Poop Man Bob Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Top 30 Chuck Norris facts. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CACashRefund Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 If Chuck Norris did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest uncle-boy Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 "3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard." "26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change." :lol: i cant stop chuckling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SPORTO Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Cause Chuck was onea the first white guys on TV do'n martial arts, and yo young self was say'n yeah, kick that fucker right in the face with a roundhouse Norris! But he had the discipline & the grand master way...blah..blah.. so he never relly fucked people like you knew he chould. Dont hate, congratulate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SPORTO Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Though those Conan O'Brien piss takes were humourous Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abracadabra Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 fucking excellent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyler Durden Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Arent these the same, more or less, than the Vin Diesel ones that were around a little while back? Still very funny...I'm just sayin... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dosoner Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 now that shit, is funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Miller Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 your lord and savior Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SPORTO Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 DIG HIS KICKS (NO PUN) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CACashRefund Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 My friend has the chuck norris total gym, shit is pretty good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". HAHAHA There are some that i found a while back, as equally funny and bizarre but they are all english minor celebrities and socer players, so posting them would be pointless. Golden nonetheless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dumy Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 :haha: :king: :haha: :king: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 i'm going to find out what happened to the black sidekick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunTimePartyTeam Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 That law and order shit is too funny. Best thread ever? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ODS-1 Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 I didn't feel like reading that and the ones I read weren't that good... But Chuck Norris is god. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DREDZ Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 i thougt that i was the only one to utilize the "booya" technique on the ladies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaolinmasta Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 man that shit is funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteOx Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 HAHAHAH 1 11 21 25 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fermentor666 Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 #2 is the best in this computer nerd's eyes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mackfatsoe Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Double roflburger with extra Chuck Norris. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaolinmasta Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 #6 was the funniest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TURBOCAPSLOK Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 http://www.chucknorris.com/ 'HI THIS IS CHUCK NORRIS AND I WOULD LIKE TO PERSONALLY WELCOME YOU TO MY OFFICIAL WEBSITE' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shameless self promotion Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 "FUCKIN' CHUCK NORRIS!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RumPuncher Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 you know why Chuck norris kicks so much ass..... he learned it from the best: (oh... and got his ass handed to him!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CACashRefund Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 chuck norris sang the theme song to his own show "walker texas ranger" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mauler5150 Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Those were funny. Does anyone remember the Chuck Norris cartoons they had years ago? They were pretty fucken sick when I was a kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 blaazed Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 how can we forget the ever famous walker texas ranger/conan obrien clips http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml click that link for those who have no idea what im talking bout.or if you do and you want to see it again and laugh your ass off Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8onus Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 HAHAHA those clips were always funny as shit. "walker told me i have aids" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckNorris Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 ]I am honored that you all at 12ozprophet apreciate the hard work i have put in as an actor, karate master and human being.. Here are some pictures from my personal collection. Be good, be healthy and always... be Norris. *Edited for remote linking goatse.cx shennanigans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.