Another Nutty 2 Days: Special Independence Edition

It seems like these posts happen usually when I don't sleep for a few days straight. Oh well here goes.

Saturday I go to work as usual, and knowing that it is a friends birthday that day and he will want to go out and get all kinds of krunk I take a nap after work. I wake up, take a shower and head out in a blazer, pink shirt, the very freshest of fresh. I stop by his house, pick him up, pick a couple other people up and we're off to the clubs. This guy we'll call Virgil, not due to his insight or leadership, but for other reasons I don't care to delve into here, just replace a letter. Okay, so we go out, its his happy 21st birthday. We get to the club around 11 and proceed to get a drink each. It soon becomes clear that Virgil's sole aim is to get as drunk as possible as fast as possible, and by the time we finish our first drinks he is on his fourth. The waitress keeps coming to our table to remind us to keep an eye on him so that he doesn't get too drunk. Soon friends begin to arrive and bring with them the manditory Jager Bomb or Flaming Flamingo. Soon the bartender is refusing to serve our group because she realizes that all of the drinks are going to the "big V." Thats all well and good, but if you were to meet Virgil you would realize very shortly that he is the most self-absorbed person in the entire world, or very close to it. Basically what Virgil wants to do Virgil does, which is fine, but at the same time he tries to save face by making it seem like you owe him the favor. Anyway, we are at the first club and a friend of ours goes to talk to a nice looking girl and her not so nice looking friend. I don't realize anything is the matter until the not so good looking friend is grabbing my hand and dragging me onto the dancefloor. He is dancing with good looking girl, I am dancing with not so and she is one of these people who will not let you leave, I try to be polite and say I need to check on Virgil, she says check on him later, and on and on. After about 3 songs I'm fed up and I just say fuck it and leave. Now the good looking girl is refusing to dance with homie the clown, ungoodlooking girl is pissed off and I am to blame for the entire situation. After a few minutes of mockery and fun had at the expense of how I "pussed out" we are back to our normal routine. It is about this time that I spot a cute blonde standing by the bar, and since I feel that it is necessary to practice what I preach I walk up to her and strike up a conversation with, we'll call her "Jenny or was it Jessica." I notice during our conversation that the bar is beginning to get crowded with a large number of women, it seems a great situation. I'm talking to a good looking girl, there are plenty more if this one doesn't go the way I want it to, and birthday boy is krunk beyond belief. Well not so fast, remember I told you that Virgil is self-absorbed, its his birthday and hes drunk and so these tendencies are amplified 1000 times. I am in the middle of my conversation with "Jenny or was it Jessica" and Virgil walks up, grabs my arm and says lets go. No I'm not a fan of this at all, so I say "hold on a minute, I'll be ready in a little." Virgil says "I want to go now, I'm tired of it here, lets go." Jenny's expression turns a bit sour, and I try to apologize for the interruption, but Virgil bursts in "It's my Birthday, we're leaving now, he'll talk to you later." I say "hold on a fucking minute, go have another drink or something leave me the fuck alone for 5 minutes, act like a grown up." And guess what my lovely assistant does, she says "okay, well it was nice talking to you, bye..." And disappears into the night...

More Later Be Affraid...

Come on, don't leave us hanging like that.

did you and your friends then say, "lets not hang out with that guy anymore" (refering to virgil)

??

It's what I do buddy, I can't type the entire thing out at once it would be too long. I'll throw another chapter out for you.

We get to second and final club on our lovely tour of debachery, and as we are about to enter a group of girls approach the line, my friend we'll call him Slick Rick the Ruler invites the girls to come in with us to avoid waiting in line. They are quite thankful and friendly, and offer to buy us a round of drinks, and by us I mean me and Slick Rick, since we are the only two who talked to them. It is at this point Virgil enters the conversation, he informs them that it's his birthday and they congratulate him and give him the obligatory happy birthday, and offer to include a shot for him in the round they're buying. I order a Jack and Coke, Slick orders a Vodka Tonic and Virgil plants himself squarely at the bar and proceeds to down a tequila shot followed by a Long Island and then insist that they told him it was okay since it was his birthday and that they would pay for it. So they are talking to me and say "I don't know why he thinks we offered to buy him all these drinks." I say "hes drunk, don't worry about it, I'll cover his part." This is when Virgil chimes in, "you said you'd buy us a round and then add a shot for my birthday." She says, "no actually I said I'd buy Milton and Slick Rick a round of drinks for helping us get in, and then I offered to buy you a birthday shot." Now I can sense the animosity growing between the two and so in order to not lose out on another chance I buy the round for all of us, I'm not going to say how much it was but it was my drink, slick ricks drink, a shot and a long island for virgil, and one drink each for 5 girls. This was on a Saturday Night in an upscale bar, it wasn't cheap I'll say that. So instead of getting mine and slick ricks drink paid for, virgil got me to pay for everyones drink. I was not happy with him at this point, at all. Anyway, the group of girls consists of 3 brunettes, an asian girl, which slick rick prefers, and a blonde which I guess has become my new facination. So the blonde is picking up what I'm putting down and the asian is feeling slick, things are going as they should be, and as we continue our conversation the blonde mentions that they're on the VIP list. Well the brunettes, who are from this point on inconsequential want to dance, so I send them with Virgil and the homies, and me and slick rick are off to the vip lounge with Becky the Blonde and Asian Amy...

Originally posted by Milton

...so I send them with Virgil and the homies, and me and slick rick are off to the vip lounge with Becky the Blonde and Asian Amy...

This is where you start to think things are picking up for the main character and then they cut to a commercial on you.

I'm gonna go make a TV dinner for breakfast.

MORE MORE MORE!!

Sounds like your friend Virgil has a drinking problem.

When I was little moms used to read books before I went to bed, and she'd stop right at exciting parts so I'd stay interested, I think thats where I got it...

So anyway, Slick Rick, Amy, Becky and I are in the VIP driking and talking, as it turns out they live about 5 minutes from a cousin of mine and they used to go to highschool with him. Small world I guess. Anyway Becky is completely into my shit, the whole thing is there, eye contact, (she had blue eyes like whoa) touching, everything. And then she says to me "Milton, you're cute." of course I tell her shes cute too, and then she says "Take my number and call me tomorrow." So I take her number and put it in my cellphone, she then takes my cellphone, and adds a reminder that says "Call Becky" for tomorrow. I think this is a little scary but whatever. Anyway, our conversation continues, but after about an hour one of the homies bursts in the VIP room shouting something about Vigil getting kicked out. We take our leave from the ladies and go see what's going on. Now from the bits and pieces I picked up, Virgil had a little too much to drink and was throwing up all over they mens room, so security made him leave. So what do we do being good friends, we call Virgil. He says "Got kicked out man, I'm outside." So we go outside, this bastard is nowhere to be found. We talk to security who says they have no idea where he went. At this point I'm basically fed up with Virgil, he isn't answering his phone, he got thrown out and interrupted out shit. All of the homies are worrying about him, I say to Slick Rick, fuck it I'm going back in the club, hes a grown up. So off we go, back in the club, but do we go back to VIP, of course not, what the fuck you think this is? We go to the bar for straight shots of tequila. We're getting our drink on, I have recovered well from my tequila phobia and can down shots of the rawest tequila in the universe, Monarch, so unsmooth. Anyway as we are standing there, the girl next to us leans over to me and says "I like your outfit." I see her man out of the corner of my eye with his hand on her hip like as if subconciously he was trying to pull her away and he is smirking at the fact that she "liked my outfit." So I put my hand around her shoulder and thank her, at which point he stops giggling. They couple leaves and Slick and I continue our binge drinking. Not more than 5 minutes later the girl comes back, sans boyfriend and says "I'm Suzie, call me," slips her phone number on a cocktail napkin in my coat pocket, and disappears...

damn Milton has more game then Shoots and Ladders...we need more info and follow up info on the girls...

Is that it? You fucker there has to be more........

seek help fast for vigil

As we leave the club at 2 I realize that I have to be at work at 6 and should probably go home. But is that what I do? Of course not. At this point we run into a bachelorette party who got kicked out of another club. Let me tell you right now, this was the most mixed up group of women I've seen in a long while. Usually when they go out as a group, they will be within a range lookswise. Not this group, the bride to be was beautiful, even if she was made up like a hooker and wearing a veil. Her friend, who turned out to be the maid of honor, was gorgeous as well and a blonde (my new fascination, but also engaged) from there there were 2 average looking girls and then 2 busted broke down ass girls tagging along. While we were talking the group had said they wanted to go to somewhere "naughty" while they still had a few hours left before going home. My mind went into overdrive and we ended up at the sleaziest, backdoor adult "theater and gift shop" in town. This is the type of place that has gloryholes in the bathrooms, semen is all over the walls etc. Anyway wedding party had a good 2 hours of fun here giggling over and purchasing movies, toys, etc. Watching in the booths for quarters. They bought 3 ten dollar rolls and used them up. But at about 3:45 we bid them fairwell and started home.

From there we went to Denny's until about 5:15 and then I drove to work and got there with 5 mintues to spare cause I'm awesome. As I started my shift one of our secuirty guards came up to me and said "you look like you're going to a party." I said I'm coming from a party, I haven't slept yet. He's like "just sleep in the office, and if anybody needs anything I'll call you on the radio 'till you pick up" Well you probably guessed by now, somebody needed something every 5 minutes all day. First there was a fire in the kitchen, then there was an argument over who won a hand, then there was a person panhandling by the blackjack tables. Finally I told him he didn't even need to radio, I was just going to stay awake. I pounded more than my share of energy drinks and stayed up. I work from 6am- 2pm so when 1 o clock rolls around I'm usually excited to leave. Well this day, being that its 4th of July, I know it can't work out well. At 1:15 the guy that is supposed to come in to relieve me at 2 calls and says "Sick, can't come in today" and hangs up. So I say a few curse words and then call the boss to ask what I should do. Now if you haven't heard before, my boss is a combination of Jules from Pulp Fiction and the Drill Seargant from Full Metal Jacket. I call and when he gets to the phone he sounds pissed already. "What do you need." "Well, Joe just called in and said he's sick and can't come in at 2." "What? That shit is not going to fly, you call that motherfucker back and tell him to get his ass in to work in 45 minutes sick or not. Fucking bullshit is what it is." So I call dude back to get him to come in and do you know what the girl that answers tells me "Ohhh, he's not here, he just went out." So of course I call the boss back (I'm not gonna work a 16 hour shift on 4th of july, fuck that) I tell him what the girl said and he says "Oh hell no..." There is a pause for about 30 seconds and then he says "this little motherfucker, I'll be there as soon as I can" and hangs up. Now realize, the boss is coming in, on his day off, on 4th of july, this can't be good. He gets there at 2:15 picks up this binder from off of a shelf turns to a random page and starts calling the names in the book. When he gets to one of them he says "Hi this is Mike at **** Casino, are you still interested in that job opening?" He hires this guy on the spot. Then he turns to me and says "that is the kind of little slimy motherfucker I don't need working for me, write a report to give to the boss about what time he called and what he said and that you called back and he wasn't home." So I guess dude is getting fired, but the boss gave me 2 hours of overtime for taking care of the whole thing and let me leave...

Okay, one more chapter and then I'm out for the day...

I forgot to mention earlier that Virgil called me at about noon to tell me that he was going to a party that night and that I should come. I kind of blew him off and made plans with slick rick the ruler to get drunk and watch the fireworks downtown. The fireworks downtown is the kind of place where no matter what you'll meet random people you know. And thats exactly what happened. As we were driving there we stopped at a burger spot and as we pull into a parking spot in the back we notice our friend Ivan's car. We pull up and park next to him, but we don't see him sitting in the front seat and his back windows are tinted. So we walk around the car and look through the front window and there he is with his girlfriend in the middle of tearing it up, her pants are like draped over the passanger seat. Shit was hillarious and being the good guys we are we knocked on his windows until he got out. The 4 of us go down to the fireworks and watch them. It was cool, there were potheads and a weird lady selling extacy. (Sorry Admins) Anyway as we are walking out this guy like pushes Ivans girlfriend out of his way and Ivan just hits him in the back of the head (not punched him but like shoved his head really hard). The guy turns around takes one look at Ivan who is 6'6 and about 325 and apologizes for bumping him and leaves. This is probably the moment when the night went from bad to worse, we are stuck in traffic for 2 hours trying to get to the freeway. We finally get to the burger spot where Ivan's car is parked. When we get there, we are chilling in the car and I see this girl I used to want to get with in highschool. We used to hang out once in a while and shit, but her brother was a big gangster and she was 2 years younger than me so I never hit. Anyway, it turns out like 6 people we went to highschool with are there, and they all walk up to the car. We all say whats up to eachother and then said chickadee walks up to the window. She like gives me a high five like girls do, but she grabs my hand and shes like "Hey Milton, you look different. Do you remember me?" I couldn't remember her name, but thats not important. Whats important is that she said you look different, just different. It was weird, and I don't know what to make of it. Anyway, we got our burgers and shit, I went to the store to get a 40 oz and they had none so I got a bottle of champagne and when I was walking back to the car a cop walks up to me and says give me the bottle. At first I thought he was gonna give me a hard time and take the alcohol, so I was pissed. But then he's like "come on man I've been out here all night, I could use a drink." I laughed it off and we were off with Ivan, the highschool kids and some random people to a party...

Milton's days of his life..finish i can't handle the wait..

Originally posted by Milton

a cop walks up to me and says give me the bottle. At first I thought he was gonna give me a hard time and take the alcohol, so I was pissed. But then he's like "come on man I've been out here all night, I could use a drink."

nice

more! more! more!

So we get to the party on frat row amid showers of bottle rockets and drunk people throwing mortar shells. We all get out go to the party, walk in and there are a grand total of 12 people there drunk as shit, 3 people are making out on a couch and the host is nowhere to be found. The highschool kids stayed, me, rick, ivan and his bird left after about 5 minutes bottle of champagne was still corked, but i had taken the wrapper and the little cap off. (You can probably guess what's gonna happen.) So as a last resort, because I wanted to get smashed and get some hot action we call Virgil. Lo and behold a girl answers, (this is the same girl that iquit aksed me about that made out with guys at that party,) I say hello who is this, she says "This is Amanda, who's this." I say "this is Milton" "Milton with the BMW?" "Ya thats me." She gives us directions and we hang up. So she was drunk and gave us some damn shitty directions, so we get to the general area and call Virgil. He answers this time and sounds upset. "So you talked to Amanda huh?" "Ya, tell us how to get there" "Well uhhh, everybody left, I'm about to leave too." Yet I still here music in the background and a crowd of people talking, and a girl asking to talk to us. So I say "why are you lying, I can here people, if you don't want us to come say so." To which he replies "no seriously we're leaving." I say "Look man, I realize that you want the girl for yourself and thats fine, as a matter of fact you're probably right, you won't get some if I'm there, but guess what, you're probably not going to get some anyway. If you were man enough to say that in the first place than a you wouldn't have to hide the party from us and B) I would back off. But now, now that you want to fuck around and play games like a 12 year old girl, I'm probably gonna try to smash. Sorry dude, have fun, whatever. Tell her I said hi." Literally 2 seconds after I finish, before I even put my phone down the champagne cork pops all over slick rick's parents navigator...

Bump for the Unruley Adventures of Milton

... finish your dam story man .. we're all in suspense...

This is the very last of my adventures.

It's about 145 by that point and there is champagne all over the car, but we're still in the mood for drinking so slick rick calls up asian amy who insisted that he call tomorrow. He calls up, she says "I'm at a party, I'll call you back in two minutes." So we park the car in a 7-11 parking lot and start trying to clean the floor. If you've ever tried to get champagne out of light brown carpet, you know its a bitch. Anyway, we're standing there cleaning and the bird doesn't call. About 30 minutes of cleaning later we see a car roll up with 2 girls and one guy. And wouldn't you know it, its Asian Amy and her boyfriend. Out of all the damn 7-11's in the world. So rick and I go into the 7-11 to "buy something" and right as we walk by the car, Amy notices him, he winks and she looks straight ahead. It was the funniest most uncomfortable shit ever. The second we get passed the car she puts it in reverse and peels out of the parking lot. So being the honest upstanding citizens we are we clean the ride up, which at this point had minor damage to the carpet, finish up the bottle of champagne and decide to call Asian Amy back to see "Why she didn't call." So he calls up and pretends to not know that he saw her. He's like "ya so uhhh, you didn't call back about that party." Her response is "uhhh sorry, we just left." He says "oh thats cool so uhhh you know what I'm in the mood for? A slurpee, and maybe a hot dog." She says "Uhhh okay?" He says "Ya I think I'm gonna run to 7-11" she says "Hah Hah" and hangs up... And thats all she wrote...

make some stuff up if you have to, this is entertaining.

this was hilarious...at first i thought virgil was a pimp for getting drunk as fuck, not giving two shits about anything, getting tossed out of clubs, etc., but then milton pulls through. pure hotness.

what about the birad at the beginning of the story who gave you there numbers and said to call tomorrow...Damn i need details..Oh and any news on the cat that got fired..