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A funny story about nerds

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by <KEY3>, May 10, 2005.

  1. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2
    Here's a funny story I saw some somethingawful.com

    A girl in a gaming shop

    "Can I get three Mage Knight boosters, please?"

    It was a bright, sunny and unbearably hot Saturday in mid-June and, as usual, I was trapped behind the counter in the gaming store I worked at part-time. The skinny nerd in front of me requesting Mage Knight boosters was covered in acne and wore a stained Punisher tee-shirt, his sweaty, eager palm clutching a slightly damp 20 dollar bill. His name was Billy and he was in here all the damn time. Half-lidded, I grabbed three boxes of that accursed clicking-figures game and tossed them on the counter. He picked one of them up.

    "No, dude, hand me the box of them. I need to test the weight, I'm looking for a rare." said Billy.

    Somebody fucking shoot me. It's not that I hated gaming nerds; hell, a sizable percentage of them were surprisingly friendly and decent people who had an incurable obsession, like lovable alcoholics. Unfortunately the latest craze was a game called Mage Knight, which is a game where Wizards of the Coast takes money from teenagers in exchange for a box of poorly painted little action figures where you incessantly click the numbers around on the base and pretend the toys are killing eachother. I thought it was retarded, mostly because it attracted the worst kind of gamer: the obsessive collector. The kid in front of me was clearly one of these.

    The bells we'd attached to the door rang and in stepped a slender redhead wearing nude lipstick and a babydoll tee-shirt with Edward Scissorhands on it. Her name was Nicole, and she was surprisingly attractive, which meant she probably wasn't here to pretend she was a dwarf or click little figures and shout obscure rules at a fat bearded guy in suspenders.

    "Someone's girlfriend is here to pick them up," I thought to myself. We had girls come in to the store but nine times out of ten they were someone's mother or fiancee or wife, an enabler that couldn't break their beloved's crippling nerd habit. If they were there to game then they either already had a boyfriend or were 500 pounds and balding.

    So when this girl came up to the counter and asked if we had the latest Magic: The Gathering booster set, you can imagine my confusion. If it were in my power to have summoned a question mark to stand boldly over my head, I surely would have.

    "Sure, we've got it." I took the box down from the shelf and set it in front of her, finishing up the other nerd's transaction.

    "Whoa, a girl who plays magic!" said Billy, a sort of derisive sneer crossing his scarred-up adolescent face.

    Nicole rolled her eyes and rooted through the booster box. Billy stood there staring at her a while.

    "Did you need something else, man?" I said, sitting back on my stool and picking up my newspaper.

    "Oh.. uh, no.." he stammered, still staring at Nicole, who was rifling through the box like a coke addict scrounging in his couch cushions for change. Billy scuttled off back to the Gulag, which was the big free-gaming area we had in the rear of the store.

    Nicole selectred three packs of cards and pulled out her wallet just as Tom came swaggering from out of the Gulag.

    Tom was a regular, but he was the kind of regular nobody really wanted around. He was short, around 5 foot 6 or so, with a skinny build and an absolutely tragic haircut, parted at the side and neatly combed over the dome of his skull, with occasional stray hairs sticking out. He had beady little eyes and a moustache we all referred to as "chomo", which is short for something very unpleasant. Tom worked as a tech support guy at America Online, which had a big plant just east of where we were at. Routinely he'd come in to the store dressed in his work clothes, which was an ugly white polo shirt, khaki slacks and his dorky little employee badge hanging from his belt. This was the kind of guy who actually wore his celphone in a stupid little belt clip, like some kind of techie wannabe cowboy, fastest nerd in the west. He liked Warhammer and Battletech and every time a girl came into the store his "creepy scuzzbag" alarm went off and he arrived on the scene, ready to flirt. Frequently he's chased female customers off, to the point where we weren't sure if we should even allow him to come into the store anymore; unfortunately, Tom spent so much on games that if we kicked him out, the slow trickle of returning females wouldn't spend enough to make up what we'd lose by giving Tom the boot.

    It was no surprise to me that Billy must have reported to him that there was a cute girl in the store. As he came strutting up to the counter, I was just finishing up Nicole's transaction, and I rolled my eyes.

    "Hey Swami, can I get some Magic cards, man?"

    "Tom, you don't play Magic." Oh christ. He's trying to pick up on this girl by buying Magic cards? Time to throw up the cockblock shield.

    "I want to learn man! Are you denying me a sale?" I rolled my eyes again and pushed the booster box over near Tom. Nicole lit up a little and smiled at him.

    "Oh, you wanna learn how to play?" she said.

    If you've ever seen the Chuck Jones version of How The Grinch Stole Christmas, then you can envision the disgusting, villainous smile that creeped its way across Tom's wormy little mouth.

    "Yeah! Hey, I've never seen you in here before." Tom said, turning to rest his elbow against the counter.

    "Oh, the one store near my house closed so now I have to drive over here to get cards." Nicole said.

    "Thank god for that. No competition is good competition." I said. Nicole laughed.

    Tom faked a laugh. "So, do you wanna teach me how to play?"

    "Sure! I hardly know anyone around here, I need someone to play with!" Nicole said. No, Tom, don't. Don't, please. Nicole, you know not of what you speak.

    "Oh yeah, me too." He said, his voice clearly hinting at a stomach-turning innuendo. What a shitheel.

    The two tottered off back to the Gulag and I sighed heavily. I expected her come running out screaming within an hour. A few hours later they walked back through the front of the store and stood near the entrance. Tom touched Nicole on the shoulder and smiled.

    "Thanks for the lesson! Hey, what are you doing tonight?" he said. He moves quick.

    "Uh, I think my mom wants me to be home for dinner." she said, moving for the door. Oh good, she's caught the foul stench of Tom's true intentions.

    "Oh, okay. I'm having a party, is all. Hey so, are you gonna come back and teach me some more?"

    "Sure!" Nicole smiled. "See you around!"

    Nicole left and Tom swaggered on up to the counter.

    "And THAT" he said, pointing at me, "Is how you pick up a hot chick! Learn from the MASTER, son!"

    "Hey Tom, how old is she?" Tom shrugged.


    "And you're how old?"

    "Twenty three."

    "You realize that makes you a creepy fuck, right?" I said, turning down my newspaper. "Pft, you're just jealous because you have no skills with the ladies."

    "I have a girlfriend, Tom, and she's my age and I didn't have to buy fucking Magic cards to flirt with her."

    "Whatever man." Tom scuttled back to the Gulag to return to his Warhammer match.

    The next weekend Nicole came back, and I was happy to see her, because Justin was in the store. Justin was a really nice little somewhat-emo kid who was 16, played Magic and had a good head on his shoulders. I'd hoped Nicole would take a liking to him and put a stop to Tom's ridiculous cradle-robbing antics. Lucky for me, Justin was sitting at the demo table we kept in the front of the store, sorting his cards, when Nicole stepped in.

    "Hey Swami!" Nicole said, cheerfully.

    "Sup." I said. "Hey, Justin, this is Nicole, she's looking for someone to play Magic with." Justin lifted his head and smiled a little.

    "Oh yeah? Cool." Ah, the wheels were turning. Nicole went over to the demo table and started commenting on Justin's cards.

    My work here was done. Or so I thought.

    The bells on the front door rang and in came Tom, holding a big card box, wearing his terminally dorky work clothes.

    "Hey Nicole!" he practically shouted. "I brought some cards, are you ready to play?" Nicole lifted her head.

    "Oh, yeah, maybe a little later, this guy here has some amazing decks." Nicole said, sitting down next to Justin. Atta girl.

    "Well hey, maybe we can have a three-way! A little, you know, meh-nayge-ah-troys!" Tom said. It was all I could do to not leap over the counter and strangle him until his eyes popped out of his worthless little skull. I wasn't sure what offended me more; his slaughtering of the french language or the fact that he was so aggressively pursuing a sixteen year old. Justin fortunately had more sense than I'd thought.

    "Dude, there's like, a Battletech tournament in the back. You're like, third on the list." Justin said.

    "Oh, you're right. Shit, I forgot. Hey, I'll come out after I'm done and we'll all play together, okay?" Tom said, moving back towards the Gulag.

    "Sure!" Nicole said, and gave him a little wave. Tom gave her a thumbs-up. Christ, what a faggot.

    "That guy's kind of a creep." Justin said.

    "Yeah, but he's nice anyway and I need people to play Magic with." Nicole pursed her lips.

    "He's probably just like... trying to hit on you. Anyway did you want to play?" and the two kids started sorting out their cards.

    About an hour later Nicole got up and went to the bathroom, so Justin sat back and put his feet on the chair in front of him. Tom came out, sweating like a pig.

    "Hey, where's Nicole?" he asked.

    "She's off reporting you to the police for being a pederast." I said. Justin laughed.

    "Eight-year-olds, dude!" Justin snapped. This kid was alright.

    "Very funny, you little fucker." Tom barked to Justin. "I saw her first." he sneered.

    "Go fuck yourself, Tom. She isn't interested in you." Justin just sat back, shuffling his cards.

    "Tom, she's way too young for you and if you scare off another female customer I'm going to ban you from the store." I said, crossing my arms. It was an empty threat, because the five to six hundred bucks Tom spent in the store every month was worth far more to me than Nicole's business, but I wanted to scare him. Just then Nicole came out. Tom turned to regard her.

    "Hey Nicole, ready to play?"

    "Actually Justin and I were going to get some lunch." she said, avoiding eye contact with him.

    "Oh! Well hey, I'm starving, can I come along?" Tom begged.

    "No." Justin said. I laughed. So did Nicole. Tom got all huffy and turned, stomping back to the Gulag. Nicole and Justin sauntered out of the store. I liked where this was going.

    20 minutes later Tom comes walking out of the Gulag, clearly pissed off, his beady little eyes straining to express anger.

    "Swami, that was FUCKED UP dude." He said, slamming is hand on the counter.

    "What? Tom, get a fucking grip. She's not interested in you and you are WAY TOO FUCKING OLD FOR HER."

    "Oh yeah? Well there's a spark there. She likes me. You can't deny that she has a thing for me!

    Did you see the way she waved at me?"

    "Did you hear the way she laughed when Justin completely shut your ass down? Stop being such a shithead, Tom, and give it up. Enough, this is over."

    "It's not up to you!"

    "You're right, but I can still do something about it. Leave her alone, man. She's a customer and you're harassing her."

    "It's not harassment!" Just as Tom said this, Justin and Nicole came in. They were holding hands. Justin works fast, I'll give him that.

    "Hey kids." I said, standing up from my stool. Tom stomped up to Justin.

    "This isn't over!" he said, fuming mad and storming out the door. Justin and Nicole rolled their eyes and went over to the table to start up another game.

    The next day was a Sunday and the store was especially busy. Justin came in a little early, holding a stack of papers.

    "Hey Justin, what's up?" I asked, surprised to see him in so early.

    "Dude, you have to see what I found on the internet." He turned his stack of papers around.

    What greeted me was a black and white photocopied image of Tom, completely nude, standing in front of his bed, his meaty little hand gripping a tiny appendage I could only assume was supposed to be his penis. His hair was sticking up all over and he had a big shit-eating grin on his face. I burst into an epic laugh that must have lasted 10 minutes long. I actually fell off my stool.

    "Dude, that is fucking SICK! Oh my GOD!" I said. "Put that shit away!"

    "Hell no man! Is Tom here?"

    "Yeah, he's in the back, but..."

    Nicole walked in and smiled upon seeing Justin.

    "Hey!" she said, walking up to him and giving him a hug from behind.

    "Hey Nicole, check this..." He didn't even finish his sentence before Nicole saw the photo and burst into laughter, covering her mouth with her hand. Justin grinned and sauntered on back to the Gulag. I didn't follow, and neither did Nicole. We sat and waited.

    All I heard was "HEY GUYS, CHECK IT OUT!" followed by what appeared to be stunned silence, which was followed by the loudest laughter I've ever heard in my life. 30 nerds laughing at the top of their lungs, and then one anguished scream. Justin came bolting out of the Gulag.

    "I better get the fuck out of here!" he said, grabbing Nicole's arm. Tom shot out from the back room and grabbed Justin by the back of the shirt, pushing Nicole to the floor.

    "HEY! KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!" I yelled, standing up and moving to walk around the counter and stop Tom from wailing on Justin. It was too late; Tom's fist came down on Justin's face and he cracked him in the jaw. Justin had apparently made big plans for that photo, because the big stack of copies he'd made went flying everywhere, Tom's grinning, naked mug covering the floor. I moved to grab Tom's shoulders, but Justin wasn't having any of it. He kicked up and nailed Tom right in his tiny little testicles, which sent Tom to the floor in agony. Justin dropped to his knees and started wailing on Tom's face, battering his nose up and breaking out one of his teeth, surrounded by the photo.

    "Wait, stop, dude, no." I said plainly, crossing my arms and standing there. By now a huge crowd had gathered and someone was frantically calling the police on his celphone, but nobody was moving to pull Justin off of Tom, who at this point had become a crumpled little bloody ball on the floor. Justin stood up and spat on him, turning back to help Nicole up off the floor. Tom started crying, curling into a fetal position. Everyone just stood there, watching him bleed all over the tile.

    He deserved every blow. What an asshole.

  2. destroya

    destroya Senior Member

    Joined: Sep 30, 2002 Messages: 1,714 Likes Received: 2
    that was the most hysterical shit i've ever read in a very long time.
  3. shaolinmasta

    shaolinmasta Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 26, 2003 Messages: 7,884 Likes Received: 157

    Fuck that was well written, and funny as hell.

    MEROJUANA Senior Member

    Joined: May 23, 2002 Messages: 2,452 Likes Received: 2

  5. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Sep 6, 2002 Messages: 14,905 Likes Received: 202
    HAHAHAA!!! I love the part where Swami describes the cellphone in the clip on Tom's waist. i know a nerd who does that, as well.
  6. sneak

    sneak Guest

    justin sounds like a dude.
    gets the girl and beats up the paedo!
  7. Weapon X

    Weapon X 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Sep 6, 2002 Messages: 14,905 Likes Received: 202
    Nooo, they don't deserve a beatdown. See, I used to rob kids for Magic cards, then sell them to other kids. So it's actually pretty wise to be friends with these guys, if they have money. That is, if you're in junior high.
  8. <KEY3>

    <KEY3> Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 24, 2004 Messages: 6,878 Likes Received: 2
    I wonder if mero ever saw junior high?

    hahaha... just playing
  9. isor357

    isor357 Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 8, 2004 Messages: 2,491 Likes Received: 3
    thats so random.....When i read the title of the thread i thought about Magic players. I clicked it and its about magic players. Magic players are some of the nerdiest nerds out there. Sometimes they play by my school computers and ive listened to some of their conversations.
  10. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Nov 16, 2000 Messages: 10,259 Likes Received: 18
  11. sarcasm

    sarcasm Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 30, 2003 Messages: 3,352 Likes Received: 35
    hahah great story, well worth the read
  12. El Producto

    El Producto Senior Member

    Joined: May 6, 2004 Messages: 1,682 Likes Received: 0
  13. dumy

    dumy Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 8, 2004 Messages: 5,056 Likes Received: 0
    propers due Key, consistently good threads!..this was no exception
  14. votone

    votone New Jack

    Joined: Apr 8, 2005 Messages: 39 Likes Received: 0
    hah, that was great. thank u key3 for inriching my life, is there more stories like this somewere?
  15. useurname

    useurname Member

    Joined: Jul 29, 2004 Messages: 962 Likes Received: 0
    Wait..........this emo kid beat someone down?