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"Check dis shit"

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by NATO, Jan 8, 2002.

  1. NATO

    NATO Guest

    As a follow up to the "rate my poo" thread i dug this out of the archives, i have suffered with many of these. Feel free to add your own

    The Perfect Dump.
    Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but
    a real
    thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a
    smooth
    sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless
    grace of an
    Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was
    totally
    unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you
    are in
    perfect harmony with it.

    The Beer Dump.
    Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many
    beers -
    doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy noisy
    dump
    accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for
    days.
    Naked flames are ill advised.....

    The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).
    Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl
    look
    like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging your
    ring and
    generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield.
    Also
    makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

    The Empty Roll Dump.
    Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty
    cardboard
    cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the
    curtains but
    then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug?
    Nah, too bulky and
    cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty
    roll dumper "
    must face.....pull up your kecks tighten your cheeks and shuffle yourself
    to the
    nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one
    of your
    socks!

    The Splash Back Dump.
    This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that
    washes your
    sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and
    embarrassed if
    the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot
    instead of
    wiping.

    The Childbirth Dump.
    This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for
    this
    purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then
    gets no
    better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones
    again.
    You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to
    hatch monster
    loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
    1. Scream
    2. Call an Obstetrician
    3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

    The Machine Gun Dump.
    Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when
    suddenly
    you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like
    machine gun
    fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran,
    cradling
    his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

    The Sound Effect Dump.
    You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are
    within
    earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting
    sounds
    you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of
    release,
    try the following:
    1. Flush the toilet
    2. Drop loose change on the floor,
    3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

    The Cling-On Dump.
    You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip
    the seat
    with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ba****rd
    just hangs
    there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water
    below. If
    only you had some scissors....

    The Whole Roll Dump.
    No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll
    and have
    to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste.

    The Encore Dump.
    Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to
    leave the
    auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return
    for a
    curtain call. The world record is seven encores......

    The Houdini Dump.
    You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the
    pipe or
    did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can
    guarantee that
    if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
     
  2. ~i~hear~voices~

    ~i~hear~voices~ New Jack

    Joined: Sep 5, 2001 Messages: 31 Likes Received: 0
    hahahahaahaha...this my friends is someone who truely spends to much time thinking about what dump thier taking...hahahah but it was good shit though...(no pun intended)...:D
     
  3. Dr. Dazzle

    Dr. Dazzle Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 19, 2001 Messages: 8,147 Likes Received: 3
    yeah, dude, you're way too fixated on poo:)
     
  4. VANDALISTIKO

    VANDALISTIKO Junior Member

    Joined: Aug 22, 2001 Messages: 157 Likes Received: 0
    my stomach is hurting, i hate you you bastard for making my stomach hurt, i will kill you man
     
  5. AskNags

    AskNags New Jack

    Joined: Jan 6, 2002 Messages: 31 Likes Received: 0
    You forgot the

    "I hope to fuck the bathroom is empty dump"

    YOu know the American Pie dump.
    Man that shit happened to me once....IN THE FUCKING CHEERLEADERS BATHROOM>>>MY FRESHMAN YEAR

    fuck my highschool career, reputation?PSHHAAA! What's that?
     
  6. REGULATOR

    REGULATOR Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 6, 2001 Messages: 3,383 Likes Received: 0
    you forgot the carpet bomb dump.....when you go to shit and instead of coming out in one big thing...it comes out in abuot 50 little marble sized shits...making hella noises and splashes
     
  7. lil'moco

    lil'moco Junior Member

    Joined: Apr 12, 2000 Messages: 143 Likes Received: 0
    I feel bad for you dude.
     
  8. NATO

    NATO Guest

    phht, it was fowarded to me as an email, im not the obsessive i made out to be i just thought it was kinda funny. um well youy know..
     
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