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Cat got your eye?

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by bobobi11, Dec 14, 2001.

  1. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0

    I'm an officer with the San Francisco Police Department. Recently I received a call from the sheriff's dispatch that there was an 11-45 (pedestrian vs. train). I arrived on the scene and learned that a mentally disturbed man had been hit by a train. When the engineer saw the man, he applied the emergency brakes, but the train still struck him. The engineer said that the deceased man was lying on the tracks. He was decapitated and had his right foot lopped off. We located the head and foot but couldn't find the man's left eyeball, which we needed for legal and burial reasons. All of us combed the area, and after about 20 minutes someone yelled out, "Over here!" When I walked over I saw an orange striped cat licking the eye, so I picked up a small rock and threw it at the beast. Frightened, the cat hiss at us, picked up the eyeball in it's mouth and ran off with it. We had two police units and several others chase the cat on foot, but it got away. We never did nab that guy's eye.
    -- Michael Swanson, San Francisco

    From this months issue of Stuff, True Lies

    I will post more as I type them in. There are better.
  2. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    Balls of Confusion


    When I was a freshman in college, I went to the last game of the ALCS between the Mariners and the Yankees. I was having a great time enjoying the tense game and drinking many beers. In the ninth inning I really had to take a leak, but since I didn't want to miss anything, I held it in. After a while I couldn't take it anymore, so I got up to use the bathroom. As I walked back to my seat, I heard the crowed go wild. Edgar Martinez had hit a grand slam to win the game. I looked up and saw people rushing toward me. That's when I realized that the home-run ball was flying right in my direction. I dove for it and came up with the ball. Seconds later a grotesquely fat guy knocked me over, stole the ball from my hands and took off running. Well, I wasn't gonna let some lard ass steal my prize. I chased after him and, not suprisingly, caught him quickly. I demanded my ball back, but he just pointed at his crotch and said, "If you want it, go down and get it." So I reached down the fat man's sweatpants. He started screaming. Soon a couple of security guards rushed over, and the guy claimed I was molesting him. The guards kicked me out of the stadium. A few weeks later I was at my cousin's wedding, and I actually saw the fat man! I went up to him and said, "Remember me?" Then I punched him in the gut. Turns out it wasn't the same guy.
    --- Thomas Skelton, via e-mail
  3. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    Why no posts?

    Okay, you guys are looking but not writing. What's wrong? I will post more if I get response, but thats a lot to type in if nobody has comments.
  4. Secret

    Secret Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 20, 2000 Messages: 3,169 Likes Received: 0
    Hey! I'm writing! I hope that cat chokes on that guy's eyeball. Then they can write another story about a cat choking on a eyeball that belonged to a man that got ran over by a train.

    I have a story about Pilau Hands' cat. He/she would always try to watch me pee. I guess that little prick didn't like us sharing bathrooms (the kitty litter was in the bathroom). Then one day I tried to be nice to it, and it hissed and scratched the shit out of my neck! That little bastard. If Pilau wasn't so nice, I'd throw that little prick out the window.

  5. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    My youngest cat has a fascination with the bathroom. She has to follow you in and watch, especially if you are taking a shower or a bath.

    When she was little she would try to jump up on your lap while you were sitting there and never quite make it so you would have claw marks down your legs.
  6. Smart

    Smart Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 14, 2000 Messages: 17,017 Likes Received: 178
    I heard Beardo found part of a penis in a bottle of Vernor's...
  7. deznatori

    deznatori Veteran Member

    Joined: Jan 30, 2001 Messages: 5,441 Likes Received: 0
    Where did you get a picture of my cat?
  8. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest


    I heard Pablo the Graff Cat is one bad mutha!

  9. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest


    ˆˆˆmy self portraitˆˆ
  10. deznatori

    deznatori Veteran Member

    Joined: Jan 30, 2001 Messages: 5,441 Likes Received: 0
    Holy shit it's Hecliff
  11. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    Bump for the Stuff topic.


    my cat sits like that all the time. its a hoot
  13. alkaline

    alkaline Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 2, 2001 Messages: 3,097 Likes Received: 0
    When we first got our cat, I thought she was the weirdest little thing in the entire world. She was so small and seemingly dumb (although she's actually pretty smart, her curiosity would always get her into precarious situations). One day I was sitting on the toilet, reading a magazine. Our cat came running in (she always went to the bathroom at the same time that we did ... it was bizarre). She looked at me for a minute and saw that my shorts were around my ankles. She awkwardly crawled into my shorts and curled up into a ball. I felt really bad when I was done pooping, because she had fallen asleep in my shorts and I had to wake her up to get her out. After that day she would crawl into my pants every time I took a poo. Now she's too big, but she still tries.
  14. Dr. Dazzle

    Dr. Dazzle Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 19, 2001 Messages: 8,147 Likes Received: 3
    Re: Balls of Confusion

    That is really, really funny. Seriously. Fucking hilarious.
  15. yoshy

    yoshy Member

    Joined: Jun 23, 2000 Messages: 738 Likes Received: 0