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dont trust your horoscope with any joe schmoe...ROB

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by mental invalid, Jun 14, 2002.

  1. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    rainy fridays are kinda cool....

    ARIES (March 21-April 19)

    Have you had any productive fantasies about faraway places or exotic sanctuaries or mercurial X-factors lately? Have you sent any messages to freedom-fighters or remote beauties or high-flying networkers? Have you been monitoring the progress of unsung helpers or dark horses or unification specialists who are flying under the radar? If you'll notice, Aries, I'm hinting that in the near future, everything will come in threes -- except when it comes in twos, and that'll mean you should track down the missing third. As a general rule, there are no other general rules, except this: Don't make the call of the wild wait and wait and wait.


    TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

    It looks like the war in heaven has been downgraded to a mere skirmish in your mind. And even that may soon be winding down into nothing more than a kind of pillow fight or tickling match. Already I can envision the lonely bull and sacred cow striking up a hot bargain over a soundtrack of futuristic love songs. Already I foresee the red-eyed angel apologizing for the rude oversights and coming to fling a few blessings on anyone who's alert enough to grab them.


    GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

    The Amish people follow strict customs that dramatically set them apart from the rest of us. In a quest for simplicity, they refrain from using electricity and driving cars. Their clothes are ascetic and old-fashioned, and they don't use alcohol or drugs. Even battery-operated TVs are taboo, since they'd allow Amish households to be invaded by our culture's vulgarity. Yet these understated folks also have a tradition called rumspringa, or "running around." At age 16, every member of the community is given the opportunity to try on the crazy values of the outside world. If after a period of carousing they decide they prefer the quiet life they grew up with, they're welcomed back. I encourage you to consider going on your own version of rumspringa in the coming weeks, Gemini. Escape from your familiar customs, and try on beliefs and styles you've always wondered about.


    CANCER (June 21-July 22)

    Writing for TheSpark.com, Christian Rudder asserts that not only do Eskimos have 34 words for snow, they also have 47 terms meaning, "This sucks." I hope this serves as inspiration for the assignment the heavenly omens have authorized me to give you, Cancerian, which is to purge all the bile from your system in one fell swoop. You heard me right. Set aside an hour when you will perform a Ritual of Arrrrgggghhhhh. Express every last drop of disgust, resentment, self-pity, irritation, and anger that is infecting your beautiful organism. Come up with 47 ways to express the sentiment, "This sucks." There is a method in my madness, I assure you. By thoroughly disgorging the backlog of toxic psychic waste, you will create a clean, empty space into which sweet blessings can flow in the weeks after this.


    LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

    Now in his 80s, Jim Bellows served as an editor for several influential American newspapers. Recently he published a book about his legendary career. It's ambitiously called The Last Editor: How I Saved the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Los Angeles Times from Dullness and Complacency. Please borrow the spirit of Bellows' subtitle, Leo, and use it to name your own life story for a while. Try something like How I Saved Everyone I Like and Even Some People That Annoy Me from Dullness, Complacency, Mediocrity, and Apathy.


    VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

    "My house is stuck in fast forward," begins a sixth-grade student's response to a creative writing assignment. "The moment you walk in, you are sucked into another dimension. It reeks with sound and motion. Stillness does not exist. TVs are babbling without being watched. Music is blaring without being heard. Tomorrow night's dinner is cooking. Schedules on the wall shout deadlines through 2004." I present this testimony, Virgo, in the hope that it will move you to undo and dissolve anything in your own sphere that resembles the mood it describes. You can't be even mildly successful in the coming weeks unless you slowwwww wwwwway down.


    LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

    I love how undignified some spectators allow themselves to be at professional sports events. With no concern for how ridiculous others might think them, they wear giant foam rubber hats resembling cheese wedges. They paint their bellies with the home team's insignia and go shirtless outdoors in sub-freezing weather. They scream nonsense words and make strange faces and wave their arms in frantic salutes. I suspect that some of these folks might be bodhisattvas in disguise -- wise tricksters modeling the beauty and power of being oblivious to appearing foolish. I sometimes recommend this approach to life, Libra -- especially now that you're in a phase of your astrological cycle when it's crucial not to take anything too seriously.


    SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

    Believing in things you can't see may sometimes be hazardous to your intelligence, but then so is a fanatical faith in the infallible authority of the scientific method. This theme will be especially apropos for you in the coming week, Scorpio, when superstitious spouters of mumbo-jumbo will be fighting it out with know-it-alls who try to cloak their irrationality and emotional biases in reasonable language. So what is a truth-loving Scorpio to do? I say take the middle path between the frothy believers and the dogmatic skeptics. Be both a practical mystic and a lover of supple objectivity.


    SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

    If I hung out with you this week, Sagittarius, I'd probably feel fascination and agitation mixed with sweetness and confusion. Being in your presence might have a resemblance to lounging in a hot tub while hassling on the phone with a friend whose feelings I'd hurt. Being with you might be like dancing to inspiring music all night around a beach bonfire with my tribe, knowing that earlier that day my landlord had given me notice and I had to start looking for a new place to live. Being with you in the coming days might have a certain similarity to eating pizza-flavored ice cream, or watching "Fear Factor" on TV with the sound off while listening to a New Age meditation CD. No, my dear, you definitely won't be boring.


    CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

    I'm here today to read you your rights, Capricorn: 1. You have the right to prove you're not chicken without actually playing chicken. 2. You have the right to put fewer hours into building other people's fantasies and more hours into building your own. 3. You have the right to stop trying to meet the right people in the wrong places. 4. You have the right to remain silent, but I wouldn't advise it. 5. You have the right to ignore the flavor of the week and the fad of the month so you'll be fully available when the tough love opportunity of the year comes along.


    AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

    The brilliant San Francisco Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll recently corrected some misinformation he'd provided in an earlier piece. "My dreamy view of the dissent during the Civil War was perhaps just a tiny bit completely wrong," he noted, then went on to admit that President Lincoln ruthlessly quashed dissidents. "My apologies to the truth," Carroll concluded. I love that line. It suggests the truth is a living entity with which one can have a relationship. Which brings me to my point, Aquarius. I urge you to have a long conversation with the truth, summing up the recent developments between you. You could start with something like, "I never knew how gorgeous and sexy you are."


    PISCES (Feb 19-March 20)

    I've noticed an uncanny uniformity of theme arising in the Piscean experience lately. Members of the Fish tribe have been emailing me in unusually large numbers, seeking my help in addressing what they have variously called "an ambition deficiency," "a missing rung on the ladder of success," and "a lagging fire in the belly." Here's my counsel: Tune in intensely to your feeling of alarm about the deficit. It's the best possible way to activate your sleeping reserves of ingenuity and passion. In other words, the best cure for your lack of motivation is to get upset about it.
  2. DETO

    DETO Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 25, 2002 Messages: 11,348 Likes Received: 155
    ima write a book. :confused:


    I find it weird that mine always apply to me
  4. BULLSEYE!!!
    Things like that make rob, Rob!
  5. A Fire Inside

    A Fire Inside Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 5, 2001 Messages: 1,836 Likes Received: 0
    Whoooooooooohoooo! I'm not going to be boring!

    Rainy friday's kinda suck when you're supposed to go paint before work.
  6. -Rage-

    -Rage- 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Apr 12, 2001 Messages: 11,276 Likes Received: 71

    Oh my god. That is the coolest horoscope I've ever read.
  7. Giving Tree

    Giving Tree Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 26, 2001 Messages: 1,111 Likes Received: 0
    "and the low-ride-er gets a little lower...."

    word. horoscopes are shit unless you get them from 12oz.
  8. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    just so everyone knows the deal:


    hahahahaha.....no i aint rob, although i do own a few books, but im nowhere near how perceptive and "with it" as this cat....nevermind the fact the way he spews the shit is so well thought and creative well i would say he is part poet for sure....

    like ive always said, i take as it is...its no fortune predictor....consider it just an alternative idea to tweek your psyche and make you turn the mirror of reality upside down...

    one last thought....getting scopes you dig and or are "right on", are great, but pay attention to the ones you dont get or dont like, the meaning lies in your reaction....there is more there

    just my .02.....later
  9. beardo

    beardo Guest

    can you watch the stars
  10. mental invalid

    mental invalid Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 11, 2001 Messages: 13,050 Likes Received: 8
    yeah, im "looking at stars" 24/7 dooder....;)
  11. beardo

    beardo Guest

    haha.. funny how that worked out..
  12. --zeSto--

    --zeSto-- Guest

    I have a crush on the Truth.
    I'd like to get all warm and snuggly with the truth.
    I'll make the Truth feel like a natural woman.

    go get em' tiger!
  13. BROWNer

    BROWNer Guest

    wow...."..lover of supple objectivity"..
  14. yoshy

    yoshy Member

    Joined: Jun 23, 2000 Messages: 738 Likes Received: 0
    i am ready for my hour of bile purging god damn it.