can I just say

I mean shit... is it the best magazine ever or what?

I've never seen such a glossy rag toss up the big fuck you fingers

to everyong like it doesnt matter. hipsters be damned, vice is the shiiii

plus they toss in a cd full of tunes and a dvd loaded with new videos.

Most people think the way to a stripper's pussy is with money, buying lap dance after lap dance, throwing stacks of singles on stage as they dance, and surprising them with expensive gifts. Those people are idiots. "Marks,"; as the girls call them. Someone to be siphoned until not one drop of cash is left.

There is only one surefire way to pull a stripper and it has nothing to with personality or money (although those things don't hurt). The secret is DRUGS.

Contrary to what many pro-stripper films and documentaries tell you, 9 out of 10 strippers are on drugs of some sort.* Be it coke, dust, weed, pills, booze, if a girl's job is to climb up on stage and spread her gash for a bunch of sweaty, over-weight mutts in ill-fitting work clothes you'd better believe it takes a certain type of courage that can only be had from illegal substances. Knowing that, the key to making a needy young sex kitten your slave for the night (or the week) is to always be holding. But you have to make sure you're carrying the right stuff for the type of stripper you're trying to bang. It just so happens that this whole thing can be broken down racially. Along with the genetic yarns that make a woman a certain color go these little strands that decide their drug proclivities. Don't freak out—I didn't write the rules here. God did. I just follow them.

WHITE STRIPPERS (BLONDE)

White chicks love coke. It's as simple as that. Any stripper worth sticking your dick in is between the ages of 18-28, meaning they were born between 1976 and 1986, which makes their moms either 70s disco coke whores or 80s yuppie coke sluts. Either way, the coke slut gene has been inherited by their daughter. When she asks if you'd like a lap dance, respond: "No, I want to get out of here and do some blow. What time are you done tonight?"; That's usually enough to get you in, but for added emphasis it helps to pull her to the side, dump some powder on your fist and give it to her to prove you're for real. (Don't buy beat shit. Strippers who love coke know coke. You're not getting anywhere with shit that's been stepped on ten times.)

WHITE STRIPPERS (TATTOOED AND/OR WITH PUNK HAIRCUTS)

This is a somewhat trickier bunch to read because they like pills and saying someone "likes pills"; is like saying someone "likes music."; You've got to either roll the dice on a narrow spectrum of possibilities (uppers, downers, psyche, or pain) or you can be smart and invest in a smorgasbord of pharmaceuticals and have all your bases covered. There's nothing worse than sparking a girl's interest only to learn she likes Xanax and you've got a pocket full of Ritalin. Pretend that you're going fishing and you've got an empty tackle box. You're going to need a little of everything: lures, bobbers, hooks, etc. Pills are inexpensive ($5-$8 a pop), so see if you can work out a deal with your man on a variety bottle. At that price you shouldn't think twice about pissing them away. Offer a blue to the first girl you see. If she takes it, she'll go and tell the other girls. Give 10mg to each and every girl in the club. 10 strippers = 10 pills = 50 bucks. No big deal. If you have enough to get each girl high on the job, one of those girls is going to have enough brains to realize you've probably got more. She'll be the one to ask you, "What are you doing later?";

BLACK STRIPPERS

The black stripper is difficult to snare, especially for a white male. Their drug of choice, weed, is the cheapest drug on the market and easiest to obtain. This makes them the most affordable fuck, but you're white and you have to compensate. That's where things get expensive. Don't freak out, it's still completely doable. First, start by tipping. Don't go crazy. Just a dollar or two here and there to let her know you're interested. This will automatically put you ahead of any black patrons in the club because it is well documented that black males do not tip at strip clubs.** Your next move is to have better than average weed. Like flowers, girls like weed that smells nice. It helps to tell them that it's from your boy's crop, and has been featured on the cover of High Times three times and it's Redman and Snoop's favorite weed. It's important that this lie and the two following lies be convincing: "Yeah, I know Snoop,"; and "Next time he's in town, I'll introduce you."; That should take of it. For added effect I like to lie and say I make beats and ask them if they want to go over to my studio after they get off work. This helps to both sell the con and save money on hotel rooms. Be sure to know where a local recording studio is. A cheap one is between $75 and $150 an hour, which is cheaper than taking her to a nice hotel. Be sure to bring the new Usher CD and when her favorite song comes on tell her you made the beat. Then turn one of the knobs on that big mixing board thing in front of you.

OTHER STRIPPERS

That is correct, I am going to lump together all Asian, Latin, Paki, Euro strippers, along with anything else that might have just come off the boat and amputees. This category is really your best bet, especially Euro girls, because all they want is to be loved and taken care of and what drug emits more love than Ecstasy? The reality is you could give them mescaline and they'd take it without caring.*** A key with foreigners is to make them feel welcome in America. This is accomplished by telling them you don't detect an accent, that they speak great English and that you basically understand and agree with whatever they are saying regardless of the fact that you can only make out every fourth word. To do this convincingly, you must practice. Go to your stereo and put on some rap music that you can't understand the lyrics to (most any rap will work), turn up the volume just slightly, then go into your bathroom and shut the door. You should not be able to easily hear more than reverb and bass. Stare dead in the mirror, strain your ears and try to decipher the lyrics without looking unsure, without creasing your forehead and pursing your eyes. If you can convince your mind that you know every lyric to that Ghostface song, using only your eyes and facial expressions, you'll be able win any foreigner over, completely negating their self-consciousness. Using drugs as bait, of course.

Before you go running to your phone to cop there are a few more things you need to be aware of when trying to run this kind of game. First, and most importantly, is that you don't ever do the drugs. If you're an addict don't even bother because you'll always take the drugs over the girl and might even get arrested for beating a girl for touching your shit without asking. You can get high all you want when she's gone but while you're with her you have to pretend to inhale, go take a piss when your turn to bang a rail comes around, throw the pill over your shoulder and pretend to pop it. Sounds lame but you need to have full control over the situation. I'm telling you from experience, strippers are cunning, any sign of weakness and you'll wake up without your pants, your wallet and your drugs. Secondly, realize you only get one shot of pulling them out of the club. If it doesn't happen that night, it doesn't happen. Don't play yourself by giving your number and don't take a number. Consider it a failed attempt and go home and get high. Lastly, and I can't stress this enough, don't let them know where you live. If you can, take them to a hotel (or the studio). If you've blown all your money on the drugs and are forced to take them back to your place, take the most ridiculously fucked up route ever to get there. Then after you're done with them, give some more drugs to fry their brain a little more and put them right in cab and send them on their way (instructing the driver to use an alternate, more confusing route.). As a child you had a great many dreams of things you wanted in your lifetime, and I'm pretty sure that a drug-hungry whore knocking on your door at 4 in the morning was not one of them.

thats fuckin hilarious

that's why I love vice.

holy shit... there's someone called 'turd ferguson' looking at this thread right now.!!!

hahha.... it's funny because it's biger than a normal hat!

vice is the official handbook for the axis of awesome

All this time I was getting Maxim and Stuff..What the fuck??

Don't these guys have a website?

maxim? that's for children.

Seems to be the word on the street....

http://www.viceland.com

Yea, fucking legendary status.

Their do's and don'ts for life are so good.

haha.. it was a dont that got me in the magazine.

no... I wasn't the dont, but it did lead to the 'special issue'.

no...... I'm not 'special' either.

good for a chuckle

ultimately worthless

am i too old for stuff like this?

or just too goddamn smart?

:snowman:

you know it girl,

in the end it's all just filler.

I dig vice because they dont seem to give a fuck.

There are very few magazines out there that say

whatever they want and arent photocopies rags

that people have to leave on the subway to increase

their 'distribution'. But that's just how I see it.

and being too smart for it is what makes it funny.

This part killed me:

Be sure to bring the new Usher CD and when her favorite

song comes on tell her you made the beat. Then turn one of the knobs on that big mixing board thing in front of you.

great magazine

there is something that never stops being funny about baiting strippers. god bless them....

"Don't freak out—I didn't write the rules here. God did. I just follow them."

holy shit! i missed this the first time around....very funny.

no skimming. read it word for wordlyfe.

vice is not to be slept on.

I got the Vice Guide to Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roll two weeks ago and was pretty impressed. I'm looking forward to getting the Do's and Dont's guide.

Aside from being laugh-out-loud-to-yourself-funny, alot of the articles are actually really well put together in my opinion. One of my favorites included the African warlord fashion expose.

CHECK THE FUCKIN MAG OUT BROOOOOOO!

We're pitching this new show to MTV called "Chink My Ride" where we take whatever shitty bike you have, add crazy handlebars, and give it to an Asian pimp. You don't get your bike back, but it's like a homeless guy giving you his cat—it's in a better place now.

When picking up guys it's important to let them know you are a libidinous woman who respects the guy's body and wants to explore (even his toes).

best thread all week. at least.

sidenote, i knew boogie hands was boogie hands for a reason... "there is something that never stops being funny about baiting strippers. god bless them.... "

The way you get a girl is to say, ‘No problem.' Everything, no problem," says a Russian mobster named Peter that's sitting next to me at dinner. "If they late then you just have a drink alone. When they show up you say, ‘Hey, don't worry about it.' And you go on with the night. Everything is no problem forever and ever. Don't call me back—no problem. See you on the street with another guy—no problem."

Peter now has the attention of the entire table. He moves his head from far left to far right in a sweeping gesture that's so slow it makes me think he's totally forgotten what the fuck he was talking about. After making sure everyone is silent, he adds, "…then…when she finally say those three words. When she finally say, ‘I love you'. YOU TURN THAT BITCH OVER AND YOU FUCKING PUNISH HER FOR ALL THE BULLSHIT SHE PUT YOU THROUGH!!!"

Peter is a scary meathead who talks to trees, wears Zubas and is about to go to jail for double homicide. He's also kind of right. The best way to get the girl you like is to be laid-back and casual, then, once you have her, be a Russian mobster. That's easier said than done. Picking up chicks is hard. All women have to do to get laid is say "yes" and lie down. Even fat girls can do well if they put on high heels and wait until last call. Blacks get to fuck whomever they want and if they go to Scotland they get laid even more than that. Gays and lesbians get so laid they're already bored with it. But what about the other 2.98756 billion of us? How do we get laid? Read on, motherfucker…

FUN GUY

The problem with really wanting to get laid is you look like someone who really wants to get laid. The horny you is like the marketing head in How to Get Ahead in Advertising. You have to deny him or he will kill you. Instead of worrying about who is going to fuck you, just go out and be gregarious guy. "Hey, what's your name? Oh, Mark? How's it going, Mark? I'm Chris. Who's this?" "I'm Julie." "Hey Julie. Do you guys want some Percodan?" We know you want to fuck Julie. We all want to fuck Julie. Just don't admit it to anyone. Not even to yourself. Even if a close female friend, one you trust, asks if you want to fuck Julie, make a joke like, "I want to fuck MARK, don't you? Meow!" Nobody needs to know you have a penis. Of course, you have to be careful with this kind of attitude and not be too faggy. Throw in a few "That's nobody's business but my own" and maybe protect one or two girls from those wasted geriatric Polish guys that are always hanging around. You need to establish that you are not a pussy and you need to make sure you don't slip into the friend zone (more on that later). If you're really outgoing and pals-y, you should have a ton of numbers and email addresses at the end of the night. Throw the dude ones in the garbage.

FUN GUY: PHASE TWO

You shouldn't take a girl out on a date until you've fucked her at least once. Before any kind of dating scenario you have to extend your fun-guy phase just a little bit longer. That means if you want to see her again you call her from somewhere really fun and basically invite her to a party like she's one of the guys. "Hey, what's going on, it's me, Red Pants [an allusion to a previous inside joke you guys have]. We're all at DaVinci's and it's pretty fun. Some wasted old lady is dancing naked on the bar and everyone from the Shit Biscuit is here. On a 1 to 10 fun scale I'd give it an 8.2 [she laughs]. From now on I'll only call you when it's an 8 or over. I'll be your fun spy. Anyway, it's at 360 1st Avenue. See you there."

Now don't call her again, you fucking anus! Don't call her at 4 AM asking her why she didn't show. You're fun guy. You're not Heavy Vibes Guy. Remember what the Russian said. Also, the odds are she just came out of a shitty and serious relationship and the last thing she needs is more drunk questions on her answering machine at dawn. You can only call a girl 1.5 times more than she calls you.

BILL MURRAY IN ‘STRIPES'

Fuck Cool J. He's a fucking cheeseball. Ladies Love BM. Remember when he lifts her up on to the stove and then starts jabbing her bum with a spatula? No woman on earth can resist that. It's the best of all worlds. He is strong and funny and weird, but also kind of a lovable fuck-up. If you're coming fresh out of the gate and you're looking for somewhere to start, this character (I think his name was Winger) is you.

HANGING BY A THREAD

Calling a girl over 1.5 times more than she calls you makes you look desperate (by the way, never use the word "desperate" in any context whatsoever. Don't say you are "desperate to get that vintage Samhain deck" or anything. The word has a heavy hex on it). If you have reached out to a girl you like and after a few days it becomes clear it's going nowhere, here's a good last-ditch-effort text message: "I guess that's it then. I'm moving out. What the fuck are we going to do about the cats?" Showing that you don't really care about her not digging you is often all it takes to get her back.

TOOTS AND THE MAYTALS

Know that when you finally do get her alone and into a date scenario you are going to be farting your fucking ass off. There's something about the adrenaline rush first dates give you that makes your bowels go bananas. Bring matches. When you feel one of them coming on go to the bathroom, open up your cheeks, and let it silently blow out. Then light a match.

If she ends up sleeping over you are probably going to have a monstrous shit the next day (it took a lot of booze and drugs to pull this off) so have the matches ready for that too.

If you really want this to go well, we can't say enough about Beano. Free samples are pretty easy to get online and they are a fart's worst enemy.

DATE PACK

You should get a lot of other stuff too. You should get a whole date pack together. Like: Beano, matches, coke (more later), Viagra (again, later), Adderall (lates), and two Maxx condoms. But be warned! There is a weird curse on guys who go out at night with condoms. For some reason a girl can smell the rubber and know that you fully intend to put your penis in her vagina and go in and out and in and out. It might be best to avoid the hex and just throw them out of your date pack. Sometimes getting venereal warts is worth it. Besides, if she's really against having sex without a condom you can just do oral stuff, which is what God intended for first-timers anyway.

TALKING, LAUGHING, FUCKING

We've told you this a million times before: You don't talk, you don't fuck. You have to keep chatting from the first moment you meet her until she's lying naked in bed next to you. Don't come up for air. It doesn't even matter what you talk about—do observational Seinfeld shit like, "Man, have you ever tried the grape drink at that pizza place on 1st and Saint Mark's? It's like a grape EXPLOSION. Now I know what the soldiers in Iraq are going through. Only in grape." On and on, yadda yadda. Be as crazy as you want to be, but have a few serious bombs so she's knows you're not totally fucked in the head. Like if Iraq comes up you could say, "I just hate that there's no real open discourse about the pros and cons of it. Nobody's willing to stop screaming ‘Hitler' and ‘Satan' and calmly discuss it. Like I've heard some really informed people call it ‘the right war fought the wrong way.' Why can't that angle be discussed?" Then it's back to crazy guy (holy fuck are you ever deep).

QUIET GUY

In high school it kind of works to be the standoffish silent type that nobody can figure out. You could even make up some bullshit about being "celibate." When you're celibate you're basically Judd Nelson from Breakfast Club meets Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club. You've been through a lot that you don't want to talk about, you're pretty intense AND you don't have AIDS. Saying "Leave me alone" is great for attention in high school because it's confined quarters and you're always in everyone's face.

BUT DO NOT TRY THIS AFTER HIGH SCHOOL! There's too much other stuff going on for people to give a shit if you want to be left alone. They're all, "OK cool, see ya!" and there you are, literally alone.

BIG WORDS

It's good to know about four or five 50-cent words you can stuff into a conversation so you sound well read. Don't fuck them up the way black people do, but don't overuse them either. We recommend putting your fancy word next to a swear. Here are some examples: "…so she walks in all precocious like we give a shit," or "…and it's the same old pedantic bullshit he's always going on about," or "She's got this big fucking turgid zit right in the center of her face." When people seem baffled by your big word, pretend you don't understand what they're talking about (you read so much you can't tell the easy words from the hard words).

Oh, I forgot to mention this. Don't talk about weird shit. Keep it light. If you have this memory where you saw a dragonfly eating its own eyes, keep it to yourself. In case you didn't know, that's what murdering rapists talk about too.

FUCK A 5

If it's been more than say, two months, go fuck a fatty. You need to get the ball rolling again and having sex with an ugly girl is the best way to do that. It gets your confidence up and it gets that horrible reek of desperation off you. Besides, fucking a 5 is way more fun than fucking a 10 because you're totally relaxed and can do whatever you want.

THE FRIEND ZONE

This phenomenon was discovered by a funnyman named Chris Rock. You become so laid-back, you're basically Ducky from Pretty in Pink. This blows. If you are a funny person you should be especially careful of this. You can make them laugh their heads off all you want, and I know we told you to not appear horny, but at least throw in a few "I like you more than a friend" vibes. One trick is to be totally honest about how mind-blowingly hot she is. You stop yourself mid-funny-anecdote and go, "Fuck, you're so pretty I keep getting distracted. I don't think I can look at you and tell this story at the same time." Then tell the rest of the story looking over her ear, like if you were blind. That is both funny and shows you're not Ducky.

HOW TO BE FUNNY

You don't have to be Gallagher to be funny. The funniest shit is just being totally honest. Like "Do you ever feel uncomfortable in places like this? Everyone seems so put together. What are you supposed to do with your arms if you don't smoke? Can you imagine how relaxed people with no arms must be? I wish I had no arms." Saying totally honest and humbling stuff like this is literally funny because it's true. It also shows you are ballsy enough to not give a shit what people think of you.

HORNY DUDE

Completely abandoning friendly guy is some really risky shit, but it's one of the greatest places to be in pick-up land. This is usually only possible when you've heard that she likes you AND you're feeling more "on" than you've ever been. That's when you can say things like "I would ruin your life. I would take you home and walk you over to the bedroom by your hair. Then I would spank your ass so fucking hard it would feel like it was on fire. Then I'd lick your pussy so fucking slow you'd get a stomachache."

Shit, I'm making myself horny. Being this on happens rarely, and if she's ready to hear shit like this she's already totally sold on you. The reason we've included "horny dude" here is so you know he is the antidote to Ducky. Use him VERY sparingly or become another cold-call creep.

THE COLD CALL

The problem with this is the message you're sending just by doing it. When you walk up to a stranger in a bar and say hello, what you're really saying is, "All I know about you is that you're attractive but that's enough for me to want to start a relationship. My priorities are, ‘Is she hot?' and then I go from there."

Those are what everyone's priorities are but you're not supposed to admit it. Can't you at least wait until there's some kind of eye contact? I don't know what advice to give you cold-call guys. Frankly, I think you're all a bunch of assholes. It's creeps like you that have made it so hard for the rest of us to get anywhere.

THE DREAM TRICK

If you're into a girl and you're not sure if she's into you, a great way to carefully gauge what's going on is to pretend you had a dream about her. When you see her you go, "Holy shit, I just remembered something. I had a dream about you last night." If she recoils in horror you can back off by saying something like, "We were fighting this giant fireman that looked like that Iron Maiden guy. I think Riddick was there—weird." She'll say, "Ooooh kaaaye" and you will just shrug your shoulders, shake your head, and in a "Dreams, what will they think of next?" kind of a way go back to your desk.

If, however, she seems interested, you can go kind of close to sex. Don't say she was blowing you all night and cumming from it but maybe you could say, "I think we were married and we had quintuplets or something. I can't remember." The beauty of the dream trick is it's you saying "I might like you" without putting your ego on the line. If she's disgusted it's not your fault. It's the dream's.

THE RESEARCH METHOD

As you get older your feelings become more and more fragile. That's because your character gets bigger every year. When you're 20 you're basically a fag. You can just go up to anyone and say, "You're hot, wanna make out?" without giving one-tenth of a shit what they say. As you get older, saying, "I have become very attracted to you" is like lying on the road with your intestines hanging out and saying, "Please [sob] have mercy on me." A good way to get around that is research. Do you know any of her friends? Can you trust them? As we said in our "Ode to the Fat Friend" article, an ally on the other side is worth a thousand good lines. (Who fucking uses "lines" these days anyway? Do you really want to fuck a girl who believes in astrology?)

THE FIX UP

Speaking of research, if you can find an OK-looking girl who wants to be your friend, has no interest in you, and isn't hurt that you have no interest in her (rarer than you think), get her to do your research. You can find out if the girl is single, when she last had sex, how long her previous relationship was, why they broke up, does she drink, etc. The list goes on. Going in well prepared is almost as good as going in not ugly. Even if you get caught you're fine because at least the girl knows you're friends with girls. Murdering rapists are not friends with girls.

MULATTO BABIES

If you are any kind of race at all you'd be stupid not to play the race card. A great mulatto trick is to go up to the white girl and ask her what her parents would think about you two going out. Girls love the idea of torturing their Archie Bunker fathers and there's no reason why you shouldn't get your cut of that.

Also, if you're sitting down at the bar, put your hand near hers and JOKINGLY (remember comedy is crucial in scenarios like this) ask her what "our" babies are going to look like. Everyone knows mixed races are the best-looking kids around so it's good to plant those seeds in the back of her head.

EMAIL

This is the ideal way to court. She's sitting there, bored at work, hating on her friends, and wondering if anyone really cares about her. Then—dananalalaing—new message. "Hey, have you seen this guy who holds cuddle parties? What a fucking loser. He wants to create a ‘safe space' for people to touch each other's bodies. Can you say ‘faggoty nonsense?'"

Or maybe something less harsh. That's the beauty of email. You can spend hours and hours perfectly honing your message to be exactly what she needs to hear.

THE "MUST HAVE HER" CHANT

Remember last year when we told you that you have to beat off about the girl you want because a) it tricks your brain into thinking you've already fucked her and b) it sends magical wank vibes out into the cosmos that she unconsciously picks up on? Remember that? Well here's another one: If you keep repeating "must have her, must have her, must have her" as you walk down the street something magical happens to you. What it does is it summons every part of your brain to focus on the problem at hand. "Is she going to be there on Thursday? OK, I will not go out Wednesday, I will have a good rest, and then I will have approximately three pints before going to the Thursday thing." These are the kind of complex processes that only a self-hypnotized brain can come up with. Remember, testosterone is a concentration drug.

COKE

Sorry, I know coke has about ten times the stigma trucker hats do, but the truth is it works. Even if you don't do it yourself it's really handy to have a plush box sitting under the bed. Inviting a girl home to do coke shows that you're not just taking her home to blow you. You're taking her home to play her records and talk about stuff because you like her.

Now, if shit does go down and it's taken about five lines to get there, you had better have some Viagra handy. It is a fucking breeze to get online and there is absolutely no excuse for not having it ready to go. People who can't get it up are no longer impotent. They're stupid.

THE FIRST KISS

This fucking sucks. You've got her home and you're sitting on the couch and you have to go from "ha ha ha" guy to dead-serious face zooming in on hers like a spaceship approaching the mother port. There're ways to lessen this blow. You can say shit like "Wanna make out?" or other funny stuff, but it's going to be pretty awkward no matter what you do.

One way around it is to have been talking about how hot she is all night. That way, of course you want to make out. Doye. You're Horny Dude and you've been going on about her lips since you met her. But still, if she turns away and you're left with her ear in your eyes it's pretty fucking embarrassing. All we can say is muster up some balls and just go for it.

If she pulls away, your only way out is to make a joke about it. Say something like, "Oooh kaye, that didn't go so well. All rightie then. Let's do both of us a favor and just get into a time machine and go back to before I did that." Or something as simple as, "Okay, misread the signals, moving on, pretending nothing happened, going to get beer now, will get you one." Something gay and sitcom-y like the guy in King of Queens. Don't worry about the delivery, you just have to get out of that scene not looking desperate. She might have turned away because she's not ready or maybe she feels some oral herpes coming through or maybe she's not quite finished breaking up with her boyfriend. Freaking out about this blows all those other options, so take it easy. Just keep the night moving. Don't go for it again for the rest of the night and when she wants to leave be all "OK, cool. I'll call you later."

THE FIRST BOFF

There's a lot of pressure on this sucker. You have to have a rock-hard wood. You have to last a long time. And you have to blow her mind. Besides the obvious coke and Viagra combo nothing turns you into a black man better than Adderall. It makes your dick into a fucking battle-ax. (It also makes you want to fanatically eat her ass, so you might want to avoid it if she's a square.) The rest of our advice is the usual. Once you have the go-ahead, do everything short of rape and almost scare the shit out of her.

EATING OUT

For some shitty reason a lot of girls don't want to be eaten out the first time you're with them. Great, that's how you get riled up. Now you have to hit the ground running. If oral foreplay looks like it isn't going to happen, you can spend your intro time choosing high heels for her to wear, putting her arms behind her back, and just generally checking her out. I can't get into any more detail here because I'm getting a boner at work and that is not on.

PAIR AND A SPARE

The secret to getting laid is to always have three on the go. Focusing on one girl is what they did in the 1940s. You are about carpet bombing the city with cock. If you throw enough shit against the wall something's got to stick. The only way a single guy can get laid as much as a relationship dude is to have a harem. Some like to have five on the go at once. Others think that's more stress than it's worth. You don't want to be a juggler at a mad carnival, so stick with three, a pair and a spare. You have the two you're torn up about and then you have the plan C who likes you too much. That way, when you get rejected by one you can hop down to two and if things are looking really bad, you can sink down to your last resort for some comfort food. This takes the desperation out of your voice and makes you seem calm, smooth, and reliable.

SPECIAL BONUS: DIFFERENT CHICKS

FOREIGNERS

The beauty of nonwhite chicks is that they grew up in an environment that said "You are not normal" every day. That means they are inevitably less judgmental and shallow than your standard Barbie-type girl. That means you don't look as ugly as you are. Are you a white male 7? You're going to have a hell of a time getting a white 8, but switch to Paki, Asian, or black and you'll have 8s and even 9s pouring off you like warm honey.

ASIANS

Asian girls come in two types: FOBs (Fresh Off the Boat) and Born Heres. The only thing these two groups have in common is no ass, smooth skin, great tits, and a bad relationship with their father.

1) FOBs: One way to tell a FOB from a Born Here is to check the shoes. Ever seen those before? Me neither. They're from Taipei. FOBs are not that hard of a nut to crack. As we've pointed out many times before, this whole continent is a mindfuck to them, so having sex with a loser like you is not so absurd. Conversation and charm can be a pretty lethargic plodge so don't waste your energy. Make them CD mixes. You can put on shit like the Rolling Stones and it's like you dug up this underground British blues band.

2) Born Heres: The tricky thing about these girls is they've been fighting with their dads for so long about assimilation, they've become white just to spite him. They love to fight and are stubborn as shit. Never ask a Born Here where she's from or anything about her parents' country. In fact, it's better to stereotype them as something American. If she's from Indianapolis say, "The problem with all you Midwestern types is how fat you get after a lifetime of cheese and beer." That shows you love her as a person, an American person, and you don't even remember what race she is.

BLACKS

We could write a whole article about this subject alone because, despite what the anthropologists in San Francisco tell you, black girls are different. To understand black girls you have to understand black guys. They are not indie-rock nerds. They lie a lot and they are never clingy. That means a) she is going to be totally skeptical about you from the get-go and b) if you are even the least bit clingy you are gone.

When you come up to her do the basic "talking, laughing, fucking" school of thought but DO NOT talk about race. If she wants to bring it up that's fine, but you don't care. Just calmly buy her a drink and don't be fazed when she acts like she doesn't give a shit. Nobody gets a black girl talking without at least one "not interested."

If you didn't know that, you probably have no fucking clue what you're getting into. Other crucial facts include: they are all scared of Marilyn Manson; they hate it when you step on the carpet; they think Chinese food is exotic and Thai food is from outer space; they love it when you call their parents "Sir" and "Ma'am;" they won't give you a blowjob for the first few months; they roll their eyes when you watch the Discovery channel; they will spend all day getting ready to go out; and finally, they cannot comprehend why anyone would listen to hardcore by choice (Minor Threat = white noise). Oh, and NEVER touch her fucking hair. That shit costs hundreds of dollars a month and if you fuck with it even in the slightest she will beat the shit out of you. Understand? She can't even get it wet. That's why they're all so scared of rain and swimming. They can't have a shower for the first few days after having their hair done and every night that shit gets wrapped up. That's why doggy style is so popular.

If you can get through all that and still get her home, the fact that your dick is not 11 inches long and you can't fuck for more than 20 minutes is not exactly great news. However, you perform cunnilingus and that makes up for a lot (that's why black girls call white guys "Freaky"). Getting a black chick is one of the hardest things in the world, but once you finally gain her trust she will do anything for you. She will have your babies, get your name tattooed on her ass, and slap the shit out of any woman who looks at you. They're kind of like Parisians: mean at first but down for life once you get in there.

NONDRINKERS

Shit, I don't envy you, dude. Without "panty remover" you are looking at hours and hours of talking before anything happens. Like, the sun is going to be up. The only advice we can give for these hopeless causes is to get some kind of mutual interest (like a band that you go see) and then have a way to link that into getting her home (to hear more music from that band). If that doesn't work, try a road trip. Nothing pulls a girl out of the friend zone like a road trip to Nova Scotia. What are you going to do, spoon in the hotel and just fall asleep? Pshaw.

LATINAS

This one's easy. NOBODY but Latino guys can lay Latina girls. Nobody even KNOWS these girls. You might as well try to fuck dead movie stars like Greta Garbo or Lily St. Claire or someone.

10s

Way-out-of-your-league super-hot girls are so hard to get that it's usually not even worth it. The good news is you yourself don't have to be that hot. They are surrounded by hot every day and are desperate to get some substance in their lives (that's why they write songs). Are you a producer, promoter, director…? Maybe you didn't hear me well enough. Are you a producer or a promoter (wink, wink)? Oh, cool, well maybe you could help her out with her shitty clothing line or her incredibly gay poems. Nobody takes 10s seriously, so if you even remember her name she's going to be impressed.

Actually, hold on—why do you want to fuck a 10 so badly? They are so fucking lame and stupid you're going to be bored out of your skull 95% of the time. We suggest you, 10s, and the cold-call dudes fuck off and stop reading this magazine. We hate you.

GAVIN McINNES - copied by a guy who's still hungover, at 3:20pm

you love it scorpion.... dont front.

Originally posted by <KEY3>@Feb 15 2005, 07:12 PM

maxim? that's for children.

Quoted post

agreed agreed agreed

and this was a real gem

"For some reason a girl can smell the rubber and know that you fully intend to put your penis in her vagina and go in and out and in and out."

ive said it before, here it is again.

i like vice, but i dont think they would like me.

no one carries that shit around here anymore. its been years. but the website gets me by.

i need to find an issue of vice..i must read one now..

Been a fan since the newsprint days.

imma try and bag me a stripper thursday night.

deto/

I love Vice, even if it's written by a bunch of pretentious hipster assholes. But it's still entertaining as hell....