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anyone else disenfranchised?

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Giving Tree, Dec 28, 2004.

  1. Giving Tree

    Giving Tree Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 26, 2001 Messages: 1,111 Likes Received: 0
    So I haven't been on the forum lately, as I've been out doing a lot of really random garbage, moved to new York this summer and did some charity work, finishing up college, getting dumped over and over and over again, stuff like that.

    I've found myself in a strange place in life, where I work a 8-4:30 daily job at an office building wearing khaki pants and a button-down, drinking coffee all morning, and making a mere 10.30 an hour doing reference checks all day. I have a tiny studio apartment downtown, and I drive a beat up truck that I still owe way too much money on. my friend list has dwindled down to next-to-dead status, as everyone is "growing up" and "moving away" or getting "restraining orders" (kidding.) I have about 1 semester left of college before I graduate with a B.A. or a B.F.A. pending how the department views my work.

    With that insight into my life, I am having trouble in the sense that I feel unfulfilled. my life feels empty, void of real meaning or at least having the substance that I thought it would when I was 10. skating was huge, and now I'm really feeling old. art was my thing, and though I still love it, I am so sick of the critics and "in-crowd" that I can't stand going to openings anymore, or discuss anything without wanting to punch the black rimmed glasses off some fat hypocrite's face. I go to the gym daily, and I like what I see, I'm a pretty big guy now and lost tons of weight, but even that is fleeting. my job is cool and all, I just kind of hang out and talk with people I have nothing in common with except that I share the same shitty florescent lighting with them 10 hours a day. I just still feel like life lost me somewhere. I just buy trendy shoes, worry about distressed denim and gaultier sweaters, and ultimately waste my time being a consumer sheep most days. I'm even saving up for that bmw 318 so I can finally start cracking into "baller" status.

    I tried to get it back.. honestly I did. I moved to new York for 3 months and worked at a youth camp, one for special needs kids. when I say special needs I mean like kids with pervasive developmental disorder, kids who are 18 but developmentally 2, mixed in with serious hard-fucking-core gangster kids from new York city, like kids who told me they toted guns at 9 and 10, kids who have serious ass bullet wounds at 14. it was insane. sure I felt good while I was there, but I had to leave because the real world was calling me (and I racked up 5g in debt due to the lack of income and the need to pay rent/car payment/etc.) so I moved back to the good ol' Midwest.

    I used to do so much.. I used to dj, I used to love the freight yard, I used to build trucks, I used to do all these things and had all these dreams. and now I just feel like a balding 23 year old who goes to the gym too much and slumps through the halls of the mall looking for a nice sweater at express; admiring girls he will never talk to in his life.

    I've tried to get "adjusted." I've gone and seen a psychiatrist, I've gotten rid of the "bad" things in my life so far that I don't even drink anymore. I've tried religion, etc.. it's just that I feel like this is just.. I don't know.. I just feel lost for the most part.

    I don't know why I am writing this anymore, I guess kind of to see if there is anyone else who just feels like they lost track somewhere, or if anyone has been here and found their way out. I don't know.. life just tastes a lot more bland now a day, and I want it to be what I dreamed about when I was 12.

    giving: blurring into another face in the crowd.
  2. seeking

    seeking Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: May 25, 2000 Messages: 32,277 Likes Received: 235
    i forget, did we get along, or no?
    you'll have to excuse my poor memory, it's been a while.

    long answer short; yes, just about everyone feels that way. the ones who don't have generally fucked their lives up so bad that they don't have time to dwell on blandness. the .1% that are actually doing exactly what they want to be doing all hang out with eachother in some secret back room reaping the rewards of manicured upbringing and nepotism.

    my advice? first of all, anyone that makes $10.30 in nyc is a fool (no offense). kinkos pays more than that. shit, delivering chinese take out pays more than that. infact, just about anything pays more than that. check out temp agencies. you should have no problem getting 14-15 an hour. beyond that, put shit into perspective; welcome to the real world. friendships erode, wide eyed romanticism disolves and eventually all you're left with is yourself and the one or two people who feel the same way you do, sitting in a cramped apartment, pissed off and alienated. worst part is that it just gets more difficult as you get older too. people become more closed off and more self absorbed, blah blah.
    i know this isnt helping any, but theres really not much that can be said. try and find a little subculture of people to kick it with and pray for the best. think of things that you really want to do with your life then trade everything in for a shot at them. planning too far ahead is pointless these days, because who knows what 'ahead' might look like. debt is inevitable, so dont be afraid of it. save up some money and travel the world for a few. walk around the city late at night and write on shit. drink alot. the worse of a problem you can create for yourself, the more attention you'll get when you enter AA, and that's a whole life system right there. you've got an activity for every night of the week and an endless supply of needy girls. infact, i dont know why i didnt just delete everything but that. AA is the answer. those fools will accept anyone.
  3. AngerCMKill

    AngerCMKill Member

    Joined: Jun 3, 2003 Messages: 363 Likes Received: 0
    sorry for butting in here...
    Sounds like we should make a "Fight Club"...
  4. Herbivore

    Herbivore Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 12, 2004 Messages: 1,431 Likes Received: 1
    i definitely feel lost in the sense that i haven't a clue what i want to do with my life. i always thought that everything would have fallen into place by now and i'd have a good idea of what i wanted to do, but it hasn't. i'm 24, friends are getting engaged... i haven't had a girl in my life that was more than a friend in over half a year. i'm working at a mortgage company... something i never had any interest in, and still don't. i actually don't have much interest in anything anymore. i look forward to going to sleep at night.... actually, i think sleep is my favorite thing nowadays. so to answer your question, no, you're definitely not alone in feeling like your life is empty.
  5. mr.yuck

    mr.yuck Veteran Member

    Joined: May 12, 2000 Messages: 6,952 Likes Received: 6
    I was feeling a lot like you. I wrote this long ass thing that kinda rambled on with a hint of a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to organize my thoughts more before i really answer you.
  6. Giving Tree

    Giving Tree Senior Member

    Joined: Nov 26, 2001 Messages: 1,111 Likes Received: 0
    yeah seeks, we got along pretty well, I think the only gripe we ever had was that I was a stupid kid when I first got here and acted like I knew Detroit. Other than that we were cool, and i think we even met at a Sage Francis show once.. not totally sure..

    I'm not in n.y. anymore, I'm back in the Midwest, back by where you are from, well, close by anyway. that's why the 10 bucks isn't bad. it's about average for entry level desk jobs around here. I'll get around 12 or 13 here soon, a few weeks, but I've only been working here for a couple months so they haven't given me my "peer-review" yet. whatever.

    as far as subcultures go, you know this place man, everything sucks. it's like a vortex.

    seriously. to describe the Midwest, every girl over 23 who ISN'T married is TOTALLY fucked up. I mean TOTALLY fucked. that or she's a shrew and lives in her bedroom, and never really sees daylight but to go to class and to work at the library. yes, these are the girls I shoot for.. the nerdy quiet types. few and far between anymore. I've been stumbling into more and more worthless party-whores. needless to say dating has stopped almost completely.

    I was dating a girl these last few months that was rich. like AMAZINGLY rich. she showed me things in life I've never ever known. I mean I'll be honest.. I was a poor kid. super poor. this girl was born into a family where when she turned 18, she was given 100,000,000 dollars. no joke. on top of that, her father passed and she became co-owner of one of the biggest international law firms in new York state. she took me to Martha's vineyard for 2 weeks to stay at her 3 story house on the coast, she flew me to Boston over and over and over again, she basically showed me how life COULD BE.. but money doesn't repair feelings and honestly that money made her more fucked up than I could hang with, so we split up. we're still friends and talk all the time, she is still cool with us hanging out, her flying me around to see her and all that, but still... it gave me a bit of a glimpse of what I want, what I don't have. not money, but happiness. I was so happy when we were doing some of this stuff. I've seen the most beautiful sunsets anyone will ever see in their life. hard to go back to my cubicle after that.

    and again, I don't want this to turn into a "oh my life is so sad" because honestly my life is pretty good, my credit cards will be paid off by the end of the year next year, my truck is still running and I have the extra income where if I needed I could replace it, I have a house and it's right downtown, and I have a nice job I like enough to stay with. I do have a very good friend, and a girl who I'd never kiss so she's a decent friend too. it's just that I thought life was supposed to be more. I thought there was some sort of "beauty" after the storm, and not to get into childhood sob stories, but I thought the shit would pay off some day. it may still, but right now I'm really lacking faith in most everything.

    I'll try tonight. I'll put on some nice shoes, a nice outfit, and go out to a bar and try to meet people. or I'll go paint, try to grab onto the way I used to feel when I would sneak into an old warehouse off 75 and paint all night.. or maybe I'll just sneak through the streets with my ipod and some Sage Francis and wonder what I'm doing wrong.... I just know I don't want to keep going like this anymore.
  7. mr.yuck

    mr.yuck Veteran Member

    Joined: May 12, 2000 Messages: 6,952 Likes Received: 6
    What is it that you really want out of life? Money? Happiness? Money and happiness? Really, you have to sit down and answer this question first. You need to sit down and know what you want. Once you figure out what you really want then you have to answer questions like 'how do i go about making this happen?'

    Everything happens in small steps and not all at once. The one thing that i have learned is that you can learn something from almost anyone. Im sure you dont want to be doing the job you are doing now for the rest of your life but im sure there is someone there that will help you gain some insight on what you want to do and how to do it. Use the people put infront of you to your advantage.

    I just went through the exact same thing that you are going through and after some serious thinking I have a set path that i need to travel down. For better or worse my loyalties dont run 'FO LIFE' any more because i get what i need to out of a situation and then move on, depending on the situation.

    I hope that this helps you out a little.
  8. Hermdog

    Hermdog Elite Member

    Joined: Nov 6, 2003 Messages: 4,504 Likes Received: 9
    Everyone our age is faced with these issues of finding our path.

    I'm very similar to you...early 20's, got a job and a house. Our difference is that I'm married...and my wife is the best thing that happened to me.

    She hates graffiti, but accepts the fact that it's my life, and one of the only things that really makes me happy. So she accepts it by giving me time to go do what I do...hoping that I'll grow out of it.

    A woman can help you find clarity in life, by just providing you with that difference in point of view. They will always win in arguements and they will drive you insane. But without my wife I'd be insane. I would be in the train yards too much, I'd lose my job and house...and I would probably be bored.

    So to sum it up...I met my wife by accident. I hung out with a guy that really wasn't a great dude. Not in a sense that he would get me into trouble...it's more like he would always get into fights with other men all over women. For some reason this guy had a way of making friends with pretty girls. He played them, but he kept attracting them and I was always in the cut. We would fight over women for a couple of years...he would win every time because he had better looks, while I was the 'nice guy.' Until one day I went to a girl's house with him...we were attracted to the same woman..and I ended up winning the girl and eventually married her.

    In summary, you can't go looking for women...somehow they will find you when you least expect it. So go make mistakes and get rejected...consider it practice for the keeper. I'm sure plenty of people will disagree with me...but companionship with a woman gets me through my everyday life...
  9. xen

    xen Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Oct 4, 2004 Messages: 2,804 Likes Received: 304
    first of all, mmmmm.....sage francis. but really, we all are lost and have no real purpose. It is called growing up. People fall into 3 catagoryes, frends, aquaintences, and people you party with. They are easy to confuse so kinda deal with it, not to be a a dick. My birthday is coming up so i can rewlate to what you are dealing with. All I can offer is that it will get greater later. Don't give up. I fell out of the "art scene" for a while but if it is what you truley love, you'll be back. Fuck the "scene". Hey, Sage Francsis will never lead you wrong.Keep your chin up and it will be ok. :love2:
  10. test pattern

    test pattern Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 21, 2002 Messages: 3,975 Likes Received: 0
  11. T=E=A=S=E

    T=E=A=S=E Elite Member

    Joined: Mar 27, 2004 Messages: 3,271 Likes Received: 0
    wow giving tree, that's like exactly how i feel except you said it much better than i probally ever would.

    but ofcourse man, everyone feels like this. i know i do. i'm doing much better in life in a lot of areas such as paying more of my bills, saving up money, paying off my debt, and getting ready to move out.

    i got a really good job that pays well, but like you said, i work 10 hours a day, i get paid $12 plus bonuses and other spiffs, but still, all i do is work, come home, eat, get online or watch a little tv, and then its back off to work again. and i get two days off. which are normally spent just sleeping because im so tired. i have like absolutely no time to even think about what the fucks going on in my life anymore, its like a im a robot. i hate it. but thats life.

    the lifestyle i want to lead (not rich but well off and not struggling) requires that you put in a lot of work others arent willing to put in... and that's why their lives and their stuff is much better than others.

    but then there comes a fine life between working to much and not enjoying the benefits of your efforts.

    im realising now that you got to work no matter what, and you can either work a shitty job that doesnt pay well and that isnt stressful or you can work a balls busting good job that pays real good and damn near hate it.

    i think im going to work my ass off for like 5-10 years and build up a big ass nest egg, and just hoard my money, and then go for something thats more enjoyable or something to that extent. because i can't do what im doing or something like it in such a big corporate enviorment all my life, it's just not me.

    i relate to you so much though on the friends growing up and moving on etc, my best friends so in love it's sick with his girl, which i aint mad at him, i wish it was me, but it sucks cuz that was like my bestfriend and partner in crime, and its like now i dont got anyone to kick it with... ive meet a lot of cool buddies at work an shit, but ofcourse they're not the same as your boys an shit.

    but overall it sounds like your handling your shit, finish up school and get that degree, look for a better job in awhile when the job market gets better, and as for getting girls, you sound just like me man, youre never going to have one fall in your lap, well you might but the chances are slim to none. you got to force yourself to start talking to those hotties everyone always pusses out on and doesnt try to holler at. i'm working on that to myself and it's been pretty good lately, i got a lot of girls on the line right now, and im trying to learn to talk to them more without just trying to get at them for sex an shit, and eventually it will start coming together.

    hang in there...
  12. Mr. Chad

    Mr. Chad Member

    Joined: Dec 17, 2004 Messages: 480 Likes Received: 0
    its your job
    quite your job and get a new one thats more enjoyable.
  13. isor357

    isor357 Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 8, 2004 Messages: 2,491 Likes Received: 3
    I feel like that every day of my life- minus the gaultier, repressed denim and gym. I have only found disapointment and disgust in the females ive been with. You wouldnt believe the chickenheads i've been with. Check out Guinness from MM..Food. Look on the bright side........things can only get worse. I discovered xanex. About twice a month I get real down about things, I pop a couple bars and drink a 6 pack. When you black out everything bad disappears. Within 2 weeks i lost a decent relationship, had my car stolen downtown, my best friend/mechanic got deported, and lost my job. I moved back to my moms so i could take the bus to school and i couldnt make rent. All my music and my skateboard were in my ride. That MM.Food has a good track about friends too. Best wishes in the new year
  14. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2
    I think someone has caught the christmas bah-humbugs.
  15. fatbastard

    fatbastard Elite Member

    Joined: Jun 30, 2002 Messages: 2,880 Likes Received: 11
    Honestly once you travel and get that little taste of the globe trotting lifestyle, life will have new meaning and your motivations will change.

    What tease said about losing his friends to girls i can completely relate to, and im all fine with it, what i cant understand is the extremes of hanging out with one person 24/7 its like cant 3-4 hours a week be spent with your male friends? is the idea that absurd? I guess its because i have never been in love and dont understand it.
    (but that had nothing to do with anything)