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Australia Day....

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by meateater, Jan 23, 2005.

  1. meateater

    meateater Member

    Joined: Nov 17, 2003 Messages: 789 Likes Received: 6
    WE ARE ONE


    We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
    occasional
    wanker. We come from many lands and although we live in the best
    country in
    the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we
    bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.


    First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
    lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
    grand
    final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief
    marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they
    think.
    The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.


    Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
    thin
    books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney
    has
    more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its
    mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks
    to
    keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.


    Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the
    family
    that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
    chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
    sternest
    faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
    Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.


    South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
    foreigners, paedophile rings and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state
    of
    innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults
    and
    barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
    queen).
    They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent
    the
    Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.


    Western Australiais too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
    claim
    to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all
    the
    men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last
    state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in
    the
    government and business.


    The Northern Territoryis the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
    sheep
    stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and
    dusty
    kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
    anywhere
    on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
    anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national
    culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on
    our way
    to Bali.


    And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
    document
    defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God
    probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the
    next. Why
    he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.


    Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

    We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
    twists and
    turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
    lust
    for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy
    when
    a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better
    than
    Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party
    albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not
    win
    one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that
    to
    our Pommy immigrants.


    We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be
    right
    mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem
    (so
    what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love
    sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing
    race
    and still tell us who's winning.


    And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like
    cricket,
    netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse
    racing.
    We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst
    dressed
    Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery
    get
    to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have
    bank
    doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to
    the
    desk.


    Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea
    and
    pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed
    minded,
    sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.


    I am, you are, we are Australian!


    P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
    Crest!!!!
    No other country has this distinction!


    HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2005
     
  2. WhiteOx

    WhiteOx Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 4, 2003 Messages: 3,691 Likes Received: 0
  3. Hoblow

    Hoblow Senior Member

    Joined: May 12, 2003 Messages: 1,618 Likes Received: 12
    Brought a tear to my eye. God, it's good to be an aussie.
     
  4. coldmilkcup

    coldmilkcup Member

    Joined: Jun 10, 2002 Messages: 669 Likes Received: 0

    SF KINGS!
     
  5. coldmilkcup

    coldmilkcup Member

    Joined: Jun 10, 2002 Messages: 669 Likes Received: 0

    SF KINGS!
    [post=3810343]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    Well, that didn't work very well did it...
     
  6. Hoblow

    Hoblow Senior Member

    Joined: May 12, 2003 Messages: 1,618 Likes Received: 12
    I understand what you were attempting and it makes me happy. You can rest easy now, my child.
     
  7. wiseguy

    wiseguy Elite Member

    Joined: Mar 1, 2002 Messages: 2,543 Likes Received: 1
    bah, im sick of australia. send me to mars.
     
  8. dkab

    dkab Member

    Joined: Oct 2, 2004 Messages: 297 Likes Received: 0
    I was going to see the Resin Dogs... But i have to work.
     
  9. krie

    krie Guest

    Best thread ever.
    Aussie Day is the best day of the year.
    Beers, Snags and Sun for Wednesday followed by fireworks.


    krie - the working crim from WA
     
  10. Schnitzel

    Schnitzel Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jan 16, 2004 Messages: 8,814 Likes Received: 381
  11. Hoblow

    Hoblow Senior Member

    Joined: May 12, 2003 Messages: 1,618 Likes Received: 12
    No shit, i think it's gonna be a stinking hot day all over the country on wednesday. Not only that, but it's one of my best mates 21st's on the same day. What a day it's gonna be. I hope work doesn't miss me too much on thursday, cause i'm going awol.
     
  12. dkab

    dkab Member

    Joined: Oct 2, 2004 Messages: 297 Likes Received: 0
    Even tassie has half decent weather on wednesday... AND I HAVE TO WORK


    At least its money...
     
  13. coldmilkcup

    coldmilkcup Member

    Joined: Jun 10, 2002 Messages: 669 Likes Received: 0
    Double pay up in this shit.
     
  14. sneak

    sneak Guest

    Aussie Aussie Aussie??

    No No No....
     
  15. WhiteOx

    WhiteOx Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 4, 2003 Messages: 3,691 Likes Received: 0
    it embarresses me when i hear faggets chanting that shit
     
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