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Dedication for the love of an angel.

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by villain, Jun 24, 2004.

  1. villain

    villain Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2002 Messages: 5,190 Likes Received: 2
    I was supposed to go to a wedding, instead I went to a funeral. (literally)

    It seems this cruel irony is thematic in my life.

    My girlfriend (ex? we were off and on... it's complicated. I wish my life was pure and simple like those country music songs and love songs. I've been listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart constantly.) overdosed on medication.

    In trying to protect her from my problems, I unwittingly killed her. I didn't know she needed me so badly. If I could take it all back, I would live the few days I have left with her forever. I'm pretty messed up... I just thought she should have someone more normal, or at least with a decent life expectancy. She was bipolar. But she wasn't crazy, she was crazy about me. I constantly ask myself if I had married her, not only might she be alive, she might have been cured as well. I just didn't understand. I thought maybe she would get better in time, but she didn't. She kept missing me. I should've kept closer tabs on her but it's hard, she's about 3 hours away from me. I realized belatedly that one of the last things she did was to try to call me. As my misfortune would have it, my cell phone was acting up that night. I have my foot so far up my ass I have my foot in my mouth too.

    She was so beautiful, in every way. She was phillipina, she lived near phillidelphia, she has a large, loving family of good values, the kind that's hard to find in america these days, they loved me and welcomed me as well, she lived in a beautiful home, she worked at a hospital that specialized in heart care. She was very traditional. She was truly an angel. She was my joy. She was everything I wanted. But I was scared. I saw such beauty and perfection and goodness, I thought my raggedy self could only bring problems. My life had to be fucked up. But she loved me for who I was, in spite of all that. If I had known it hurt her more to not be with me, we could have been happy together till the end of our days. Instead I sided with my bitterness at life... I just wanted what was best for her.

    She requested to donate her heart. I assume because I broke it.

    I know this is hard to swallow. I can hardly believe it myself. It sounds so melodramatic but it's the honest to god truth.

    It hurts so bad. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. And now there is nothing in the world I can do to get her back. I just hope she understands and forgives me. Her family is torn apart... all because of me. Her brother almost beat the living shit out of me. But they have forgiven me. They are awesome people. I guess they have realized that she had problems of her own and I'm not wholly to blame, but honestly I wish I was dead. I wasn't there when she needed me... I was wishing I could die of a heart attack in her arms there on the hospital bed and take that final journey with her. But I guess it wasn't my time to go, and there was already so much trauma.

    I love her so much. I hope to see her again someday.

    Sorry to get all emo on everyone here... But I only have 2 friends IRL and we don't talk much and they are a thousand miles away (she was my best) and the family and I don't talk all that much and they are a thousand miles away too and I can't get a hold of anybody... or is it I'm trying to talk to her. I need a psychic medium or something. I wish ROB would've given me some warning or something, somebody... anybody. I guess the heavens were cloudy that night. I feel like the Architect. So blind, cold, logical. I had a chance to be happy, a love unbelievably strong and true... and I had no idea.

    God bless you angel. I love you. RIP.
  2. slave_one

    slave_one Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 4, 2003 Messages: 2,745 Likes Received: 2
    what you wrote just brought a tear to my eye. i am really really sorry to read about this villain; i truly hope you don't blame yourself for this tragedy.
  3. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2
    jeeze man, that was touching.

    they say that time heals all, but not without help.
    If you feel like it's really tearing you up inside,
    you should probably find someone to talk to.

    Love stories always seem to start so simple,
    but they never end that way. Hold it down.
  4. villain

    villain Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2002 Messages: 5,190 Likes Received: 2
    Thanks everyone. I'm trying to stay strong, but I'm losing direction. My life has been a downward spiral practically since birth... I'm wondering if I'm cursed or something. Maybe the world is better off without me.
    I'm talking to a psychiatrist tommorow.
    It's so hard. My eyes are raining.
  5. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2
    dude.... there's no reason to think that life would be better without you.

    some people actually make their life usefull at 85 and all the years before that were just spent waiting around. But man... if you dont get to do that shit at 85.... then there'll be hell to pay. We all have some kind of task to perform and a lot of struggles before we even know what it is.

    hold tight man. there's still a lot in store for all of us.
  6. Abracadabra

    Abracadabra Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Dec 28, 2001 Messages: 22,906 Likes Received: 113
    damn, that was pretty heavy.

    what did you mean by:

  7. Dr. Dazzle

    Dr. Dazzle Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 19, 2001 Messages: 8,147 Likes Received: 3
    Holy fucking emo, batman....

    But really, sorry for your loss. RIP
  8. slave_one

    slave_one Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 4, 2003 Messages: 2,745 Likes Received: 2
    and don't even think about killing yourself...i'm serious. we get real silly in here 90 percent of the time, but believe it or not, i care about the faceless people who frequent this place; whose user names i recognize; who have meaningful posts to contribute...

    and you are one of those people villain. please hang in there...
  9. BROWNer

    BROWNer Guest

    villain, my heart goes out to you bro..
    i can't purport to know what you're feeling or
    what to even say that would make you feel
    anything, but for what it's worth, you seem like
    a genuine true blue dude, and i hope you can hold
    your head and realize that life is all over the map and
    that journey is totally worth it no matter what
    the obstacles.
    rest in peace.
  10. Crimsøn

    Crimsøn Senior Member

    Joined: Dec 18, 2003 Messages: 2,120 Likes Received: 1

    I'm really at a loss for words. Sorry things had to happen to ya the way that they did. But you're still here, so make the most of it.


    (Just curious, was this very recently?)
  11. villain

    villain Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2002 Messages: 5,190 Likes Received: 2
    Well... among the most significant, my several concussions and major brain damage from being drugged by some sadistic fuckers (ether bunny) and my cracked vertebrae... Basically I had a bad attitude and my life expectancy is not so great, quality of life etc. I always treated her like a queen though... I just didn't keep her because I knew I was fading away someday and didn't want to hurt her... But now she's dead. That was supposed to be me on that hospital bed. Damnit.
    Life can change completely so suddenly. Don't ever take anything for granted.
    I love you Angel.
  12. villain

    villain Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2002 Messages: 5,190 Likes Received: 2
    Thanks you all.
    It's good to know there is true e-motion with e-friends... We all have pieces of our lives here... I know that when she died (in a coma by saturday morning and clinically dead by sunday) I just wanted to absorb as much of her prescence as I could. I poured over photos and her diaries and sketches and paintings and sculptures.... It was like I couldn't get enough because she was gone. It makes me wonder when we die if our loved ones will pour over our posts at 12oz like I did over her remnants. It brings new meaning to this thing we treat so nonchalantly....
  13. InnerCityRebel

    InnerCityRebel Veteran Member

    Joined: Aug 19, 2002 Messages: 8,297 Likes Received: 117
    just keep your head up is all i can say.No matter how bad it gets sooner or later it will get better.It is sad you lost someone you cared for but you must remember the good times not the bad.Stay strong and you will make it through your ruff time.
  14. S@T@N

    [email protected]@N Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 15, 2002 Messages: 1,998 Likes Received: 0

    I'm just so sorry. I've written about 6 paragraphs that all seemed to be
    superficial babbling that couldn't possibly help, so I'll keep it to this:

    You are still alive.

    Pain is what lets you realize that you can still feel, that you are still alive,
    that there is still more for you to learn. Please stick through.. realize that
    if she was that desperate for you, you must truly have been a great person
    to her. You made her happy, and although problems got in the way,
    nothing will change that you made her happy.

    Please take care. Prayers for you.

  15. slave_one

    slave_one Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 4, 2003 Messages: 2,745 Likes Received: 2
    yes definitely. although sometimes it's hard to differentiate whose telling the truth around here, your posts are genuine. i recall you mentioning that she was lurking around here if i am right? did she ever post? i can't help but feel that perhaps she wanted to reach out but didn't bcuz most of the time, we have this awful tendency to make fun of newcomers in channel zero...i feel bad now...