haven't posted in a while.
its funny how seriously giving up on something like alcohol results in giving up on so much more.
I suppose its like quitting any other addiction.
id be lying if I said I felt anything less than alone at the present moment.
and that's with a loving, supportive, sober girlfriend, and a family who has stood by me through thick and thin,
and some goodass friends. I use the term some loosely.
I guess that's what 10+ years of alcohol dependency does for you.
you cant see the forest for the trees, until everything is cut down.
lost a lot of "friends" getting sober.
just becoming apparent to me.
its been the better part of a year and im kinda at a paradox.
the sad thing is, living this way for so long, you develop a lifestyle.
that lifestyle becomes comfortable.
then that lifestyle becomes unappealing.
and then youre faced with the terrible realization that you've wasted so much time.
on people. on things, on a life you cant quite understand when youre not fucked up.
I cant smoke weed anymore. for some reason the paranoia is too much these days.
maybe its my anxiety issues kicking in. I really don't know.
im almost 30 and I feel like im having an early midlife crisis.
only because im finally me again but I don't quite know how to be me anymore.
I really feel like theres nothing left for me here, where im at right now, this city, this job, this everything.
I feel like I woulda never been here had it not been for me making detrimental decisions in my past.
yet here I am.
I need a fresh start.
clean slate typa steeze.
just signing in to say that the struggle doesn't just quit when you've said fuck it to the addiction.
but I do feel better on the daily, for what its worth.
feel like maybe im doin something wrong.
I dunno.
stay up.