
  10. PissyMissyStylezPMS

    PissyMissyStylezPMS New Jack

    Joined: Jun 15, 2001 Messages: 2 Likes Received: 0
    These situations rarely get better.
    In every relationship there is a balance of power. When that balance is uneven one partner flourishes while the other agonizes. It seems as if both you and your partner gew together and changed together. You probably aren't the same as when you first met. I do commend you for sticking by her though, but I think really sometimes you have to move on.
    Well since you shared your twisted tale of love here is mine.
    Love came at a time of desperation on my part. I was young and wanted nothing more then to be rescued. I underestimated my own strength and wit so I settled for much less then I should have. I fell real hard. It was that young first love type of fallen. We all know girls fall pretty hard....and he fell hard too. We were all we had. Maybe it wasn't even love but just desperation, so anyways here we were holding so tight we couldn't breathe. It only took one month for him to move in with me. Things were beautiful for those first few months. We'd wake up next to eachother and roll around on my bed kissing and laughing and everythign was alright. He got a job and we both moved into a really cute tiny apartment. It was all I ever wanted. Shit happened. He lost his job and hit the bottle really fucking hard. He hit the bottle and he crashed. Soon everything was gone. He was homeless had nowhere to go. His car was dying. His life was practically ending. Alcohol changed him. I watched him destruct. I was there all thenight he sat awake drunk and sobbing pleading that I slit his throat in his sleep. I was there when nobody else was. We became so close it was sick. Soon he changed. He became so upset with where his life was going he just snapped. He became very abusive. I hurt somuch for him, but I knew I had to leave him. It took alot of strength and alot of on and off between me and him. I just couldn't bear to leave him in such a frail state. Finally I knew I had to end it. I knew it was becoming too much. Now I was drinking and wanting to die. I knew that if I didn't end it me and him were both going to kill ourselves together. We'd plan it out even. Finally I ended it. He flipped and did a shitload of coke and moved. I hear now he's all fucked up on heroin and not doing well. After all the fucked up things he did to me which are too painful to mention on this board my heart still goes out to him.
    Love is fucked.
  11. I know that nothing I will say can mend the way you feel, but I went through a similar situation. I was with a girl for 2 years...I loved her more than anything, and spent almost every waking moment with her. Well, I embarked on a roadtrip with my family to Florida, and when I got there I called immediately to find out how things were going. She then proceeded to tell me that she met some guy at her work who was really cool and funny (and insisted she was not attracted to him) and that theyd been hanging out for a few days. I was like, um ok...I miss you, and called her the next day. She was with him when I called. Then the next day she said she was going to call me. She never did. I called her the next day and still no answer. Later that night she called me and proceeded to tell me that she was with this guy all night "talking". So I instantly felt taken advantage of. I told her I had to go, and the rest of my trip was spent not talking to her going through the most agonizing withdrawl of my life. I couldnt sleep, couldnt smile not knowing what was going on with my girlfriend. Anyways...I got back to my house and called her....her brother answered and said she was at a wedding with this guy. So I get even more sad and pissed. I finally talk to her the next day when she calls me. Turns out she was cheating on me the whole time. While I lied awake agonizing over her she was with this other guy. She broke up with me over the phone, and I hung up and cried all night. It sucked more than anything ever has....Well about a month went by and she quit seeing that guy. Me being the moron I am took her back when she came back begging. We stayed together for about another year then 2 nights before christmas I got arrested for a drinking warrant, and called her to bail me out. She hung up on me. I called my parents...they told me that I was a fucking loser and they hope I stay in jail. I ended up bonding out on my own with the $500 I had in my wallet which I was going to use to buy her christmas present the next day. Out of luck and deperately looking to win her affection and forgiveness I sold 3 of my favorite NorthFace jackets and a bunch of electronics. I used ALL the money to buy her a $300 watch and a very expensive Burton bag.
    I gave them to her on christmas, and then she broke up with me that night. After giving me a shitty $50 pocket watch and a letter telling me how I need to grow up. I cried all night and was too stupid and whipped over her to ask for the stuff back. The next day I went into work, and when I went to pick up my schedule they told me I was fired and to never come back. So There I was no Girlfriend, No money, No job, and so I decide to call my best friend to go paint. He tells me to fuck off, hangs up and doesnt call me for a week. ( no idea why ) Then I go home, and my parents tell me to get the fuck out of my house. So mustering the little energy to live that I have, I call my now-x girlfriend to talk to her. She tells me she feels awful and offers to go to a show with me on newyears. I accept, and come new years there is no way to get ahold of her. So I go to the show alone... When I got into the show, an old friend comes up to me and says, "dude if I were you I'd just leave right now." Im like what the fuck?! and she tells me that my x was at the show. I get an excited feeling hoping that there was just a miscommunication problem, and when I get over to talk to her, I see her with another guy, totally drunk and stoned. (She was sXe for 3 years and was totally against drinking and drugs) Anyways...she tells me she fucking hates me, and slaps me for no reason. The guy shes with starts laughing, and then a few of his friends show up threatening to kick my ass. I left the show, went home and tied a wire to the basement ceiling and wrapped it around my neck. I was just standing there on that stool crying and the phone rang. No one was home (everyone was out partying and celebrating the new year) so the phone just rang and rang...the answering machine picked up and it was my good friend offering to come over and go to downtown to celebrate new years with me. I didnt know what to do, and just stood there crying. After about 10 minutes, I untied the wire, and fell onto my bed sobbing. I ended up going out with my friend as if nothing ever happened and trying to salvage my shitty life. I somehow pulled through after reading my bible and praying consistantly, and after about six months went by, she came crawling back again. I didnt take her back, but yesterday I did let her buy me lunch and give me a blowjob while watching The fast and the furious.
    Id say the moral of my story is that you gotta get into the mindset that YOU matter, and FUCK her. FUCK her. FUCK her. try to look at the beautiful girls in starbucks, go to coffee shops and hang out. Lift weights at the gym...just try your hardest to move on and keep praying that youll find the girl that youre meant to be with because it will happen. If you need to talk, My aim name is:

    hit me up and we'll talk. i hope you feel better man.
  12. boxcarwilly

    boxcarwilly Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 8, 2000 Messages: 1,288 Likes Received: 0
    i left out the suicide details of the birthday events... because i know how serious implications of them are on this board with recent losses hitting hard. but they were there... needless to say while in the hospital for the glass injury *falling in to a window* they question the vertical *right way* wrist scars. i dunno love sucks and thanks alot to everyone. big snots to aeon hands over a kleenex.
  13. Jesus of Nazareth

    Jesus of Nazareth Senior Member

    Joined: Dec 6, 2000 Messages: 2,388 Likes Received: 1
    Damn. My heart goes out to almost everyone who posted a story in this thread......I'd like to say "sorry" again to keep, and just......damn.
  14. dik.n.ur.ear

    dik.n.ur.ear Senior Member

    Joined: Jan 5, 2001 Messages: 1,556 Likes Received: 0
  15. alkaline

    alkaline Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 2, 2001 Messages: 3,097 Likes Received: 0
    Hey boxcarwilly,
    Sometimes when you put your heart on the line, it gets crushed. Sometimes things fall apart before you’ve even realized. That’s the nature of the universe (it’s called entropy). All I can say is to keep your head up. CoreyHaimIsMyRoleModel is right when he says, “…you gotta get into the mindset that YOU matter, and FUCK her. FUCK her. FUCK her.” Right now it seems like you are at a crucial point in your relationship with this girl. She knows that you still love her. She knows that you miss her. She knows that she can use that to her advantage (not that she’s a bad person, it’s just that when one person has a weakness, the other person will usually use it to manipulate said person). I myself have been through some crappy situations. Once, I almost got arrested because of a girl. I’ve lost friends because of girls. I’ve had my heart ripped out and stomped on with stiletto heels. Some people say that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Had someone told me this a year ago, I would have responded with, “Try it.” I was miserable. It took a little more than two years for me to get over my ex. For the first six months, I didn’t want anything to do with anybody else in the world (which is kind of a serious thing for me since I suffer from depression). My girlfriend and my twin brother were the only two people that I could ever talk to about my problems. Suddenly my girlfriend was gone, and since my brother was in the Army and stationed a thousand miles away, he wasn’t really any help either. After two years of me worrying about only me I had come to some conclusions about life, love and myself and I felt like I was ready to move on. A little over a month ago, I went out with a girl that I had known for a while through work. We’ve been together ever since. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but good or bad, I’m ready. You will be too someday.
    That’s kind of a lot to say just to get to this, but live your own life. If you have to, pack some essentials in a duffel bag and get in your car (or on a bus if you don’t have a car) and get out of town. There must be a city somewhere in this country that you’ve always wanted to go to. When you get there, get a job (it doesn’t matter where) and check in to a hostel (they are cheaper than hotels), and stay for as long as it takes. If need be repeat the same process in another city. Spend time by yourself, but don’t forget to make new friends too. Before long, you’ll be ready to move on.
    I hope I’ve helped in some way. Hit me up on my e-mail if you want.

    [email protected]