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Ban This, Tough Guy!

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by effyoo, Oct 16, 2002.

  1. effyoo

    effyoo Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 2, 2002 Messages: 4,703 Likes Received: 0
    Ban This,
    Tough Guy!

    Mark Lindquist

    Throughout history our leaders’ jobs basically involved telling us what we can do and what we can’t. The rule of thumb for keeping our society civilized in most cases is banning things. Freedoms taken away serve us better than freedoms given. And our Duluth City Council is no different. Banning things under the pretense of a safer and more moral society makes it look like things are getting done on a political level.

    But I think the time has come to step back and un-ban a few things. We should even the score. For each thing we outlaw, we should legalize something that adds a little freedom to the police state we live in. Hell, it works with kids. Tell them they can’t go outside and play until they eat their lima beans and you will find lima beans eaten and kids playing outside. So the following list contains proposals that the Catholic Church likes to call “special disbansations”—a little late-night discipline mixed with a little early-morning freedom.

    First of all, let’s get this loud stereo law in the books. In Duluth, if your car stereo is perceived as a public nuisance you can be fined. I’m not against this as a late-night rule. Generally, the working public is in bed by 10pm, so it makes sense to demand that the volume of the world be turned down a little at night. A law banning sidewalk-shattering car stereos starting at 9pm works for me.

    On the flip side, let’s also allow the loud playing of anything anywhere once a week from 8 until 9 in the morning. Can you see the genius of that? Right away, you get rid of half the troublemakers by keeping it early in the morning. I propose that every Thursday at 8am, if somebody wants to blast Public Enemy’s Fear of a Black Planet from the top of the William A. Irvin over an 800-watt stereo, so be it. And one hour later, we all go back to business like nothing happened. Rock out!

    Last year the city council voted to ban people from owning more than 3 dogs in the same household. This was probably done for the general concern of the health and safety of both pets and the public. Yet we know that most people take better care of their pets than they do their own children. Pets always look well-fed, groomed, disciplined, and get regular trips to the vet. All this while their obese children run rampant through our yards with no shoes on, screaming profanities and spitting on our sidewalks. I say it’s time to balance this useless ban out a little. My proposal: a person cannot own more than three dogs. But a person is allowed to own one huge, vicious man-eating dog that once a year can attack and eat the most annoying child in our neighborhood. We would nominate the child we want eaten, and our appointed councilors would tally the votes and announce the winner. Then if that child didn’t shape up real quick, our homegrown Cujos could be set loose to kill and eat that child in our own backyards. Parents would be encouraged to vote for their own children without penalty. You want to shape up the youth of America? Feed the rotten ones to man’s best friend.

    Ah yes: how could we speak of banning things without bringing up the proposed anti-smoking ordinance in restaurants? We all know where each of us personally stands on this one. It is probably inevitable that smoking will be banned in public places at some point in the near future anyway. But why not also take the opportunity to give a personal freedom at the same time we take one away? I propose that we ban smoking cigarettes in public places all year around, except for once a month when we would allow a person to smoke whatever they want wherever they want. Again, for only one hour in the morning hours. The morning hours keep a lot of the true weirdos out of the equation. At 8am, once a month, if you wanted to head up to the Miller Hill Mall and smoke some fine Cambodian finger hash before work, that would be allowed. Shoot, it would probably clean up half of our drug problems. Smoking crack straight up for an hour once a month would get whatever wild hairs we have up our collective asses out of our systems all at once. One hour, once a month, nobody gets hurt and a little sense of personal freedom is felt by all. At the same time, we all quit smoking cigarettes.

    Ideally, all three of these special disbansations could come together at once, which would be fun to experience. Picture, if you will: 8am, Thursday morning, May 25, cranking up MC5’s Kick Out The Jams at unimaginable volumes, high on PCP while watching your dog eating the remains of the neighbor kid who broke your garage window. Now that’s freedom.

  2. ctrl+alt+del

    ctrl+alt+del Guest

    this guy right here?
    looks gangsta to me
  3. Smart

    Smart Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 14, 2000 Messages: 17,017 Likes Received: 178
  4. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Nov 16, 2000 Messages: 10,259 Likes Received: 18
    That was a really funny article. Read it.
  5. el barto

    el barto Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 14, 2001 Messages: 2,627 Likes Received: 1
    almost as boring as me.
  6. socrates

    socrates Guest

    No one can be as boring as el drinko.
  7. el barto

    el barto Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 14, 2001 Messages: 2,627 Likes Received: 1
    no one i tell you. no one