Dedication for the love of an angel.

I was supposed to go to a wedding, instead I went to a funeral. (literally)

It seems this cruel irony is thematic in my life.

My girlfriend (ex? we were off and on... it's complicated. I wish my life was pure and simple like those country music songs and love songs. I've been listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart constantly.) overdosed on medication.

In trying to protect her from my problems, I unwittingly killed her. I didn't know she needed me so badly. If I could take it all back, I would live the few days I have left with her forever. I'm pretty messed up... I just thought she should have someone more normal, or at least with a decent life expectancy. She was bipolar. But she wasn't crazy, she was crazy about me. I constantly ask myself if I had married her, not only might she be alive, she might have been cured as well. I just didn't understand. I thought maybe she would get better in time, but she didn't. She kept missing me. I should've kept closer tabs on her but it's hard, she's about 3 hours away from me. I realized belatedly that one of the last things she did was to try to call me. As my misfortune would have it, my cell phone was acting up that night. I have my foot so far up my ass I have my foot in my mouth too.

She was so beautiful, in every way. She was phillipina, she lived near phillidelphia, she has a large, loving family of good values, the kind that's hard to find in america these days, they loved me and welcomed me as well, she lived in a beautiful home, she worked at a hospital that specialized in heart care. She was very traditional. She was truly an angel. She was my joy. She was everything I wanted. But I was scared. I saw such beauty and perfection and goodness, I thought my raggedy self could only bring problems. My life had to be fucked up. But she loved me for who I was, in spite of all that. If I had known it hurt her more to not be with me, we could have been happy together till the end of our days. Instead I sided with my bitterness at life... I just wanted what was best for her.

She requested to donate her heart. I assume because I broke it.

I know this is hard to swallow. I can hardly believe it myself. It sounds so melodramatic but it's the honest to god truth.

It hurts so bad. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. And now there is nothing in the world I can do to get her back. I just hope she understands and forgives me. Her family is torn apart... all because of me. Her brother almost beat the living shit out of me. But they have forgiven me. They are awesome people. I guess they have realized that she had problems of her own and I'm not wholly to blame, but honestly I wish I was dead. I wasn't there when she needed me... I was wishing I could die of a heart attack in her arms there on the hospital bed and take that final journey with her. But I guess it wasn't my time to go, and there was already so much trauma.

I love her so much. I hope to see her again someday.

Sorry to get all emo on everyone here... But I only have 2 friends IRL and we don't talk much and they are a thousand miles away (she was my best) and the family and I don't talk all that much and they are a thousand miles away too and I can't get a hold of anybody... or is it I'm trying to talk to her. I need a psychic medium or something. I wish ROB would've given me some warning or something, somebody... anybody. I guess the heavens were cloudy that night. I feel like the Architect. So blind, cold, logical. I had a chance to be happy, a love unbelievably strong and true... and I had no idea.

God bless you angel. I love you. RIP.

what you wrote just brought a tear to my eye. i am really really sorry to read about this villain; i truly hope you don't blame yourself for this tragedy.

jeeze man, that was touching.

they say that time heals all, but not without help.

If you feel like it's really tearing you up inside,

you should probably find someone to talk to.

Love stories always seem to start so simple,

but they never end that way. Hold it down.

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to stay strong, but I'm losing direction. My life has been a downward spiral practically since birth... I'm wondering if I'm cursed or something. Maybe the world is better off without me.

I'm talking to a psychiatrist tommorow.

It's so hard. My eyes are raining.

dude.... there's no reason to think that life would be better without you.

some people actually make their life usefull at 85 and all the years before that were just spent waiting around. But man... if you dont get to do that shit at 85.... then there'll be hell to pay. We all have some kind of task to perform and a lot of struggles before we even know what it is.

hold tight man. there's still a lot in store for all of us.

damn, that was pretty heavy.

what did you mean by:

Originally posted by villain

I'm pretty messed up... I just thought she should have someone more normal, or at least with a decent life expectancy

??

Originally posted by villain

She requested to donate her heart. I assume because I broke it.

Holy fucking emo, batman....

But really, sorry for your loss. RIP

and don't even think about killing yourself...i'm serious. we get real silly in here 90 percent of the time, but believe it or not, i care about the faceless people who frequent this place; whose user names i recognize; who have meaningful posts to contribute...

and you are one of those people villain. please hang in there...

villain, my heart goes out to you bro..

i can't purport to know what you're feeling or

what to even say that would make you feel

anything, but for what it's worth, you seem like

a genuine true blue dude, and i hope you can hold

your head and realize that life is all over the map and

that journey is totally worth it no matter what

the obstacles.

rest in peace.

Originally posted by slave_one

and don't even think about killing yourself...i'm serious. we get real silly in here 90 percent of the time, but believe it or not, i care about the faceless people who frequent this place; whose user names i recognize; who have meaningful posts to contribute...

 

and you are one of those people villain. please hang in there...

Ditto.

I'm really at a loss for words. Sorry things had to happen to ya the way that they did. But you're still here, so make the most of it.

RIP.

(Just curious, was this very recently?)

Originally posted by Mr. ABC

damn, that was pretty heavy.

 

 

what did you mean by:

 

 

 

??

Well... among the most significant, my several concussions and major brain damage from being drugged by some sadistic fuckers (ether bunny) and my cracked vertebrae... Basically I had a bad attitude and my life expectancy is not so great, quality of life etc. I always treated her like a queen though... I just didn't keep her because I knew I was fading away someday and didn't want to hurt her... But now she's dead. That was supposed to be me on that hospital bed. Damnit.

Life can change completely so suddenly. Don't ever take anything for granted.

I love you Angel.

Originally posted by slave_one

and don't even think about killing yourself...i'm serious. we get real silly in here 90 percent of the time, but believe it or not, i care about the faceless people who frequent this place; whose user names i recognize; who have meaningful posts to contribute...

 

and you are one of those people villain. please hang in there...

Thanks you all.

It's good to know there is true e-motion with e-friends... We all have pieces of our lives here... I know that when she died (in a coma by saturday morning and clinically dead by sunday) I just wanted to absorb as much of her prescence as I could. I poured over photos and her diaries and sketches and paintings and sculptures.... It was like I couldn't get enough because she was gone. It makes me wonder when we die if our loved ones will pour over our posts at 12oz like I did over her remnants. It brings new meaning to this thing we treat so nonchalantly....

just keep your head up is all i can say.No matter how bad it gets sooner or later it will get better.It is sad you lost someone you cared for but you must remember the good times not the bad.Stay strong and you will make it through your ruff time.

Villain-

I'm just so sorry. I've written about 6 paragraphs that all seemed to be

superficial babbling that couldn't possibly help, so I'll keep it to this:

You are still alive.

Pain is what lets you realize that you can still feel, that you are still alive,

that there is still more for you to learn. Please stick through.. realize that

if she was that desperate for you, you must truly have been a great person

to her. You made her happy, and although problems got in the way,

nothing will change that you made her happy.

Please take care. Prayers for you.

RIP

Originally posted by villain

Thanks you all.

It's good to know there is true e-motion with e-friends... We all have pieces of our lives here... It makes me wonder when we die if our loved ones will pour over our posts at 12oz like I did over her remnants. It brings new meaning to this thing we treat so nonchalantly....

yes definitely. although sometimes it's hard to differentiate whose telling the truth around here, your posts are genuine. i recall you mentioning that she was lurking around here if i am right? did she ever post? i can't help but feel that perhaps she wanted to reach out but didn't bcuz most of the time, we have this awful tendency to make fun of newcomers in channel zero...i feel bad now...

Crap, I’m really sad now. Villain, man, you said you feel like the Architect, almost. So don’t go blaming yourself for your angel’s death. Browner put things very well, so read his post. Things happen for a reason, and this is no exception. I have the misfortune of not knowing many intelligent people in real life. You are one of the people that make 12oz a learning experience, and actually fun for me to look at. It’s a guarantee that you’re a cool person in real life, I know it. I’m a hundred percent positive you have big things ahead of you, so don’t think about doing something stupid. Don’t even worry about being forgiven for anything, you’re not to blame. Sorry, bro. I know this is a complicated situation, but chin up, ‘ol boy.

Originally posted by I-Patch-Clan

just keep your head up is all i can say.No matter how bad it gets sooner or later it will get better.It is sad you lost someone you cared for but you must remember the good times not the bad.Stay strong and you will make it through your ruff time.

Thanks....

I will always remember.... Somehow she managed to reach out to me..... God her last message to me she could hardly breath, she couldn't even talk and she sounded like she had a hard time hanging up the phone... but she still managed to dial my number somehow... Oh God.....

I wish I would have got her message sooner.

It's so hard...

I've been stuck in this sack of flesh for 26 years.... I knew this was going to be a hard year for me but I never expected it to be this hard.... I've often questioned my purpose many times before but never as much as this.... She needed me to be with her.... But I thought she'd be better off without me.... I didn't want to get out of the military.... I wasn't sure if I could even find a job with the economy the way it is.... I wanted to go to college.... All this is frivoulous compared to her life.

S@T@N: Thanks for the kind words.... Yes it's good to know I made her happy.... Her mother said she lived life to the fullest... She was personable and friendly when she went to her nephews baptism.... she was very kind and happy and friendly last time I saw her in life.... It's like she wanted to leave us with good memories of her.... If she only knew how much I really cared about her.

slave_one: I'm afraid she never did post. If I recall correctly you promised to be kind to her. Thank you so much. She was intimidated... Graffiti seems to be the only artform that berates it's newcomers. That's pretty sad. I myself never made fun of toys. I always got picked on alot myself so I don't like to do that to others since I know how it feels. She had self esteem problems in the first place so that didn't help. Our culture in america is very critical and derisive. She thought she wasn't pretty enough or smart enough.... I told her that wasn't true... and besides the most important thing is love.... and she had more than enough of that.

Weapon_X: Thanks to you. Sometimes I think I'm just spoiling the fun by being so serious but it's good to know you appreciate the work I put in.... and it is like work sometimes. But work has been a big motivator for me for a long time. I found regimen and routine gave my life a kind of meaning and purpose... even though it leaves me feeling empty inside. Something to keep me busy... keep my mind off the pain.... It's like therapy. I wish I would have chosen happiness.... instead my rage blinded me from the truth. Yes I read BROWNers post.... life truly is all over the map... I just wish I had the mission plan. Vision is 20/20 in hindsight. If God has a divine plan, mankind is fucking it all up.

It's so hard. She was the closest person in the world to me.... even after we broke up. But her doubts won her over. I'm so sorry.

I'm at a loss for words, so short and simply:

I'm really unsure how to approach this due to religon issues, but she is in a better place with a greater power. Presumably with all of our angels.

You said something about not having many friends, but I seem to remember a post about 22,900 people on here. Someone is always willing to talk.

RIP..

RIP. I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you're feeling right now, so I know I can't fully empathize with you. Regardless, I give you my best.

And word to what Clue just said below. Getting on here and talking is much, much better than holding it all inside. If you're willing to talk, know that others on here are more than willing to listen and respond.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. There's no words to say .

what a world we live in my friends.

Transcendentialist@hotmail.com

i may not be able to console you as much as a psychiatrist but you need some random jibber jabber hit me up nukka.

Jesus Christ man... I don't know what to say. That is truly a terrible experience, it's almost incomprehensible in scope and definition.

I'm with those here who have mentioned you being one of the few that keep this place awesome, and I simply refuse to believe that none of that is reflected in your real life towards others. Stick around... everyone around you will appreciate it.

RIP

Appreciated ClueTwo... I know there are no magic words that are going to bring her back but S@T@N called it superficial babbling, which it is not. I hardly think anything is superficial anymore. After losing her everything seems so important. Maybe it's cause I'm seeing her life in everything.... she could be anywhere. But definately yes she is in a better place. Too bad.... she was pure gold. I was driving lost through the hills of pennsylvania and I picked up some hitchhikers... we came across a deer and one of the hitchhikers said "I hate deer, they can mess up your car..." And I responded almost automatically "I love deer.... And thankfully I haven't hit one yet..." And I was just appreciating the beauty of everything like I was a child again.... I found myself wishing I was painting landscapes with her. I can't remember the last time I had such a passion and love for art and beauty. But it was a brief moment of a dream of memories I never had.... I found myself doing that alot.

I suppose there are plenty of people to talk to on here. In particular though I thank you all for your support. I know you don't come on here to look for posts like this. So thank you for sharing with me.

R.I.P.

as soon as u get a chance get some help,fuck it talk to us nigga we'll listen and we do care cuz we would need someone to talk to if this happened to us .but u gotta remember eveything happens for a reason and everyone is here for a certain task. ull figure it out dont give in

keep your loved wuns in your heart but keep ur head up they would want u to keep goin trust........im sorry man , my condolences

Stay strong man I know it's hard to deal with i've had 2 close deaths! Don't do anything she wouldn't want you to do.

I'm confused how did she die?

But anyway that sucks..just keep your head up and give it time.

overdosed on medication

villain...theres not much i could say that hasnt already been sed. but i do feel for u. not at all as much as possible since uve been fortunate thus far...

Definately realize and let sink what has been said here by ur fellow 12oz'ers, friends here.

Your alive.

Live it.

and R.I.P.

Harsh.

Sorry bout your loss. Bipolar disorder is serious, and many people are not able to get through it. Don't blame yourself, even though it's going to be hard to do that for a long time. Don't let it wear you down.