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101 Rules of Black Metal

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by seven.13, Oct 23, 2001.

  1. seven.13

    seven.13 Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Oct 5, 2000 Messages: 3,572 Likes Received: 19
    101 Rules of Black Metal

    1. Don't be gay.

    2. Be "true".

    3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.

    4. Be grim.

    5. Be necro.

    6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.

    7. Break things while being grim and necro.

    8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.

    9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.

    10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...

    11. ...Listen to Peccatum.

    12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem,point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.

    13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play"you mean "burn".

    14. Don't be Dani Filth.

    15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase
    "Kenny G slams,man."

    16. Don't be Dani Filth.

    17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.

    18. Don´t pronounce words that silly as Attila did on Mayhem´s "De
    Mysterriis..." (Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrraaaaal

    19. Sodomize a virgin whore.

    20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)

    21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its
    release... so it becomes 'cult'.

    22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"

    23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.

    24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.

    25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..

    26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.

    27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.

    28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.

    29. a) paint face. B) go in woods. c) act like troll.

    30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

    31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.

    32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.

    33. Don't make jokes.

    34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.

    35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.

    36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it
    doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".

    37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.

    38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are
    imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult"
    LP won't get it.

    39. Never play live.

    40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other
    people there are not going to the show to look at you.

    41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in
    being both "necro" and "grim".)

    42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something
    like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case,
    make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.

    43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he
    died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".

    44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to
    produce commercial success.

    45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
    wouldn't be "true".

    46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band
    also have side projects.

    47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as
    session" musicians.

    48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.

    49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than
    three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).

    50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then
    use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute

    51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and
    avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in

    52. Insist that music should never progress and that it
    should still sound
    the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.

    53. Never say "friggin".

    54. Never finish anything you start.

    55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting
    someone "true".

    56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try
    "Infernal Hails".

    57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
    inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.

    58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology
    "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".

    59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in
    the middle of math class.

    60. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend
    that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.

    61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.

    62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)

    63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the
    Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be
    ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.

    64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$"
    whenever possible.

    65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate
    Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of
    yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of
    being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of
    looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)

    666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to
    approximately 8 of them regularly.

    67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's
    house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her
    face like a shotgun when she turns around).

    68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating
    via the Internet. Single acceptable smiley: -(

    69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it!

    70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.

    71. Norsk Arisk Svart Metall! Rahhh!!

    72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway
    and therefore 'true'.

    73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)

    74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as
    "Crucifier". Any pets
    you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".

    75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are
    influenced by the mighty
    Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd.
    Wait a minute...
    It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"

    76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.

    77. Norsk Arisk Svartmetall! Rahhh!!

    78. That's better, on with the interview!

    80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances.
    Suggested tools: Drum
    sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded
    frost spire")

    81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you
    are in touch
    with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those
    two facts make
    sense in conjunction.

    82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.

    83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.

    84. Don't make references.

    85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.

    86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

    87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it
    consists of three
    completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e.
    Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical
    Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may
    also want to refer
    to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".

    88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic
    world of black
    metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you
    about wanting to
    be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or

    89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or
    girlfriend, and some
    gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)

    90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.

    91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.

    92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.

    93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?

    94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.

    95. Own cult-as-fuck shirts of bands you not only own no
    releases of, but also haven't even heard.

    96. Use the phrase "cult-as-fuck" whenever possible.

    97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "fuck" during random
    segments of your
    songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)

    98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and
    therefore more
    "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a
    tenuous grasp on
    the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian,
    Latin, Orcish.)

    99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.

    100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a
    troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!

    101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you
    could've have
    been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For

    Sorry..i had to...
    No offence to anyone...
    Some fool emailed it to me ;) ;)
  2. CATS

    CATS Senior Member

    Joined: May 30, 2001 Messages: 1,600 Likes Received: 0
    Right, and you ....:dazed:
  3. pacman

    pacman Member

    Joined: May 29, 2001 Messages: 479 Likes Received: 1
    splatter drum narthern necro satansatansatan fucker
    fuck yeah for black metal
  4. Frida Kaloe

    Frida Kaloe Junior Member

    Joined: Mar 14, 2001 Messages: 144 Likes Received: 0
    i prefer european black metal myself
    such as...
    year of our lord

    now that shit is satanic
    (i had a nudie model a couples times that is wicked metal, bump into him at shows, damn weird)
  5. boogie hands

    boogie hands 12oz Legend

    Joined: Feb 15, 2001 Messages: 16,059 Likes Received: 13
    that was fucking funny...good post
  6. MOOGLE?

    MOOGLE? 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: May 23, 2000 Messages: 11,493 Likes Received: 501
  7. R@ndomH3ro

    [email protected] Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Dec 18, 2007 Messages: 8,301 Likes Received: 459
  8. MOOGLE?

    MOOGLE? 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: May 23, 2000 Messages: 11,493 Likes Received: 501
    figure if i'm on a steady incline of fail..might as well be consistent
  9. watson

    watson 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Mar 2, 2006 Messages: 10,393 Likes Received: 1,024
  10. makeithappennn

    makeithappennn Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 7, 2006 Messages: 3,439 Likes Received: 37
    This is the first thing that showed up on google for black metal.

    1987 likes this.
  11. boxcarrapist

    boxcarrapist Elite Member

    Joined: Apr 8, 2006 Messages: 4,037 Likes Received: 196
    Meh,there was a few chuckles in there.
  12. Ignition

    Ignition Senior Member

    Joined: Jul 27, 2007 Messages: 1,024 Likes Received: 60
  13. john_gacy

    john_gacy Banned

    Joined: Apr 7, 2006 Messages: 8,726 Likes Received: 417
  14. TheoHuxtable..

    TheoHuxtable.. 12oz Legend

    Joined: Nov 17, 2008 Messages: 17,651 Likes Received: 1,426


    Joined: Jan 25, 2007 Messages: 23,219 Likes Received: 662